Want-to-hide

I am scared, I guess. All I want to do is shut my phone off, crawl away in bed and not face anything.

I did not write for long. A lot happened. Too much to write out – I can’t seem to write anymore.

Anyway, I’m on sick leave. My contract ended. Somehow my sickleave was approved so I get money (kind of benefit, not much, but I get by). But I didn’t trust it. I searched and applied for jobs. I went for interview. Now I seem to get hired.

But I doubt so much. Is this job not too much too handle for me? Not too much pressure? Can my head handle this? I am already feeling stressed. They were not sure about hiring me, but they see potential so they decided to give me a chance. They doubted about my perfectionism, about the it takes time to get around peoplething, and I had to think about my clothes.

I am scared. What if I can not handle it? WHat if my head is not better? Appearantly , even if the last few weeks went well, I have so much trouble to hold on to normal life. I try, I’m too good to be sick but too not well to be good and go along with the flow. So I am scared. I think.

And:Yikes. Here is the moment I expected to happen. Clothes.

I usually just wear a jeans and a shirt, longsleeve or sweater. But very neutral. Thats how I feel the most comfy, and thats how I am I suppose.

Now I will have to change that.

I am so scared, that I tend to reject this job. But IF i let it go I dont know if I ever get in the job market again, and I avoided it instead of trying.

I just want to cry, to crawl under a blanket and not face anything. I just want to lie in my love’s arms , but she’s not there. She’s away for two months, doing some supercool adventure on her own. I am superproud of her. Really. This is what she wanted and I am glad she went, but I do miss her. She really keeps me a bit more sane, connected, stabilized to the world. Your world should not be one person, but she definitely makes my world so much more stable, nicer, easier to deal with everything in life.

(I feel like crying now that I can not deal with life and I feel like this, and at the same time I can curse myself for being such a wussy).

I can not be happy with the fact that I will have a job again in a while -i just feel my heart pounding and I feel a lack of air. I don’t have a lack of air, that’s just how it feels.

This is appearantly me.

Is this anxiety? Is this depression? Is this lack of self confidence? How do you deal with these kind of things. What can I try to make this a bit easier, or better? I am trying, but I don’t succeed so well.

I can always stop, if it doesn’t work. But that doesn’t make me feel relieved.

Argh. Argh. Argh.

 

 

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How it goes more and more the way I don’t want it to be.

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My clothes don’t fit so nice anymore. Some clothes really don’t look good anymore. I know. I look at myself in the mirror. I have grown fat. I’m probably on one of my most ‘fattest’ periods I’ve been in my life. I know. While a while ago – well that while is actually something like a year- things seemed better. It was just temporary, I guess. I look again into the mirror.

I don’t even sigh anymore. I know. My shape is not so good.But I’m too tired to hate myself for it. I kind of don’t care, and at the same time I do. I don’t like myself this way.

I’m not taking so good care of myself. Work is taking a lot from me, and the rest of life what is around that too. It doesn’t help that I sit a lot at my job either.

But I’m the one who can make the change; and I don’t. I notice my body is stuck, but I don’t do anything about it. I was planning to extend my exercise and add more , but the opposite happened.

Probably I’m at health risks, or creating them, as far as I don’t have them yet. I don’t know, when do I wake up?

The body is one of the most important things. I want to look nice, feel well, be healthy. Why can’t I just act that way?

I know. I know this is not good, and this is not the way I want to be.

I can’t blame depression or life, because I know, and I should be able to change it.

But why, why am I just sitting here on my ass, realizing that I know, and not doing anything?

 

Huge doubts, if I’m doing the right thing.

Hello who ever reads this; firstly thank you for reading this, and a happy new year. I truly hope this will be a good year for you.

Hello to my super doubting self too: CAN YOU FREAKING WAKE UP FOR ONCE PLEASE AND MAKE A DECISION?

*breathe in, breathe out*.

Well, there’s a lot to say but I will not type everything; I’m too tired, and too pissed of with myself. So it will be a supershort version.

My car isn’t going through the yearly check; the bottom rusts too much, so I have to say goodbye to the car. I didn’t plan this, but it’s worse then expected, so I had to find a new car rapidly,. I found one, spend more money then I was planning too, but at least I can go to work and drive safe.

One of my friends’s boyfriend works at a housing company. She called me that there will be a nice apartment available soon – a chance to live on my own.

A few weeks ago I was sure I had to move out.

Now it really came, I am filled with doubts. I can’t decide. I can’t do it somehow.

*What if my job ends soon?

*I want to be closer to my love, and does it make sense to take an apartment when I maybe will move abroad?

* I just bought a new car, and getting in an apartment will mean: less money, less savings, maybe less possibilities to travel

*Do I really see myself living in that place? Where I have nothing and no one?

I saw the advertisement, because they placed it online today. It really looks nice though.

It would be perfect for me.

WHY can’t I take this chance?
WHY can’t I make up my mind and DO something?
WHY is there something inside of me that blocks doing something like this?

I don’t understand myself. I feel bad, bad that I can’t decide, bad that I’m turning down something while my friend tries to help me.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t know what to do.