Living what life?

Imagine. But it’s a truth.

I have a day job.A changing amount of hours every week. Nothing steady, nothing fancy.   Permanent contracts out of the question . It’s not the question if you have to leave or not:  the question is when.

It’s not a special job: everyone could do it I guess, there is no special degree needed for it, though when they make selections, they kind of pretend it that way.

Despite that the colleagues are nice, I guess the job is not making me happy at all. I keep telling myself that it could be worse, and seriously, this is not the worst job I had. In fact it’s the best, as you speak in friendliness and payment. But that, is not everything.

And however I make enough to support myself, it will not, or never,  make me rich. It will not help me to buy a house or something. It will just help me to pay the bills, and lead a moderate life in terms of – yeah, in terms of what exactly?

Work became something I don’t look forward to anymore. It became dull, unrewarding, and the days become longer, though in minutes they didn’t expand at all. I feel like a robot, a part of a system that isn’t really a good one, but, that’s something you should’t care or question about; it just makes things more complicated for yourself.

there are a lot of indications that this isn’t the job that makes me happy.It gets harder in time. I get headaches, I’m tired, and I care less, I lost my motivation. I try to do things right, but it’s never right anyway and hard working doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s not even notices. Maybe I would really like to find a job in my field of interest, but I don’t really know what my field of interest is. Often people say that is bullshit, but I’m really not sure myself.

As well I always feel like I’m not qualified enough or there is too much asked in a profile which I’m not. Also this game of who’s the best candidate, and all this fancy stuff, isn’t my thing. Sometimes I wonder about going back to study, but it’s unsure how I could afford that or support myself. And if I could make it, with my mental struggles. I guess I have motivation issues. It’s not that I don’t want, I’m not sure exactly what it is. It just makes things complicated. I also wonder if the degree or certificate would help anyway- I don’t think so). It would be just lost money. But what am I working towards to? To keep working like this and supporting myself to rent a house and buy food and keep that going for 20 or 30 years?
I passed the point where all the questions and thoughts keep me from sleeping. It became normal part of my life. Where simply a year ago these things would keep me up , they became a part of me – they don’t keep me from sleeping, but just continue during my sleep.

I wish I could explain how I feel. But the truth is: I’m not sure myself.

All I know is that I struggle to find my words, to find my feelings, to find the change.

All I know is that what you are reading, are just words to you, but it’s blood of my soul.

And all the words that I can’t find, are frustrating me that I can’t get them out.

That I can’t find the step to change. That I can’t do things different.

that I don’t know what I feel. That I dont know what i want.

That I just can’t make things better for myself.

What am I living?

So yeah, I feel like crap.


I guess I knew it was kind of ‘coming’, but somehow I seemed to think it would pass without anything special. I always had these periods of emptiness, of feeling useless and crap, feeling awful because of this emptiness and nothingness. I guess this is the depression. It has been away for quite some time. Well it never really is but it seemed not so bad. But I feel tired, exhausted, and empty. Especially this emptiness is terrible.

At work, I arranged something. Last week I went to a talk about mental stuff at work, and I got to know two of my direct colleagues were there too. They had issues too, they spoke, but I kept silent. I didn’t reveal what is the dark side in me. No one really knows, and I would like to keep it that way I think.

But with several things at work (that don’t work so well) my frustration and feeling not well is growing. I had , and have, trouble to make full days at work. So I grabbed my guts together and went to the manager. Well his replacement – officially I have another manager, but  he’s on holiday and I don’t feel comfortable because he does never really act. This woman manager does.

I don’t think I had a very coherent story and I remained pretty abstract, I said something like I was not so happy anymore at work lately, I had trouble to get through the day and a little about this depression. Boom. There is was out.

I didn’t have a long talk, and I remember her saying she is not familiar with depression, but she arranged shorter working days for me for the upcoming time. Which seems to give me space. Or I hope it will, to get myself together again.

But she wants to have regular contact. Like know if this helps. Like in next week. That was some kind of pressure too, because depression doesn’t lift in one week, does it? So I am not sure how she sees this.

