On the outside

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Thick glass, but the sky is already dark

nothing can break this

decent distance,

and life is playing on the other side of this invisible screen

but it seperates me, and it seperates them.
There are not taxis on the streets,

nevertheless it seems crowded,

people with hats and umbrellas

finding their way and moving on the pavement

 

All I do

stand here, observe

because I can’t be

part of this world.

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The drive

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Bang. I closed the door a bit too loud. The car shook for a few seconds. Am I really ready? I asked myself. But since I was the only person to answer, there was no reply unless I would talk to myself.

Closing doors, turn on the engine and move. I imagined it was almost like I was in a space capsule. Sometimes I dreamed about space; to be able to fly away far from the earth, through the troposphere to the stratosphere, where I would be able to meet this weird point between the pitch black surroundings and the view to the earth – somehow it was in my mind that here is the border. And then to the mesosphere to somewhere in the thermosphere; that is where space would be for me, where it would be all black and far enough. There is somewhere this sphere called exosphere, but I didn’t really understand what this was so I tried to remove this from my memories; too much unknown. All I wanted, was to experience the travelling through these spheres, and have all the views most people would never have. I can’t exactly explain why I sometimes wish that, maybe it’s because I need to see things in broader perspectives to be able to understand. Maybe, I think I can understand life if I can see it from above.

But chances are big, I will have to live with this unanswered question for the rest of my life.

 

 

Free, but trapped.

(Or should I say trapped, but free?)

Yesterday, I had a short conversation about this with someone. It’s something that I find very difficult and maybe what I’m going to write now isn’t making any sense at all. There’s one sentence that struck me in particular:

“you know, you keep saying you’re stuck, and I know that’s how you feel. But somehow you are more free than anyone I know”

I seem to be free. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a house, I don’t have a family, I have nothing much that ‘restricts’ me in a certain way: if I don’t get up, things will not fall apart, I will not be missed very badly, nor will much people even notice.

So, I seem to be free. I seem to be free, but I can’t seem to use it, I can’t seem to feel it, I can’t seem to see it. I don’t.

Because a lot of days, are full of emptiness. Are full of uselessness, of the lack of purpose. There is nothing much that keeps me going really, there is nothing that waits for me, nothing that needs me. The world is a place where there isn’t just space for everyone; literally maybe yes, but not in the world of jobs, income, and with this, the right to live, because this is how i see it – to not have these things, with the current system of how the world works, affect this – the right to live , because the way I see it it’s that it’s so difficult and hard to live in these circumstances, that I don’t want to call that a life.

And yet this whole thing is something you can see in many perspectives. A lot of people do not think my life is so bad – “but at least you don’t have a family” , “at least you have a bed to sleep in” or “at least you have food”.

So if you are alone, (which is already more difficult, because you have less support and everything is more expensive and you have nothing to fall back on, because you will have to fix everything yourself), it’s not so bad? So if you have a family, to care for, that’s worse than rot away when you’re alone? THis is really making me angry sometimes, and I want to scream: BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE EACH OTHER. But I don’t. I keep silent.

At least you have a bed to sleep in – what the fuck does this bed change when you feel so down and there is no purpose? Want to have my bed? fine, take it, I’ll sleep on the floor, whatever.

At least you have food? Fuck this food, it keeps my physically alive, but then the rest? And all this food is full of added crap, chemicals, whatever. You want to have the food? Fine, take it.

*now-back-to-less-angry-mode*

There are these moments, like now, how I realize how messed up (my) life is. How stuck I am and can;t get out. How I do not see possibilities anymore, ways to try.

Why should anyone give me a job? Why should anyone see something in me?

What future do I have to look forward to? Why would anyone help me out?

Am I to blame? Do I try to less? I had years of therapy, I saw different psychologists, I tried medication, I tried to finish a study, I did, I always worked, but after I graduated things fell apart. Can someone please tell me why I keep failing, what I do wrong, what is wrong with me? Because I don’t understand it anymore.

I seem to have a lot of possibilities, of choices, of so called ‘freedom’.

Yet, I feel a lot of pressure and judging minds about my situation. Every step is a marathon. Trying to find a job? There’s so much pressure and stuff to ‘explain’. Benefits? They are going to control my life and I will die even more inside.

