What should I do…

Okay, here it comes:

There are things in my life going on I don’t know what to do and that are bothering me.
And I don’t know what to do. I feel stupid, because these things should be simple. Somehow the most people seem to ‘understand’ or ‘get’ this part, but somehow I don’t. Why? I can not exactly say.
I don’t seem to be stupid (well, that’s what others said to me) but why do I have so much issues with these things?

If you read my blog posts before, you probably know I don’t have a job and no form of income at all, and no benefits. Two years ago, I graduated from University, I have a BsC in something (but I don’t think I really fit in that field and I still wonder HOW the heck I got my degree and WHY everyone with that degree seems to manage to find something but I fail completely- there must be something wrong with me, probably there is).
Before graduating, I used to work all kind of jobs. I worked hard, but, less money, minimum wages, so I never got really rich. During University, I got a serious illness, that almost took my life, but I survived, though it caused a lot of delay and such; which -looking back on it- has cost me not only a lot of sad times and delay, also a lot of trust in myself, trust in the world around me and financial shitty situation.
I lost trust in myself, and there is no place here where you can be like that; you have to be cool and confident to get a job, since so much other people are looking for jobs and can present themselves much better than I can.

I’m not only not too confident in myself, in some ways I look different too – I’m not the standard woman. I don’t like make up (don’t use it), I don’t wear dresses and skirts, my body shape is not particular female, my feet are too large (outside of the standard women side range) and , this is a bit shamefull to admit- the most of the clothes I wear, they sell at the man’s departments. My jeans, my shirts, my sweaters. I don’t particularly like man things and I don’t want to be a man or something, it’s not like that. But somehow, I end up with these things and I feel ashamed of them. I hate shopping, just because of the looks of people, the strange looks when you are buying ‘man things’ as a woman. But the clothes simply don’t fit well otherwise, I don’t know why they make woman clothes in such weird shapes that they never fit me and such.
Probably a lot of man pay more attention to their hair then I do- I just brush it and wash it and go to the hairdresser to get a haircut and that’s about it.

I don’t know why I’m talking about this. But it does bother me from time to time.
I wish it wouldn’t, and I wish it was not an issue. Why do we make this seperation between men and women so obvious? What is the point? Isn’t it about the soul of someone, and not the sex? Are we so different from each other that we should seperate everything? In my honest opinion, I think not, but yet it happens everywhere.

Well, I drift away from what I wanted to write I guess. Since I graduated from University, I stayed for a while at my ‘students job’, which was something completely unrelated to my study, but hey, I earned money with it and it kept me busy and I could pay my bills. But as time passed by, economy started to get bad and my hours where cut down. My salary went down, and I had to travel far for it. At a certain point, things got bad. I would get 7 hours a week, and it was about the same amount the fares of the public transport , and I was ‘too old and too expensive’so, I wouldn’t get extra hours, if there were any, they would give it to the younger, since they were cheaper. The situation got nasty and I felt miserable; the atmosphere was really not nice and the things I usual did at work dissapeared and the pressure increased: work harder, more efficient, no more fun at all, no talks with colleagues, work work work and dont use your head – the interesting things about my work went to others, and all I did at the end was just playing a non stop automatic cashier- nothing wrong with that, but I became really unhappy if I do that too much, its not cool to do that for hours for me.

So , I quit. There did not seem to be any possibility to get benefits, since I am the one who quit my job. (Even if my salary was less than my income? I seem the one to blame ).
I am not lazy, from nature. I’d rather work than sit at home. I used to work hard. And now, I needed help, but there was no help. I , with my degree from university, seem to be smart enough to help myself. But what if I can’t? I don’t know how I have to get a job, or benefits. Something inside my head just knacks when I think of it, the procedures, the cross-examinations, it;s too much- I don;t know why, but I can not do it. I hide myself and don’t even start anything anymore. And why? I am not sure if I can answer.

After months sitting depressed at home, I went abroad, with a volunteerprogam- I really hoped to get myself together again with this, build up confidence and find a way to earn some money and be able to take care of myself and continue living and build up a future.
But it failed. And now I’m back here, without income, without support, and I honestly don’t know what to do.
How do I get a job, without too much hassle? People say around: if you really want to work, there is always work. But after so much rejections, after losing all trust in yourself, after not even fitting in to get benefits, how am I supposed to keep standing?

I am afraid, because I don’t want to fall back in these bad depressions again. I am afraid, because I don’t want to be stuck anymore and feel so unhappy as I was before. I am afraid, because what if they force me to do work that makes me unhappy and I break down? If they take away my freedom?

In my heart, I would like to be with people who make me happy, but they are not here. They are far. Can I still go to them and see them? How can I make it work? I would like to do a few things that make me happy. Just earn some money, I don’t need to earn a lot, just that I can buy groceries, pay my health insurance, travel a bit and buy new clothes. I don’t need to go out every week or have an expensive car or whatever. Is it soo much to ask to just have a life like that? sometimes, it seems like that.

I’m sad, because I don’t know what to do. (If you have any advice for me, please, write me or leave a reply. )
What do I do wrong? What should I do? Am I such a mess up I deserve to be in this position? Am I such a loser or do I do things so wrong that this is the price I have to pay?


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