The phonecall (and a busy day)

The last few days I’ve been feeling quite depressed. I still do not feel great, though there’s a bit space to breathe right now: I got the job!

This afternoon I had a missed phonecall (was in the car) and I saw the number and I knew who it was. This could mean two things: I was rejected or I would get hired. *panic*. After 20 minutes I decided to call back. The lady asked me how the interview went, so I told her that I felt really bad after it and that it didn’t was so great in my eyes. Then she said: Well, they thought different about that. *HUH?*.

Yeah, they want to give me a contract. Next week I will have to sign. I will start in the 2nd week of March and I will have a job untill the 2nd week of May. So it’s temporary, but it’s something right. I hope I can get some financial space again – I hope the training for this job goes well and I can do it, because even if I sign, there’s nothing sure of course and there is always this period of trial, or however you say that in English.

I’m not sure how I feel now. I’m afraid a bit I can’t do this job, I’m not smart enough, or things like that.

So. Other thing I went today is to a specialist for compression stockings for my ‘sick’ leg. I went to another person, because I didn’t like the previous one very much (she gave me wrong information and she would give me my measures of the last years at least 3 times but I never got them). This new lady was someone with a lot of experience in this field and she asked for the history, so I told her the story about my leg (Erisypelas, Thrombosis, and the pulmonary embolism after) and that I started wearing this thing very late, because no doctor told me about this, and I had to figure out myself about the need of a compression stocking and such, and that I had a lot of questions still. Parts of my leg swell if I don’t wear this thing and the color of my leg is different, also I have some minor issues with my toe. She explained to me that this is internal damage. But I never had a proper check in this, is beacuse of the healthcare system – the insurance system wants to put everything in systems and you get so much money and things for a ‘patient’, so this means limited things. Aand this confirmed my thoughts – you can not assume you get the care you need. They should have checked me properly in the beginning, but they didn’t even mention this to me, and the checks I had I mostly asked for myself. As well, in the beginning I really didn’t know what to do because I didn’t know anything about this. It’s sad that you get sick you can’t believe and trust the doctors opinions.

Well,  I will never get rid of this compression stocking – but I can live with that, it’s what I thought myself already somehow. It doesnt look sexy, but I do not dare to let it of, I am very scared that I get issues with it again and I really don’t want this. Luckily, I took the right decisions in the past to keep wearing these things, even if the doctor told me I could leave it off after two years. This lady, the specialist, told me it was very wise of me not to do so, that I didn’t listen to the doctor, because of these blue spots- she said that this is a sign of internal damage , and especially because  I had both ‘worse things’ – erysipelas and thrombosis, I probably have double damage – the vessels and the lymphatic system) and It might be bigger then we think. I will also keep the same compression pressure class, because its safer. This means; expensive, handmade stockings. I can only have 2 a year, not more (this is not enough- the power decreases, its the same if you have to do a whole year with only 2 pair of socks ). But the insurance doesnt allow – they dont care if you need it or not. The stupidest thing is that I actually end up paying myself because of the ‘own risk’ policy. And these things are not cheap at all. But since I will have a job now, it will be a little bit easier.

But the good news so far; I’m going to try a new brand, AND this brand I was able to choose a color! This wasn’t possible with the old ones, they are ugly brownish, I felt a bit old with these things, but okay, in summer it’s not so obvious and some people notice it very late that I have something on my leg, so far that’s good. But I get a black one too now! I’m superexited about this. The lady said they paint it, and that this paint actually keeps it more stiff for a longer time in comparison to the not painted one, whcih is good for the pressure. So I’m really exited about trying these new compression stocking out! It’s maybe stupid to be exited about, but somehow it makes me a little bit happier.

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Bad feeling.

So, this morning I had the final interview for a job. (Well, the only (real) one that actually responded on my application). So far things went okay, except for today.

Was there in time, prepared myself, but it didn’t go nice somehow. I left with a weird, nasty feeling.

The interview was with different persons then they informed me, and they asked questions and I tried to answer everything. Asked questions about the job. But there was something that did not go so well, though its hard to say what it exactly is. It’s more a feeling. It had to do with the atmosphere.

I also know that there will be some people now who will not make it. Today and tomorrow there are interviews and there are more people coming for an interview than there are jobs (they have a few temporary positions, all the same). Anyway, I left there with a very weird feeling. Now I’m also wondering if I can do this job, if I would like it, too. It looks less nice than before, my head spins a bit.. But the most present thing that occupies my mind: I have the feeling I will not make it. Untill now, everything went well, but this, ruined everything. I don’t know. It just didn’t feel good.

It still, doesn’t feel good.

Sad friday

Sometimes, I have days, nothing works out somehow and things make me feel extreme sad. I guess today, is a day like that.Somehow I feel very, very sad. So sad that my whole body doesn’t have energy to stand up straight, no energy to bother or to care.

