That, was that.

I went to the office today and had a talk with my manager and the job agency aka my official employer. I felt superstressed and nauseaus before going there, really had a knot in my stomach. The talk was okay – there is a plan now, which means I’m going back to work from monday and I start with two hours a day.

I also said that I don’t want my contract to be renewed. I think my manager was a bit surprised.  But now everyone knows my contract will end somewhere end of July. So whatever happens, I will not stay in my current job.

So far that, and that was that.

This is the beginning of an end. I don’t know where it will go – it felt difficult, but in my heart I know this is the right decision.

The antidote

IMG_9240Once and maybe not even long ago
Not visible by day
At night only by who knows

They used to keep their heads up high
They used to fight the war that challenged them
They used to sell the truth for a lie.

Telling themselves that it was something to manage
Telling themselves that this was temporary
Not ignoring, but trying to calm the damage.

Roots filled with water
Outside of the shadow in the sun
but poison stays poison
where battle turned in to just begun

sometimes it does not really matter
if an end is a start
or a start an end

it’s where the unknown and the known
where meaning and the emptiness
are meant to blend






Any time tomorrow, I will lie and say I’m fine.


Somehow I came across this sentence. It’s from a song (Shadowman by a band K’s Choice) and though I can not really say that I like the song, I like the sentence.

And I guess it is true. If people ask me how I am, I will say that I’m fine, or something like that. But I guess that is not the truth, and I lie. Even the fact that truth is so important to me, I betray myself, because I lie as well. Yeah. That is what it is. Truth- I lie , as well.

The Ugly Truth – are truths ever beautiful?