I guess this is a good thing, but I’m not sure about my position at work. It’s already under pressure, maybe I should not care, but I don’t hope this makes things worse.

While I was walking on the street from the grocery store tonight, I felt like a zombie. I just stare empty into this world, and everything seems empty. I don’t get exactly why emptiness is so awful. I crawled away on the couch, and somehow I managed to put chicken in the oven for dinner. I’m really trying to keep myself together, but sometimes, that is difficult.

Yesterday I saw this video, and somehow I relate to it. I don’t like the music too much, but the rest spoke to me.

I don’t know if it makes any sense to post it here, but I’ll just post it.




Since one or two weeks (I’m bad with remembering times and such), I am trying to work according ‘the plan’ (I made a while ago). And surprisingly I must say, even with the ‘bad’ moments, I am doing quite well so far (at least, I think). Since the start I managed to go on walks at least 2 times a week, but so far I went 3 times each week untill now – well okay, today I made my second walk, but I plan to go tomorrow again. Sometimes the walk is shorter, sometimes longer, but at least it’s a 30 minutes walk.

This morning was quite okay as well I guess- I did another job application. At some kind of special burgers place (no mcD or BK, this is for quality burgers and with pure and organic ingredients.). Of course I’m not the perfect person for this job – like for nothing. But I think it could be a nice job, and it’s parttime, which would be nice too. (At this moment, I am not sure if I could handle fulltime job). I wrote the application quite fast, and I was quite satisfied with the result too – not about everything, but I can always find something that is not perfect or that I’m not satisfied with – and even if I was doubting about how to say something, I just thought, okay, what the heck, I will send it out. If this little thing means the difference between having the job or not (which of course, could be a reason), then it’s not my job.So it’s send.

As well, I already made my walk today, and now I have a full afternoon left. And I’m not sure what to do. Before these things took me hours, and easily I ended up a whole day busy with it. Now, it went a lot faster, and I feel a bit locked up and surrounded by emptiness.

I’m not sure if I can manage more jobsearching and applications today. So I will try to find something else to occupy myself with. Tonight it’s Jiu Jitsu night, so for the evening I don’t have to worry. Strange and unfair how things are balanced (or not) sometimes, some people crave for freetime, others have so much that it almost kills them in a certain way.

Find you, find me.


And I look at your sunset. It’s live, but it’s far away from me. I can see it, but I can’t touch it. I can dream it, but I can’t experience it. I can remember, but I want it to be reality.

Sometimes, there is an intense sadness that comes over me. Deep inside, I know exactly why. Deep inside, there is this little piece of hope, that hopes to become the person that I seem to be; that hopes that once, there will be air to breathe, and space to move forward.

Hope hopes. Hopeless hope?

And I feel sad, intense sad, because I feel lonely and lost. Feeling lost for so long, running around in this maze, and imagine that you’ll never find the exit. All you see is a repeat of the same leaves you ran next to so many times . You see the seasons change, but never catch a glimpse of the exit.

I feel sad, because I miss the person I love. Why are we so far away? It’s cruel. I know, I should be grateful, thanks to the online world, thanks to Skype, thanks to webcams, thanks to microphones, that I can see her, I can hear her voice, I can talk with her.

But there is something that I reall mis. And that’s to be with her. To feel her presense, to put my head on her shoulder. To have her head on my shoulder. To just lie down and watch the sky. And my arms touches hers. To wake up, and see her next to me. To make breakfast for her. To go grocery shopping and sort out the food we will cook together.

I know I can count down the days. Twenty, to be exactly, just twenty days. It’s nothing right? All I know is that I don’t want it to be months away from her every time again. It hurts, it really hurts. I want and need to change my life again. But this time,  I want to change it with her in it, in real. I don’t have much direction in my life, after trying a few things, I kind of got on a no directions track. She’s the head direction at this moment. She is not my everything, but she is a lot. There is more in the world besides her, of course, it’s dangerous to have just one thing, especially when it’s a person, in life. But everything seems to fall into nothing compared to her. Sometimes it’s scary for me, how I never thought being able to connect with people, to love someone this way.

