Happy clouds

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They were all ours, on this sunny day.

You and me, sitting on a terrace in the city center. It was one week and one day ago. I remember it perfectly. The day before I left. Inside I was sad because I know I would leave, and I didn’t want to. You were sitting on the opposite side. We were having lunch. The same dish. We would go to the museum after – the kind of museum I visited too often and made me impatient lately – I’m still sorry for that. I remember looking at you,- realizing how precious you are to me.

We walked in the park, and I remember how I wished it to be warmer so we could lie down in the grass. Like that time we did in Serbia when we were still the random friends, without knowing that we would really love each other deeply and be together more ‘seriously’. The grass, the sky, the sun, and how your head was on my leg and we just stared at the sky and talked and talked and just lay there, in the grass.

This was a difficult week for me. I tried to get distracted by work, but all where my mind went, was you. All I wanted was to be with you, instead of being here alone. That you would be there when I would come home from work and that I would cook for you. And we would go on a walk together next to the Garonne, on our secret path, or where ever we would be..

How I miss the most simple things the most. Just looking at you. Sitting next to you. Playing silly games with the Whalepillow. Going to the grocery store – watching a movie, walking outside in the sun…

How I realize how empty my life is without you. How dangerous that is, but I can’t help it. It’s dangerous to love someone deeply. It can be over in a second. It can be over, so unexpected. But I don’t want that to happen. You make the world so much more beautiful for me. And it’s also dangerous not to love. It’s both sides, like everything in life. But I can’t choose, because I just love you, it’s there and there is nothing I can do about that.

And every single day, I ask myself if I really had to take that plane. And go back to my job. Away from you again. Every single day.

Should I have said ‘fuck you work, I stay with my love’. Should I have let the plane go, to stay with my love. It’s terrible to have a distant love, and it’s beautiful at the same time. It could be worse, but it sometimes feels like hell to not be able to be together and not knowing when you can. I want to be with you, but I also want to be safe with you and be able to have our place, have the basic things, and not end up on the streets. I want that there is a future. For you, for me, for us.

Today, the clouds seem just like last week. We sitting on a terrace. But I’m sitting and typing on the computer, observing the sky from behind the window. You are probably at work, not being able to see the sky. But the sky is in the heart, and so it will be okay.

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Huge doubts, if I’m doing the right thing.

Hello who ever reads this; firstly thank you for reading this, and a happy new year. I truly hope this will be a good year for you.

Hello to my super doubting self too: CAN YOU FREAKING WAKE UP FOR ONCE PLEASE AND MAKE A DECISION?

*breathe in, breathe out*.

Well, there’s a lot to say but I will not type everything; I’m too tired, and too pissed of with myself. So it will be a supershort version.

My car isn’t going through the yearly check; the bottom rusts too much, so I have to say goodbye to the car. I didn’t plan this, but it’s worse then expected, so I had to find a new car rapidly,. I found one, spend more money then I was planning too, but at least I can go to work and drive safe.

One of my friends’s boyfriend works at a housing company. She called me that there will be a nice apartment available soon – a chance to live on my own.

A few weeks ago I was sure I had to move out.

Now it really came, I am filled with doubts. I can’t decide. I can’t do it somehow.

*What if my job ends soon?

*I want to be closer to my love, and does it make sense to take an apartment when I maybe will move abroad?

* I just bought a new car, and getting in an apartment will mean: less money, less savings, maybe less possibilities to travel

*Do I really see myself living in that place? Where I have nothing and no one?

I saw the advertisement, because they placed it online today. It really looks nice though.

It would be perfect for me.

WHY can’t I take this chance?
WHY can’t I make up my mind and DO something?
WHY is there something inside of me that blocks doing something like this?

I don’t understand myself. I feel bad, bad that I can’t decide, bad that I’m turning down something while my friend tries to help me.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t know what to do.

 

Living a life?

The last few weeks, have well…..just been weeks. Where days go by, and days go by.

I don’t really feel like I’m living a life. Most of the things are empty, meaningless, things that ‘have to be done’. But all disconnected from feelings. Things and feelings without a soul.

In most ways, everything has been chaotic. Work has been unstable, due to problems with planning department, extreme busy to nothing to do, to the sounds of the firing people issue. If everything goes according the planning, things will be more clear next week of who’s going to be fired and who not. (Not that I believe that – there are contradicting messages all the time and I don’t know what or who to believe – I guess I ‘ll just wait untill it really happens, because if I don’t its all lost energy of worrying and questioning). I don’t get it why they are so unclear and make so much fuss about it, all this causes is restless people.

Things at home have been difficult.

Sometimes I’m sad I still ‘live at my parents, because sometimes, like now, I dream of my own place. But it’s simple: I can’t really afford it. The risks are too high. Rents are too high. Even with my salary that is above minimum wage. BUT, since my work position and my income is unstable: I never have hour guarantees. Next week it dropped,  I have 16 hours. Thank you cutbacks. If my work drops like that, I wouldn’t be able to pay the rent or other bills.

