The words that kept stuck in my brain

From: The Domesticated Brain by Bruce Hood.

Feelings and emotions are two sides of the same coin. Emotions are short-lived, outward responses to an event that everyone around can read, like a sudden burst of anger or fit of laughing, but feelings are the internal lingering experiences that are not always for public consumption. We can have feelings without expressing them as emotions. They are part of our internal mental life. Without feelings, we would not be motivated to do the things we do. Feelings we get from others are some of the strongest motivation that we can have. Without feelings, there would be no point getting out of bed in the morning. Even pure logic needs feelings. When se solve a puzzle, it is not enough to know the answer. You have to feel good about it too. Why else would we bother?

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Another meaningless weekend

And so it continues.

It’s nothing new, so I shouldn’t be surprised, but it’s still stinging somewhere that it happens. Everything turns into this world of numbness again, of emptiness, a void. Maybe depression is slowly taking over again, I don’t know.

The days go by, but they don’t say anything to me. I just go to work, and let my free days pass by; nothing matters, there is no impulse or want to do or go anywhere, so what happens is that I stay inside, in my room, trying to pass the time somehow. I watched a few series, I usually do not watch series, but now I just watch them to distract my mind.

Work is going okay, it has been busy again and I had a review from my coach on my work. I expected to hear some points that I had to work on, but there were not really. My coach seemed satisfied and told me to keep continuing like this. The most important point that I have to work on is take care of my breaks.(I don’t take enough breaks). I’m aware of that – usually my break in the afternoon dissapears, because it’s usually so busy and so much to do that I just grab a drink and continue with my tasks.

At work, there was an e-mail going around that said to let know about your preferences with working hours and days to the manager. I’ve been staring at the email and could not decide anything. So I didn’t reply on it. It doesn’t make sense for me; my freetime doesn’t make sense neither. These are just empty days that dont say anything.
Yeah, I think it would be so much nicer to work one day less, but right now, what point would that have? I don’t do anything with these days, I don’t do anything with my days off; I don’t go anywhere. So I guess I just keep working.

No work sucked, I just sat at home doing nothing.

Work’s okay, and still sitting at home doing nothing.

What kind of creature am I? Why am I not doing anything with my time off?

WHere the heck are my wishes, dreams, wants?

My love, has left again, and I’m sad.

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Just a few hours ago, we were together. I knew the day would come again that we would have to say bye again, and I dread these days. I don’t know exactly why I find it so hard to say bye, but the last year has been particular difficult with everytime I had to say goodbye. It ended in me, the person who never cries, crying.

I can’t hold the tears. I guess this means I love you and I want to be with you. You seem stronger. I know you are sad too, but at least you don’t cry. (In my head this is weak somehow – I can’t cry, but I do, lately).

In my head I count time: the last 24 hours together. And so on, and on. I don’t want to, but it happens.

The days we’ve been together go too fast. I want you to be close to me, I want to be close to you. And yet every minute now, the distance between us gets larger and larger. Another thought I can’t get out of my head.

I know we both have to sort out some things, and me, impossible in making choices- I know I will have to choose and make a move. I’m scared I guess. I don’t have a job, no income, running out of money, will I make it in your country? Will I be able to learn your language well enough? Will I be able to find a job in yours, or get at least benefits, when I fail in this in mine? So many questions, so less answers yet.

Somewhere, I’m cursing at myself why I stay behind and why I’m not on the bus with you. Somewhere, it might be good to arrange some things, that you arrange some things and we have time to search a place to live.

When will we see each other again?  I guess it’s also up to me. Me, the person who can’t make choices. The person who’s afraid to move. Who feels guilty, no matter what I choose.

For now, I’m just sad. Sad that I will sleep alone tonight, sad that you are not here anymore. Sad that I’m not with you. Tears are filling my eyes again. I’m so dissapointed in myself. I’m dissapointed in that I always feel so guilty, no matter what I do. I feel guilty, I can’t seem to make a decision, and do.

Some of your clothes are here. I still smell you. I hope this never goes away. There are some traces left of you, who I wish I could keep forever. I hope we will see each other soon again.

Why, why,  do I feel so awful when you’re away?

The empty lands

Arise the sunrise,

where sand goes into snow

where flowers are nothing more than vague appearances

where only the forces of nature know;

their shadows are the shelter

and reality here is a story unknown

 

finding ways in this empty desert,

protect the cold, protect the heath,

resist against turning rounds in

the competitions of repeat.

 

A thousand times,

I crossed this sky

No thousand miles to run

because  I will always wonder why.

And why

Do I end up crying today and feeling miserable, and can not find the power and motivation, to fight against the things. and show that I can deal with life – because maybe I can not

and why do I end up,in these fights with myself, Am I impossible, I am impossible maybe.

and why, why going somewhere tonight where I don’t want to go, and there goes my  whole evening,just because,I do it for someone else,and because I don’t have enough guts to decide and because I am sometimes just stupid.

and this is just the price

i will have to pay