I just can deal better with the world with her around me. I want to do things, with her around me. I try things, with her around me. For myself, it doesn’t really matter, or I can’t find the strenght, to move. It’s dangerous, and at the same time, it seems to be my saviour, in some ways. She makes me move. And not only in my heart.

Twenty days. Just twenty days.

They don’t take away my sadness. Twenty days can be a lot. They can be a lot.

waiting, for what?

Another day like other days before. The weather is nice – sunshine, not too cold, no rain. And I don’t have to do anything. Could be a perfect day, right? At least, that’s how it must be for some people. I should be happy, that I have a place to stay right now, that I can eat something, and so many things could be worse. Yeah, things could be worse. But that, doesn’t mean things are okay.

Be happy with what you have. Uhuh, who says. It’s a sentence that kills everything. Easy spoken, when you are not deeply unhappy and trapped.

Or say: oh, but in this country it’s not so bad, and it’s not so bad you don’t have a job, at least you don’t have a family. Uhuh, yeah, right, If that makes things okay.

Sometimes it’s making me angry. I am angry. I want to get out of this crap, but I’m stuck in a spider’s web where the spider has used superglue. I shouldn’t have come back here. It would have been better to be still abroad and even if I have lived on the streets, it might have been better. Yeah, I know what I say. I know living on the street is not cool.

And here I’m sitting. Waiting. Waiting for something to change. For something to happen. And I know too damn well, it doesn’t. That waiting doesn’t get me anywhere.

I should apply for jobs like crazy, I should run around and shout around how good I am and why someone should hire me and what I’m capable of and how cool I am and such.

But you know what? Reality is different. Here, the person behind these words, is broken.
YEARS now, YEARS – rejections, failures, people telling me it’s really not so bad, things will get better someday…………what do they know? WHAT do they know about this?

Things like this just need to hold on for long enough, and you completely lose yourself.

You don’t know anymore who you are, what you want, what you like, what you wish, what you dream, since there is no more. You don’t even know what you can, or are capable of, and you feel guilty. Guilty towards the world that they have to deal with a miserable failure like you me.

And it’s just a bad moment, right. Just a bad moment.

So soon, a relapse.

5 days. It’s 5 days ago exactly I have returned to my past life. Just 5. It looks like 5 years.I know pretty sure that I don’t want to be here, or not stay here. But i don’t know where my place is. I don’t know what to do when you have nothing. Why would things work out in other countries when i can not even make it in the country where I was born?

For a couple of days I was okay, but now, right now, I’m not fine. This intense loneliness is coming back and the frustrations. The endless days. Ticking of the clock. Seconds looking minutes, minutes looking hours, hours looking days and so on.
Why am I here? (because I have nowhere else to go). Brave reason, brave reason.
There is something else that is connected to this what I want to avoid: depression, anxiety, the usual crap. I don’t want to slip away so badly again. It takes so much energy and it is so hard to get out of it, and before you know you have lost five years.

I wish I had money. Then i would just buy a small house abroad, and move. I don’t need a lot, all I want is just food, a bit travelling, and live somewhere. I will grow my own stuff as far as I can, and I want to have a few people around. Is that too much too ask? I don’t want to go on cruise holidays, I don’t need 5 star hotels, I don’t need to go to the most expensive places in the world. I don’t need gucci or prada or gold or whatever kind of expensive clothes or jewelry or whatever. I don’t need a superfancy deluxe car, I don’t need to go to the hairdresser 2 times a week. All I want, is a place where I can be. Where I’m welcome. Where I’m allowed. Where i can do. Where people don’t judge. Where I am connected.

I miss. so much.
I’m sad. so much.
Just now. I hope just now.

Today, my heart lets me down

Invisible tears are streaming down my face

My head hangs down

Depression doesn’t know any grace,

My heart aches and I’m so tired

where I also have let myself down next to all of that

and my body decided to have my soul fired.

(and yeah, it worked.)


How can I hang on? How can I hold on.

I don’t want to be here like this, I can not be here like this.

I am a stranger to the people I know

The people I know are strangers to me

Connections are broken,

and broken are the connections.

I wish I could hide my heart away

it is empty, it is lost

and showing signs of decay.