My love, has left again, and I’m sad.

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Just a few hours ago, we were together. I knew the day would come again that we would have to say bye again, and I dread these days. I don’t know exactly why I find it so hard to say bye, but the last year has been particular difficult with everytime I had to say goodbye. It ended in me, the person who never cries, crying.

I can’t hold the tears. I guess this means I love you and I want to be with you. You seem stronger. I know you are sad too, but at least you don’t cry. (In my head this is weak somehow – I can’t cry, but I do, lately).

In my head I count time: the last 24 hours together. And so on, and on. I don’t want to, but it happens.

The days we’ve been together go too fast. I want you to be close to me, I want to be close to you. And yet every minute now, the distance between us gets larger and larger. Another thought I can’t get out of my head.

I know we both have to sort out some things, and me, impossible in making choices- I know I will have to choose and make a move. I’m scared I guess. I don’t have a job, no income, running out of money, will I make it in your country? Will I be able to learn your language well enough? Will I be able to find a job in yours, or get at least benefits, when I fail in this in mine? So many questions, so less answers yet.

Somewhere, I’m cursing at myself why I stay behind and why I’m not on the bus with you. Somewhere, it might be good to arrange some things, that you arrange some things and we have time to search a place to live.

When will we see each other again?  I guess it’s also up to me. Me, the person who can’t make choices. The person who’s afraid to move. Who feels guilty, no matter what I choose.

For now, I’m just sad. Sad that I will sleep alone tonight, sad that you are not here anymore. Sad that I’m not with you. Tears are filling my eyes again. I’m so dissapointed in myself. I’m dissapointed in that I always feel so guilty, no matter what I do. I feel guilty, I can’t seem to make a decision, and do.

Some of your clothes are here. I still smell you. I hope this never goes away. There are some traces left of you, who I wish I could keep forever. I hope we will see each other soon again.

Why, why,  do I feel so awful when you’re away?

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Confessions and shame

Today, my day started not too great. I guess it has something to do with …. well, my inabilities with certain things, I guess. Okay. This is a bit hard. But I am going to write about something that I find hard, and that I feel ashamed for. But it is bothering me a bit and there is not really someone I can talk to about these kind of things. But I might remove it again, since I am really ashamed of it and it is really uncomfortable, so please forgive me if I do so.

It is the first time I am going to write about this openly (well, I don’t know if it really is but to me it feels that way). Not even my friends (or what is left from them) know this. Or at least, not how things are really like, maybe some of them (read: one) knows a bit of it very superficially.

There is something going on that is holding me back or blocking me from certain things. Like, I have never really be in a real relationship, I have never really fell in love,  I do not have a desire for sexual things,  I have trouble to involve in physical things with people and I don’t like when people touch me. Maybe a few people are allowed to touch me to a certain level, but it is not something I feel comfortable with. But its not something you can exclude from ‘general life’, because it can look impolite, maybe even rude.  I don’t even like when people want to kiss me on the cheeks for my birthday. I rather avoid my birthday , just to avoid all ‘those’ things.

I must say that I have been in a “relationship” (as far as you can call it that) involving physical things, but as I look back on it it was more ‘because everyone did that and it seemed normal to do” and since things already went different somehow I just did it too because I didn’t want to stand out too much or attract attention. So, yes, I have had sex as well. I can not say I really enjoyed it, remember from a lot of times that it was trouble to me – it just hurted and I had trouble with it. Now I didn’t have too much sex in my life – I am probably far below averages and such, and now it’s probably about 10 years since I last had sex with someone (just 1 person).  I don’t know why I have/had so much trouble with it, but I have trouble with it. I just don’t seem to have this drive. I don’t feel this attraction, not towards anyone or anything. I can easily live without it, I guess.

Today reminded me of that. Something that should be ‘normal’  turned out pretty sucky today. There was an  invitationletter on my desk for months now. A reminder followed. Another reminder followed. I thought, okay, I should get this done now someday. I can not really explain why it took so long that I made the appointment , but it almost took me a year. It was an invitation for a pap- test, the screening test for cervical cancer. It didn’t seem to be a big deal, and I heard and read ‘you don’t feel anything of it’ and it’s done very quickly. Well, okay, I can manage that I guess, I thought, and I think I went there pretty openminded, like okay, this just has to get done. So I went. But when it happened…my goodness…I don’t want to make anyone afraid, and probably many people do not have problems with it, but me? Sheesh. Just before the medical assistant asked me if I was nervous, I said it wasn’t really too bad since everyone I know who had it done is still alive, so nothing to worry right? And all I read was that it was no big deal and such. Well, when they had to get that “thing’ in, that was really, really, REALLY not nice and it took a while before it was like it should be. It hurted and was really an unpleasant feeling. It’s hard to describe exactly but I think it almost didn’t work out. It was already not something I was fancy of doing – I mean, who likes to undress and get examined with things like that … but yeah, if it goes like that…I felt ashamed of myself, that it just went so difficult and that it did hurt and I had so much trouble to undergo it.(And in general, I am not touchy at all – well at least, not on the outside..) . I hope it worked out (because sometimes those tests seem to fail and in that case you have to get it done again – what I REALLY don’t hope). So I walked out of there, feeling ashamed a bit and thought ‘what do those people think of me now’.

As if that wasn’t enough, I almost passed out when I was in the pharmacy to ask something. It was so stupid and made me even feel more ashamed. I went there to check out on some stuff I use for my eyes but they have had so much trouble to order it somehow, and they said they would call me about it but it has been a month or longer and they didn’t call. So I went to ask if they knew anything about it. While I was there, I suddenly had this breakout of a sweat, I felt like I was going to pass out and I couldnt focus properly and my ears felt so weird, like I wasn’t perceiving the noises and things as I should. I never had that so bad (was it a panic attack??). There were like 5 other people around and all I could say to the pharmacist was ‘I don’t feel so well, I might pass out”…. the pharmacist said to me like ‘take it easy, but your arms on the desk and i’ll get you a glass of water. That helped somehow, but I felt even more ashamed when that happened. I didn’t know how quickly to leave that place. Out in the fresh air, things went okay again. I sat for 10 minutes in the car thinking sh*t sh*t sh*t what was that all about, what just happened? And so much shame. Why? I don’t know. I really don’t know. It just wasn’t a good start of the day at all. It was terrible. I still feel very ashamed.