“I don’t understand why life is so difficult for you”

[That’s what someone said to me today]

And I don’t understand it either. All I know, it just is.



Distant sun.


There it is. The sun. It’s morning, I woke up an hour ago, had breakfast and made a persimmon smoothie. Almost a miracle, because I prefer to stay in bed and sleep.

The world is beautiful and ugly at the same time.

I want to go out and never go out at the same time.

I see the sun, it looks beautiful, but at the same time, it’s too distant, and I can’t get myself to enjoy it, or go out, and experience it.

Everything is full of contradictions.

I stare outside through the window. Slowly the world comes alive, even on a sunday. In the corner of my room, there’s my longboard. Unused, for quite a while. I still like it though. I don’t use it, because I’m not that good, and people here look. It’s not a reason,  yet it’s the perfect reason not do to it. Why is that so difficult, just to go out and ignore everything around and just enjoy?

Practice means getting better. Exercise means better in shape.

I’ve been gaining weight I think, since lately I haven’t moved much, though my wish was to exercise more, and have more move moments. I guess that failed.Something’s locking me up.

I should go out. I.



It’s the trash you can’t touch



It’s exactly this;

You find what you are looking for, and then you realize you can’t touch it.

You try to grasp it and understand, but no matter how hard you try

it’s always staying out of reach.

And even if you try and reach out and try again,

Some bars are there not to be broken

and you could try for the rest of your life –

and nothing would ever change.

A basic income


This is something that really drew my attention a while ago and since I read about it and related things, it doesn’t let me go: a basic income.

Maybe it drew my attention because myself I don’t have any form of income while I’m trying to find a way in life but somehow I don’t seem to fit in the main streams that work out for the most people. But even when I still had income, I saw those people without it. And I cared.

Some people have their opinions ready about me , or people without jobs. I learned a lot the last 10 years of my life, and one of those things is that sometimes unexpected things can happen that can turn your whole life upside down. It’s not always your own fault when you lose your job or are not able to work or find a job – there are so many possibilities that can cause these things and make it so difficult for a person to find, search or hold a job.

As well, I think everyone in this world has a right to exist and a right to have a certain standard of living; a place to feel good, where you can be yourself, the possibility to buy food and get healthcare if you need. Somewhere, I don’t understand why the world is why it is today, sometimes it makes me mad, sometimes sad, sometimes I just don’t understand it. I can not understand, why after all these years, decades, there is still such a strong seperation between people: why some have 4 houses, 8 cars, an airplane, while others are on the streets without a house and can’t buy food.

Everyone needs love, food, happiness. Everyone.

Why do we make some people more important than others? Why do we allow these huge differences? Why do we want to buy a shirt or jeans for the cheapest as possible, while we know that the person who made it, has a crappy life and bad working conditions? Why can these companies exist to push people to work 16 hours a day for a low salary that is not really enough to get by? Who are these people, that lead those companies, what do they think? And are they really that way that they want to misuse people like that because of their own profits? With such a huge difference? It makes me sick. And so I can write for hours, about related things, but in the end I end up feeling so miserable I want to crawl away from this world, what is in certain perspectives a really terrible place.

I read that, during the 1970s, there was an expirimental Canadian basic income project, called mincome, held in Manitoba. The purpose of this experiment was to determine whether a guaranteed, unconditional annual income caused disincentive to work for the recipients, and how great such a disincentive would be. A final report was never issued, but there are a few people who did analysis and researches about these kind of things.

Another article I read, is thise one: why we should give free money to everyone , which was very interesting to read. I also believe that, it’s not that people turn lazy when they have a guaranteed income, because in long term, I don’t think much people become happy of doing nothing.

Why are these things not reality yet? Why do we think some people have no right on a job or income or don’t deserve money? Why do we think it’s right to have these huge differences, while one has everything, and other ends up not having a chance to build something small up? Some differences are okay, one who works very hard can have more then someone who does not, it’s not that I think there shouldn’t be any differences. But the current differences are too far from each other. The contrasts are too big.

Aren’t we all living under the same sky?

Midnight run


Another sleepless night coming up. And so I found myself on my balcony again, on a warm evening, turning into a night, watching the sky, watching the stars, watching the world go dark. 2 am. Still no signs of sleep. And no signs of civilization. Somehow I felt strong.

Earlier I had a very short (digital) conversation with someone who touches something in me. I don’t know that person very well, but once, when we just met,  we had a deep conversation. I felt connection. I felt understood. This was a person who experienced similar troubles, difficulties, disconnection, and so on. That person was really open to me somehow. I don’t know why. But somehow, I feel a lot of respect for that person. I wish I could talk more, to that person. But this person, is far away and will probably never be close. It has something that makes me very sad, but also something that is beautiful as well – I should be grateful that I met that person right? that I had an opportunity to talk with that person. Something about it makes me feel really sad.  But for now, this (short) conversation made me feel good when I recalled it in my mind.

Anyway, even if I cycled earlier on the day for a few hours with these mountains that normally exhaust my legs, my legs felt strong this time. For a moment, I felt strong. And I took my running shoes, and went for a midnight run.