The storm is not over yet

sky

I feel the storm is not over yet. I think something might happen. Like something, as in an upcoming death. I don’t know exactly how or why or when, but I think my grandma is dying. Well, of course we’re all dying in the end, but maybe this will come like in soon.

She has been sick of a while (cancer in the throat) and she always talks about death (for over years), but somehow things seem to change.  I can’t exactly say how, but it’s different. She is maybe preparing to die, I don’t know. Sometimes people they know they are going to die somehow. I do not know, its just what I heard.

She asked about her insurance (which is way too low, a bit late to ask about but she never cared before) and about stuff (who wants to have this and that) and came this afternoon walking by (while my parents visited this morning). I don’t know. There’s something.

Maybe I am completely wrong, and maybe it’s weird and not nice to write about, but I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t talk about it to anyone, and it is bothering me. Because I have no idea how to deal with it, how to feel or what to do.

Because the worst thing is that I do not know if I really care. This sounds hard and rude, but the situation is really complicated. She wasn’t so nice to my parents. She made their life a bit like hell sometimes. It doesn’t seem that she ever accepted my dad , her son, or my mom. My dad was hit and told he couldn’t do anything right. My grandparents (grandfather is dead for some time) forbid him a lot. He didn’t want to see them again after he married my mom, but in my mom’s culture it’s not possible to ‘abandon your family’.Anyway, my moms from abroad and they dont seem to like abroad people. You know I could write about it for ages, of everything that happened but I don’t want to. Please just believe me that its complicated.

Now my parents will go to the family abroad soon. There’s not much people left here. Just me. Just one of my sisters. I have an aunt, her daughter, but complicated too: she never asks them, they don’t ask anything back. They just live beside and distant. Thats how it always went.

And I can’t help myself the questions:
WHat if something happens now?
What if she dies when my parents just left or want to leave?
She will stirr all the plans again.
She feels sorry about the things in the past I think, because of certain things she says sometimes. But she never said sorry, or admitted. She will talk like “look how nice and good I am”, but in the meantime, truth is different.And now she’s old and no one’s there.
And now she feels sorry. And is afraid to die. Her own relatives, a few alive, they are not in touch, because they dislike each other (well actually, it’s more like hate).

Anyway, I just keep wondering what is the truth.

And I know I will never really know.

And I know I will never know how to deal with this.

I feel her fear. I feel pain. I feel so much things, but they are not mine. And still they are strong. I feel anger. I feel the things that went wrong. I feel the things that happened and were not nice. I feel that she always wanted to hide them. I feel the past.

And I will never know.

I will always wonder how

And always wonder how to deal with this.

 

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Goodbye mrs Cat

For a while I knew this moment would come. One of the two cats who live here, was sick. Something with the liver. Under treatment for a while. But things got worse, and worse. Last fridaynight I searched for the emergency vet, because cat was not well.

Today, when I drove home from work, I knew that this would be the last hour cat would be alive. Just an hour ago, she stopped breathing. The vet gave her an injection. Poor little cat.

She was fifteen. She was sick. She was in pain. Didn’t eat, didn’t drink. Poor little cat.
She is buried now, under the soil, with her blanket, and her toy. I can’t help it, but I cry.
I cry for the cat.

 

Under my feet

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Somewhere underground,

a cold and dark place, that’s where you are.

Or what is left of you I should say, I suppose.

Sometimes I still can’t grasp it,

but I guess its true.

When I go to your house,

You’re not there anymore.

When I walk in your street,

You’re not there anymore.

When I ring your number

You don’t pick up anymore.

Everything changed. It’s sad how difficult it ended. It’s sad to think about the pain you had, about the pain the people who love you have. I would change it if I could, but I can’t.

All I can do, is hope that wherever you are, where ever you could be, is that you still know.

You’re place changed.

You’re there, under the ground.

It’s still so weird to think of that.

All I can do – is nothing really.

All i can do – Is try to be – good.

I guess you’re somewhere between the stars

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I guess you’re somewhere there now,

somewhere between the stars,

the little sparkling lights of hope in the darkness.

 

though I know you’re under the ground,

but I still can not believe

if only, silence could scream out loud.

 

The battles I’ve seen and the

lessons I have learned

the things you teached me,

the messages I heard

 

People miss you, more than you even might realize,

So much flowers on your grave

So much tears that stream down from faces

I bet you could make it a waterfall.

 

So much emptiness, that is left behind.

Your chair, will remain empty.

Your mug, usually filled with coffee, remains silent.

Your clothes, will hang unused and see the sun rise and go down.

There is so much left of you

And you’re not

there.

 

When the music stops

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Once, not even

that long ago –

there was music, that made sounds

now and then –

it was the worst song in the world –

now and then –

it was the most beautiful piece you have ever heard –

 

Once, not even

that long ago –

the music stopped

in a second, the tape became tapeless

the sound became silence

and there is nothing left

but emptiness

when you realize

those sounds will never appear again

in reality.

What I can’t understand

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A gone, that is forever,

it’s dark as no sky has ever been,

more wet than any raindrop ever fell and

darker dan any darkness I have seen

No more movements, you just keep still

While you are still here and

you’re gone at the same time

but what is time – if there is no movement?

.
Clearly I remember the time we last saw

each other

And I knew, I knew.

I know where you are, but you are not there anymore

.

I can not

grasp it

I just

can’t

.