Sorrow without tears

a tree without its leaf-
a rose without its grief-
needless to say
it’s like the grass without the rain
it’s the night without the day

the glass without water,
the paper without  pencil

it’s as you stare at the clock
but no matter what, it isn’t moving

and still time goes by.

 

 

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How it goes more and more the way I don’t want it to be.

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My clothes don’t fit so nice anymore. Some clothes really don’t look good anymore. I know. I look at myself in the mirror. I have grown fat. I’m probably on one of my most ‘fattest’ periods I’ve been in my life. I know. While a while ago – well that while is actually something like a year- things seemed better. It was just temporary, I guess. I look again into the mirror.

I don’t even sigh anymore. I know. My shape is not so good.But I’m too tired to hate myself for it. I kind of don’t care, and at the same time I do. I don’t like myself this way.

I’m not taking so good care of myself. Work is taking a lot from me, and the rest of life what is around that too. It doesn’t help that I sit a lot at my job either.

But I’m the one who can make the change; and I don’t. I notice my body is stuck, but I don’t do anything about it. I was planning to extend my exercise and add more , but the opposite happened.

Probably I’m at health risks, or creating them, as far as I don’t have them yet. I don’t know, when do I wake up?

The body is one of the most important things. I want to look nice, feel well, be healthy. Why can’t I just act that way?

I know. I know this is not good, and this is not the way I want to be.

I can’t blame depression or life, because I know, and I should be able to change it.

But why, why am I just sitting here on my ass, realizing that I know, and not doing anything?

 

I need to make this life , work.

Reason. Purpose. Goals. Dreams. Wishes. Priorities. Motivation. Hope.

Last night, I came across this video : Every runner has a reason

A while ago, I came across these ‘motivational speech’ video(s) ( a few: video 1¬† video 2 video 3 ).¬† There are loads more to find, I just mention a few here, random chosen.

If you want something enough, if you try hard enough, if you work hard enough, you will make it (?)

If you never give up on your dreams, if you keep following your heart, if you work hard enough, you will make it (?)

If you push yourself, if you keep on going, if you keep motivated you will make it (?).

So many stories to find of people who were in a sh*tty situation. So many got out and bling bling boom (this; doesnt mean I think they don’t worked hard for it!) – they made it. There they stand. The examples.

What’s the purpose of all of this? There are people, who are never going to make it. There are people , who just can not. No matter how hard they try, how hard they work, things aren’t working with them. If I see these videos, I’m truly happy for these people who made it so far, who came out of these sad situations, and they found a way to move on.

But at the same time, these videos make me feel awful. Awful about myself, that I can’t make it, that I can’t work hard anymore, that I can’t find the motivation, that I , lost my energy and trust in myself and don’t know who I am, where I fit, how I can make life work.

I don’t know. I don’t see it anymore. I have maps, a compass, books. But I can’t see it. My vision has blurred, even if I can still see clearly.