Now, my sister is back again. I can’t help it, but everything changes when she’s here, certain things annoy me. I’m really okay with having someone over,  but somehow things with her always go the same and they annoy me. Which I find difficult to admit, or somehow I’m ashamed by it, because she’s my sister. She’s fighting hard for a place in the world too.

But somehow, she takes a lot of energy, she’s a very present person, makes a lot of noise. She is also very direct and strong, especially verbally. She also doesn’t have any money, and does whatever fits her. She doesn’t really think about others. Last week, I couldn’t sleep in the evening because i heard her watching movies late at night, and early in the morning I woke because she was jumping and exercising in her room, waking me up. She eats food without thinking someone maybe has to go to work or maybe someone planned something with that. She doesn’t really ask, she just takes and eats it in her room. Doesn’t really eat together or plan to cook for everyone, just for her, whenever she wants to.

I don’t know why it’s so annoying to me – she needs to eat too and do her things.  But the way she behaves, without ever showing something back, is maybe what annoys me te most. Or that I always have to ask or say, that she never sees it herself. For me it’s so logical to realize there are others too and they have needs, but for her, she doesn’t seem to think about it and does whatever comes to her mind without thinking of the others. Is that my failure?

For example, I bought a special chocolate, also for my parents/for everyone. But what happens? She takes the bar,stores in in her room, and  eats it all. To me that is selfish and rude. I can’t understand that. She will not buy a new one. She always asks about this and that, but never goes buy something herself.  There are more ‘little’ things like that, but I’m too tired of it to type them out. I am too tired. And if I say something about it, my mom gets mad too. Whatever. I don’t want to fight about it, but sometimes it’s really pissing me off, like last week, when she ate all the bread and didn’t put a new bread out of the freezer, so I ended up going to work with no bread. No big deal if it happens once, but there’s too much all the time with her, I really can not ‘take it in’ anymore. seems like my limits crossed and since that they’re always crossed. I wish I could stop this, or that it would not annoy me.

It seems that she kind of agreed with my mom that the upcoming time she will stay here and eat here without paying anything. Without paying is fine, but just ……….blegh. It’s fine, and it’s not. But maybe it’s me.

My (last living) grandma, who lives close, isn’t so well lately. The mixed feelings I have make it difficult. things that happened in the past, and that she is so dependent in certain ways. If my mom wouldn’t be here, we wouldn’t be in touch ( in my moms culture family is very important). My dad would never have seen his parents again. They didn’t treat my mom and dad so well in the past, and they did things that are not so cool. Now my mom is the one who arranges everything that is needed, and she seems very dependent on my mom, who already has enough to do, and, lost her own mom earlier this year. I do things or try to do things too for her, because I don’t want my mom to do everything. My grandma’s own daughter ( my aunt – i never see) doesn’t. My dad, doesnt. I can’t explain it any better right now, but I’m sick of the whole situation. The conflicts I have with myself – what is right, if things aren’t right.

It isn’t right, but not doing anything doesn’t feel right neither.

It makes me sad. It never changes. It never does, and I can’t do or say anything about it.

It’s a trap, where you can’t get out. Where I can’t get out. I don’t know what are the right things to do. I am doubting myself. Am I wrong? Am I having wrong views of the world, of how things should be? I have no right to speak, because I still live at home, I can’t be completely indepentent, I guess. I feel bad about myself too, that I’m mixed up in these conflicts, and I can’t decide and make up my mind.

I’m fine, and I’m not.

Off|day

Today I guess, is an off day. I don’t know exactly why, but I don’t feel so good. Physical not so well neither – I feel weak somehow. I had to do a few small things outside of the house today (and it was freaking cold outside). Somehow the house where I am is one big fridge too – it’s never really warm here. With the heating system on, the temperature in my room is 15 degrees Celcius aka 59 degrees Fahrenheit. It’s not so pleasant somehow, but I know I should be lucky because it could be much worse.

Sometimes I’m sitting here with my hat on, and I have fingerless gloves I often wear because my hands often get (very) cold and then typing or doing something is not comfortable at all – it’s pretty uncomfortable sometimes because doing things is not easy.

I feel worried and sad and have such mixed feelings. I just stared at the computerscreen for a while, not sure what to do. I went to bed for a while, and I slept for some while. I read a bit. I saw some photographs of someone’s travel, and I feel sad I’m not travelling, because even if things are far from perfect and while travelling you can feel pretty lost too, it seems to be comforting or nice in some ways. I feel sad because I miss the person I love, but I don’t really feel things anymore – I’m kind of numb. I know I love her, and I know I would feel better when we would be together, but right now, I don’t feel it. I just know, but I do not feel. I don’t like this too much.