Something has to be wrong with me, because I dont even have benefits. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t work for so long now.Something has to be wrong with me, because I can’t live on my own and I live in family’s house. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t get life nor do I understand the system. Something has to be wrong, because I can’t live like this.

Freedom. I can’t do whatever whenever I want.

So called freedom.

 

Side line

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The real world isn’t always a nice place to be. Often I feel like I’m not even part of it;that  I’m just somewhere on a side line, watching from a distance. Or behind a thick cloud, where I can see vague movements, but can’t step into. Seeing and observing and noticing the world, the real world. But not really feeling and experiencing it. I’m in a side world; living my own, detached life.

Sometimes I wish to be a part of it, other times I wish I could withdraw from it and pretend it’s not there. Anyway, even if there are maps, it’s still unsure how to walk your path exactly. The paths drawn on the map are not yours, so you will have to figure out anyway. And even if you find the road, you will have to figure out how to walk it, IF you can walk it.

Sometimes I don’t want to face the world. I don’t want to be part of it, and  I hide in my own detached world. In the past I used to dissapear in video games, but the game console hasn’t been touched for months; I don’t feel like playing at all. Sometimes I just sit in my room, watching, thinking, walking around, but not doing anything much – this can be hard, to pass the day nicely.

And sometimes, when things work out, I dissapear into the world of books and this world absorbs me completely. Now, I wish I could dissapear in the world of books – I want to read and read and read and be with my head somewhere else in a story. Yet, I’m not in the right mindset to read, so it doesn’t work out. Nothing seems to be right, nothing seems to last.

So I’m sitting here. Trying to still make something of the day, but struggling. Sometimes it’s just so hard to get through a day. What do you do when you have a day like that?

The future is back in the past ?

7 am. Light shows up at the corners of the curtain. Well, actually, the light showed up before, I just opened my eyes. The ticking of a clock with a familiar sound, but from the past. I open the curtain. I stare at a tree, one I did see before, but didn’t see the last 6 months. I recognize the bed, because it’s actually mine.
The bed from my childhood, but it’s the only bed I have. I look around. This is a room where I spend a lot of time, but I haven’t seen it for at least 6 months.

It’s quiet. I feel weird. I wasn’t supposed to be back here so quickly. But how much options do I have – living at the street is not so easy.

There is one very important something missing. He’s not hopping around. My rabbit. He died unexpectedly last week. One week before I came back. It’s empty. His cage is standing outside in the rain. The last traces of him. Leftover food, little hay. No trace of him. He’s gone. Buried in the garden of this place. A few tears stream down my face. Did he miss me? Did he thought that I abandoned him? I was looking forward to see him again. But now, he’s gone. And he is not the only one that died in the past few weeks.

Death is something weird. I don’t get it. It’s so real and unreal at the same time. I don’t know if I’m afraid for it or not. But I know for sure that I’m more afraid to lose people I love than to lose myself.
It’s so cruel. To see the pain. To feel the pain. One second can change so much. One heartbeat missed – why does a heart decide to stop beating? When does it decide? I don’t know how to write or what to say. There are thousands of things in my head I’ve been wanting to write before but without a computer or internet it was not possible somehow. Yeah, I do have a notebook and a pen, but somehow it’s not the same. Probably things will appear in weird parts and pieces, that don’t make sence in the order they will appear. But I can’t do much else, not at this moment. A mirror broken into many pieces, and every piece is in a different place.

I’m back in the world from the past. But this world is not the same. And I’m not the same.

( And so, this -I guess- means -I guess- I’m back. )

And so, they took away my dreams

Believe me, I tried.

To adapt to what they wanted from me,

who they wanted me to be,

and what they wanted to see.

But my dreams have died,

which now, they blame me for;

 

for not being able to,

for not knowing,

for not acting,

for not trying  hard enough.

 

But sometimes,

you need something back from the world

instead of trying and trying and giving and undergo and endure and suffer

 

when everything has been

taken away from you

Bazaar Bizarre

bazaar

One single step

an entrance into this other world

I left this other one behind

faceless, nameless and invisible

Sounds, scents and impressions welcome

but I became deaf

lost my ability to smell

appear to be suddenly colorblind.

As if things never have been different

flavors blend and cultures melt

and change or deviation have no existence

like in an empty dictionary

though there are many stories to be told

I am a stranger.

but for a moment,

Just a short moment

It feels as a home.