Trying to get used to my soon new ‘home’

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I’m sitting on the ground in my soon to become house. I stare outside out of one of my windows. Can I get used to this place? Will this feel like my own place? But I don’t know.

Others seem to be more excited and happy about it. I know this is not ‘the place’. I don’t have an outside, I live in the city.

In my heart, I know that this is not where I want to live ‘forever’. Yet I move here.

Because sometimes you have to step in between, if the jump is too big.

Well, I don’t know. It’s just weird. I don’t know why I find moving so weird. But going into a new place, dropping in just like that, is just weird to me.

 

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Pigeon Party

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Moving along, step by step by step

scanning areas, food, food, food.

They’re not afraid, one step closer, another one ahead.

You see, nothing is going to change in this world,

no matter how frightened you are, no matter how deep the threat goes.

You can join, if you want.

We are all ghosts

sometimes fog clears up between mountains,

sometimes rain falls down in deserts,

ghost towns seem abandoned but

sometimes there’s life in a corner

maybe it’s not exactly what you’re looking for.

others

will they find it?

will they grasp it?

will they sense it?

 

Where the orange trees standing in rows waiting

for a party to start but

there wasn’t any announcement

and there hasn’t been a dragonfly since ages

 

and the smoke between the air and your lips

wanders around the globe endlessly

aimlessly

and then there’s the point

where it all started

 

May be

I know I can not
find the answers I would like –
And maybe answers do not really exist
or constantly change

Maybe I ask the wrong questions,
maybe I expect too much of
something that is not there

Maybe things are not what they seem to be
Maybe it doesn’t really matter

There are so many maybe’s

I hope for a June-be(e).

Plastic Pizza

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A thunderstorm is passing by and

maybe the world is shaking outside

Rain is pouring down and streets have turned into

wild waters

but right now, I don’t care

Because here I am

on a lonely, sad evening

sitting on the couch

eating my third pizza of this week.

Depression controls my mind and body,

but hey, I don’t care, since

My precious plastic pizza

my delicious dinner

is making my world

for a second, okay.

Meh.

Going to keep it short. Had a weird week in Sarajevo, where I ended up in a hospital. 

I collapsed , got a cut in my eyebrow and one in my nose, a concussion and if that wasn’t enough, the days later I still didn’t feel well and ended up a few times in hospital again, finally at a cardiologist. Right now I’m taking medication for my heart and bloodpressure. Somehow those two things were extraordinary high, and it’s a mystery to me, because it has never been that way. I have no idea what is going on with me, But it’s a bit scary somehow. Trying to stay calm.

I got back at the more remote place where I live, where I wanted to go to the hospital for a check up but there is just once a week a cardiologist here. And somehow I missed him. Now I’m doubting if I should go back to Sarajevo for the checkup, since the hospital seems more well equipped there , but it’s not so close and it will take me a 4 hours bus ride to get there.

One thing for sure; there is a lot coming towards me, and I will have to find a way to deal with it.