how I miss

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to be

on the road

to travel to

unknown places

oh how i miss it right now,

the freedom

the views

the adventures

and the peace inside my soul.

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Where is my dream?

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It’s the kind that hurts the most,

the numb, the void, the empty

where I turn into a ghost.

 

(The lack of) dreams

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dream [driːm/]
noun – series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep //  state of mind in which someone is or seems to be unaware of their immediate surroundings // cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal.

” But don’t you have dreams anymore?”

Silence. Thoughts. Feeling a bit embarrassed. More thoughts. Silence. And a little storm in my head. Such a simple question, can be so difficult to answer.
Someone asked me this question a while ago, and sometimes it still kind of haunts me. Dreams. Do I have dreams? What are they? When is something exactly a dream? Did I ever have dreams? I-do-not-exactly-know.
Dreams, goals, future, they are all words that are a bit difficult for me somehow.
Maybe depression captured my dreams away. Maybe the ‘rough’ circumstances. Do dreams come back? Do you have to chase them? How can you find them when you can’t feel or see them?
Or is it that I don’t dare to see them, because if I can never realize anything it will hurt less? Who shall say.
I wondered if I ever had dreams. Was there something I really wished for? I am not sure. I guess for a long time, I kind of dreamt of my own house, or place to live. How nice that looked to me, to have a place where you can close the door and shut off from the outside world, where you decide the rules. Without any form of interfering from anyone or anything – just IF you choose for it.
That looked really nice for me, but this lasted short; circumstances changed something in me, and I don’t think it’s possible for me to have a place of my own now or in the nearby future. It’s too late. And I need it now, but I can’t. Just out of the question.
Maybe once I dreamed about a job, that was nice and that I would be happy with, that would allow me to have my own place to live, drive a car and go to places, go on holidays. Buy myself nice and proper food. Sometimes go to the cinema or a concert or a museum, buy myself a book. It doesn’t seem so far away for most of the people perhaps, but for me, it is too far away. So far that I don’t even think about it anymore, well rarely. I just can’t , because maybe it hurts too much that this is too far away (while I feel like I need it).
These things made me start thinking. What do I really need in life? What do I really need to feel happy? What is really important to me?
I figured out that it’s not having much stuff. I have too much stuff that I never use, so I started downsizing that. But if I downsize to my basic needs, I don’t seem to be happy neither. To a certain level, I seem to ‘need’ things, to be happy. For example, I don’t need a longboard to be able to live, but it does make me more happy somehow.
I don’t dare too look in the future too much anymore. it’s too far away, I can’t touch it, I can’t work towards it, just because the roads have to many bumps and you can not be sure of anything. Nothing is sure. Nothing is forever. You have to be always on guard. So HOW can you keep believing in your dreams, in your goals? Are they so strong you never give up on them? Are they so strong you never lose energy?
Dreams and goals seem so important, but on the other hand, they are only making things more difficult. Or what if you don’t really feel them? How do you decide the future? How do you work on the future?
Questions. So much questions.

Future

Sometimes I can’t see the future,
because I’m trapped in an invisible prison,
One that takes away your views and shuts off all sounds.

Sometimes I can’t bear the light,
And my eyes can only handle the dark
And everything can be both; wrong or right – there is no answer to be found.

Though sometimes I can see it, but it is far away,
I see a place and a person
and much nicer days.

Sometimes it seems out of reach and
sometimes it seems closer than before
And timeframes are getting closer
and at the same are too far away

It is all perceptive,
and days go by and days grow cold,
sometimes I want to fast forward,
and sometimes put a moment forever on hold.

The question hour

Day by day,

and time keeps passing

another day

I’m not with you.

The world is fading away and

my eyes are becoming colorblind and

everything becomes meaningless because

my heart is running out of what it needs the most

I could have screamed

I could have acted

And all that happened

is that I’m still here

and not with you.

And how much I wish

that would be true

how much I wish
to
be with you.

I need to make this life , work.

Reason. Purpose. Goals. Dreams. Wishes. Priorities. Motivation. Hope.

Last night, I came across this video : Every runner has a reason

A while ago, I came across these ‘motivational speech’ video(s) ( a few: video video 2 video 3 ).  There are loads more to find, I just mention a few here, random chosen.

If you want something enough, if you try hard enough, if you work hard enough, you will make it (?)

If you never give up on your dreams, if you keep following your heart, if you work hard enough, you will make it (?)

If you push yourself, if you keep on going, if you keep motivated you will make it (?).

So many stories to find of people who were in a sh*tty situation. So many got out and bling bling boom (this; doesnt mean I think they don’t worked hard for it!) – they made it. There they stand. The examples.

What’s the purpose of all of this? There are people, who are never going to make it. There are people , who just can not. No matter how hard they try, how hard they work, things aren’t working with them. If I see these videos, I’m truly happy for these people who made it so far, who came out of these sad situations, and they found a way to move on.

But at the same time, these videos make me feel awful. Awful about myself, that I can’t make it, that I can’t work hard anymore, that I can’t find the motivation, that I , lost my energy and trust in myself and don’t know who I am, where I fit, how I can make life work.

I don’t know. I don’t see it anymore. I have maps, a compass, books. But I can’t see it. My vision has blurred, even if I can still see clearly.

My world is somewhere else

Once, long ago,

there were little sometimes, when I used to dream

Lying down on my back in the grass

Seeing clouds dance in the sky

A pleasant sun in the corner

The wind gently blowing

but it was all

so short-

 

If I would lie down in the grass

There is no more lying down on the back

And no more staring at the sky –

The grass is full of warning signs

clouds are threatening with rain

the sun requires protection

and being on the lookout is main

 

This is not my place,

not anymore

I have to find another one

One where dreams are allowed and

just being yourself

and being happy

can be done.