Overwhelming sadness

Brick by brick. It falls apart. Brick by brick. Falls apart.



I did not draw for a long time. But what I drew, long ago, seems to be still accurate.

Maybe I never changed. Maybe I didn’t make any progress for a long, long time.

Maybe I never made any progress, and all I seem to do, is picking up the pieces that have been falling apart, pick them up together, rebuild it, and then the same story continues.

It falls apart. I repair it. It falls apart. I pick it up. It falls apart. And so on.

When the sun goes down


or maybe just once,
all the colors of the world dissapear,
and you sink in to the deep
where there is no light

You sit on the bottom of the cave
and can’t fall deeper,
but can’t climb – you’re completely stuck

I don’t know what is worse,
but all I know is
that even if you’re on the bottom of the cave

and when the sun goes down
it does come up again
even if you can not bear the light.

The last weekend of four wisdom teeth.

It was the last weekend I had four wisdom teeth. After this weekend, everything would change: I would have 3 wisdom teeth left. I didn’t really want to say goodbye to the unfortunate wisdom tooth; but according to different dentists, who had been mentioning it fa few times, it had to get out. To avoid futher trouble.

3 years ago the first one mentioned it. I didn’t do it. It’s my tooth, it belongs to me, and it doesn’t cause trouble. 2 years ago another one mentioned it. It was not the right time, since I would be leaving soon abroad, and it was not in a hurry, the dentist said. And then, the year later, the dentist mentioned it again and gave me a referral to the dental surgeon in the hospital. The letter was on my desk for months. The year coming to and end, health insurance will change again, probably not in a good way, so: it had to be done now.

I called the hospital, and I expected long waiting lists. But I was wrong, within two weeks it was my turn.In the morning I went to work; it would be better for distraction. I was not particularly worried though – I didn’t like it, but I knew it had to be done. I went to the hospital. I was a bit nervous. First they made X-rays, then I got anesthesia. Then it happened.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough anesthesia, so I got another injection during the treatment. It didn;t go easy – the tooth didn’t want to go out. My mouth is not to wide neither, so it was a bit hard to reach. That the tooth was turned a bit and stuck behind another tooth wasn’t helpful too. The surgeon tore and tore at my jaw and drilled and drilled.

Pieces of the tooth broke. He tore and tore and drilled again. Finally, after a lot of pushing, tearing and drilling, the tooth said bye.

I asked if I could keep my tooth – it’s still a part of me after all, even if it’s out.

Tooth & I went home, after picking up painkillers. For two days I could barely open my mouth. Eating and talking were difficult. I wasn’t particularly in pain, just opening my mouth was difficult. The only thing that hurts and is very annoying, is my jaw. It’s a miracle my jaw didn’t break. But all that tearing didn’t do any good. Half of my head hurts and doesn’t feel so nice. My whole left jaw is irritating. I also feel very tired – I don’t know why, but I want to sleep all day and night.

The tooth? Is lying next to me on my desk. It stares at me. I stare at the tooth.

We both have questions, but no answers.

How can you be gone?

On my computer, I come across a picture. A picture from a party of a mutual friend of ours. A good friend of mine, a good friend of you. It’s where my evening stops, for a second.

On the picture we look happy. I remember that evening very well. It was the 30th birthday of our friend. First we spend time at her place. Parties are not for me, but that night I  made lots of exceptions. For our friend.  We knew each other vaguely before. That night, we talked, talked and talked, laughed, had fun. And we went out that night. Yeah, me too, the person who never goes out like that. I made an exception. For our friend, that I never saw so happy before that we all went to the city and a place to go out, with her. She was really really happy.

We had a great time. We talked more. We laughed. We took pictures. We drunk. (yeah, me too). From that day, I saw you more often and we spoke more often. I remember the evening in a December our other friend took us to the theatre as a surprise. How happy we were. I remember how we had fun that night. How we sat together in the theatre. How I drove you home that night, and we spend hours in the car talking on the parking lot. I remember how we wrote messages when I was abroad. I remember how strong you always were and how smart you were. You were one of a kind. With a rough life, I know. But you were such an example, so strong. It was incredible.

I remember when I came back from abroad, how we sat in your garden in the summer talking and how things were slowly getting better for you.

And then, the phonecall. *silence*.

This year, on the birthdayparty, you were not there. You should have been there, though.

Again, I look at the pictures. Now, those pictures, with some memories, are everything that’s left of you.

It’s so weird. Sometimes it really gets me. How can you be gone? How is it possible?

I look at your face. And the first thing that comes in my mind, is how your face looked liked in the morgue. How difficult that was. How can you be gone?

I see you smile on the picture.

And I know, I will never see you smile again.



It has been searching its way,

It has been trying so hard,

but everytime with every new road,

it fell.

It has questioned itsself,

It has challenged itsself,

but only rarely, it moved forward.

Sometimes, it’s tired,

and all it can do,

is stay there for a while in agony

untill the storm passes

and slowly

get up again.



New year. New chances. New hopes.

New pressure. Again pressure. Pressure never really was away. Always lurking around the corner.

And especially today, I realize, or it has been made clear, that I’m in a very toxic environment.

I don’t have a home

I am not free

I can not be myself

I have no rights here

This life is living me and I can’t escape it

because I’ll be the one to put the blame

and it’s just wrong

I can’t get air
I can’t breathe.

Sometimes it seems like everything is working against me
There is no support for me
That I don’t deserve support
That I don’t deserve positive things
That I don’t deserve oxygen
That I don’t deserve space to be myself

I’m surrounded by poison

Very toxic poison.

I need an antidote.


(I’m truly sorry; Haven’t been able to keep up with blog world, nor read or respond; I’m in survival mode – but the best wishes out there, I truly hope the New Year started well for you all and will be a good year.)