As well, I think my parents kind of want me to leave in the future. A few times they said some things to me, maybe they were hints, like that I should get my own place. Well, I guess that should be clear right? If I only knew where to go and how to act. It’s all so risky, with falling completely down, and who will pick me up or help me when it happens? This is frightening to me.

This weekend, I was planning to go to an expo for emigration, some kind of thing where lots of info should be, a lot of countries (its an international expo) and maybe future employers? I bought a ticket a while ago (cheaper than buying it there) and I bought a special, cheaper card for the public transport (it’s expensive, this card saves me more than half, which is a lot). And now I’m frightened somehow, to go there. It’s a long trip, it will take me 3,5 hours to get there (car would be not even 2 hours, but is more expensive, and with the current weather and how I feel (=not so great) that isn’t the greatest idea now I guess). So it would take at least a 7 hours travel there and back. I expect the trains to be crowded, it might be crowded there, I’m not such a good networker, but yeah. I don’t know exactly what’s going on. I just feel very uncomfortable, and rather hide under my sheets and stay in bed.

Just an offday.It’s just an offday.

Eh…I guess I have a kind of…interview?

Yesterday, I came across a job that kind of suits to my field of study. Not really, but it’s a bit linked somehow and I seem to fit the requirements again for a change (second time this seem to happen – rare!). So I applied for it, after feeling anxious and all these feelings and thoughts that make me feel very insecure , and I still feel anxious. I can’t really explain why; it’s not the end of the world, it’s just an application. The worst thing that can happen is that you get rejected right?

So today, my phone rang. (Yikes – I still hate phonecalls, but I force myself to pick up now, because if I want a job, I will have to talk to people). First I thought it was because of my application yesterday. But it was a different organisation. One that found my resume online. I never heard of this name before, and the person said they had some functions because their organisation is growing. It seems to be some kind of sales and marketing organisation, and they seem to be searching for commercial assistants, people who lead teams of the sales stuff, and who accompany and guide things in the organisaiton or something. I said that I am not really a manager type especially not for sales, but they said they have different positions and asked if I want to come for an interview, to ‘get to know each other’. If I could come tomorrow. Eh……tomorrow already? I don’t know anything about this. But I said yes. Without knowing anything of the company. Now, I read about the company, I’m not sure if this will be a place where I could work or where I would suit.

I just googled some things I could find about this company. Yikes. They all look like business and sales people. I AM NOT LIKE THAT.

What the hell do I wear tomorrow? I DONT HAVE CLOTHES LIKE THEM

Will I be strong and confident enough? Can I find the place where it is?

What if what if what if.

ARGHH.

 

>> Fast forward >>

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Boom.

Sometimes, I want time to move on. Or maybe not time; I want myself, to move on. But usual, I’m slow, and usual, I wait too long. At least 10 years of my life have passed, just like that. Now, sometimes, I regret it, but depression captured me, and even if I wanted to do – I couldn’t act different in that time. So I should’t regret. But sometimes, these feelings come over and make me feel I do.

Years ago, I could have gone on a trip to Japan with my previous Jiu Jitsu club. I didn’t – why? Because I was too afraid. I never went on an airplane, I never went so far, I had to go with 98% of unknown people there. Now? I can hit myself that I didn’t go.

Last year, I could have gone on a trip to Georgia (Between Russia and Armenia, not the state of the USA) because I had the time and money. I didn’t – why? Because I was too afraid.

So I can mention much more things. It’s a miracle I finished university – though it didn’t get me a job, it could have gave me a debt as twice as high if I failed.

Now? I feel like I’m done with my old life. And still I’m a bit stuck. I want to enjoy life, I want to experience, I want to see the world, I want a #### job! I want to earn money, I want to be able to have a place to live, a place to live with i-love-very-much-far-away-friend , I want to be able to buy a (second hand) car, I want to be able to buy new clothes I want without having to calculate and think for a month. I want to be able to take someone to the movies. To eat out sometimes. To go on a bicycle ride and sit in the sun in the park. To go to a museum. To go to the mountains in the weekend. To learn to ski. To buy someone a nice present. To do nice things for people. There is so much I want. But at the same time, these things give so much pressure- this little depression voice -you failed, failed failed failed failed in life . You managed so far to get your (hopeless) degree, but your life didn’t get any better – it even got worse. You never managed to find a job, you never managed to take care of yourself completely. You can’t be free – you can not afford your own little place to live, you are dependent on people who are nice to you. *SHOOT* stop.

I’m going to move in a while, abroad again. I look very forward to it, I need a change. But at the same time I’m really afraid: what if I can’t make it? What if I still can’t find a job? This is really scary – I so want to make this work. I so want to make this work.

I wish I could shoot this depression monster, that sometimes comes up inside of me. The thing that brings the fear, the thing that causes these doubts, that thing that messes up with my self confidence.

That is there, still, deep inside of me, though I managed to cut down its strenght. But it’s still there, I know, it knows.

I wish I could just shoot it, pow, boom,and never see it again.