I can’t say the day started wrong or anything, it wasn’t that bad. I slept okay, I still do not feel physically supergreat, but it didn’t get worse. I got up, showered, had breakfast, and went to the doc to pick up a reference for new compression stockings for my ‘sick leg’. I wanted to call to make an appointment at the place to get them, but the line was occupied everytime I tried and now they are closed so I didn’t succeed to do that.

Later that I planned, I started my ‘shopping round’ ; I had to do some grocery shopping, buy some random things (cable to fix a computer, things from different shops, and I wanted to look for different catfood since there seems to be a lot of junk in the random stuff you can get at common places, just like food you buy, it’s mostly added crap and it’s not too healthy it seems.) But the catfood was so expensive I couldn’t buy it – The cable for the computer I could not buy at the cheaper shop since they didn’t have any, and I ended up buying an ‘expensive’ cable at a computer store. This, made me feel bad. The shops didn’t have what I wanted, somehow all vegetables were sold out and what they had didn’t look good, it was crowded, and everything was expensive somehow and I started to feel so sad.

Sad, that the most of the foodproducts you can buy, is not so healthy and the people who want to produce them, add much crap to make as much as profit so they can have a lot of money, and you get bad food what is not good for your body.

Sad, becaues nothing worked out and things made me feel so uncomfortable.

Sad, because monday I have ‘the final” interview for a job, and I thought since it has been a while, it might be good to get a haircut.at the hairdresser, I did get a haircut, but it is not so cheap neither, and the hairdresser started asking me questions like if I had a job and if I was on benefits and these things, I probably gave weird answers (no, no job, and no, no benefits, and try to explain this – ugh) and it made me feel more sad.

At a certain point, I decided to stop. I felt so sad, I wanted to sit in the car on the parking lot and cry. But I’m so empty, that there are no tears.

Zombie. I am a zombie.

I drove home. Without buying bread. Without vegetables. Without proper food. Without some other things. With less money, I guess I spend quite a lot (it feels like a lot, for working people with a common salary this is normal or nothing I guess).

And now I feel supersad. Sad, because I spent all this money and nothings comes in.

Sad, because I’m such a loser that I can’t pick up a life and can’t hold on to the fight of making something of life.

Sad, that all these things make me sad and I can’t fight it.

I want to crawl away from the world and not be anymore.
I am invisible. Im someone in trouble and its not valid to the world. I have to make my own way and survive myself. I can’t, Im out of power.

Sometimes, I do not want to be.
I dont want to be here.
I dont want to be part of this world.
I just dont want to feel like this anymore.

I dont want this situation like this anymore.

And I feel like no one helps me, and that I have to deal and fight with everything alone. I guess that’s not true, but its how it feels today.

Crossing lines – to be someone you’re not

crossinglines

Last week, I didn’t do any job applications. Simply because there wasn’t anything that ‘suited’ (I am not a technical schooled person, I don’t have 5 or 10 years experience, I didn’t have the asked for diplomas and certificates, etc). I only went to a fair for working and living abroad, and spoke shortly with two people, but nothing concrete. And I came back sick, and ended up spending a few days in bed mostly sleeping.

I managed so far to go on walks three times a week, this week my score is still on one, but I plan to go this afternoon for a walk too. I’m still working on clearing out my stuff, I selected some books from University which are probably of no use anymore, so I will try to sell them. I threw away a lot of paperwork (information – it’s ‘hard’ to throw information away somehow).

I still need to do some things, like change my mobile phone plan which actually expired a couple of years ago, but I never changed it because the new plans where not interesting at all. But now, it can become cheaper I think, but it’s somehow a hell to sort out. As well, I have to get a reference thing from the doctor to be able to get a new compression stocking for my leg. (Btw, which I still end up paying myself, thanks to the own risk policy from the health insurance – it’s really awesome, I pay for everything myself in the end, so why having insurance? Because it’s obligatory, stupid system!). This is what pisses me off sometimes too. For example, if I would smoke and quit smoking, I would have a lot of reimbursements for treatments and such, and for what I have now, something I didn’t choose to have, and I can’t control at all I end up paying everything myself because everything is out of the insurance (it’s a not too common thing, maybe that’s why.)

I guess I sound a lot pissed of and angry ‘at the world’ lately. I guess I am a bit, because somehow a lot of things are not fair or equal in my eyes. Sometimes it bothers me I guess.

But yeah, what can I do? Moaning about it doesn’t help. So I guess I just have to move on and take it for what it is. And I’m trying, I just don’t always succeed.  By now, I heard when I have the final interview for the (temporary) job I applied for a couple of weeks ago. It’s next week. I’m a bit anxious I guess – what should I wear? Can I find the place? Would I say the right things? Would I make a good impression? Am I capable of doing this?

Of course, I will have to pretend. That I’m good for this job, that I’m awesome, that I can do this, piece of cake! (But that, is the contrast of the real me). I’m way more careful. Maybe I can, if there’s one thing I’ve learned is that you’re almost never sure. And so far, with this job, I guess I sounded pretty confident. I crossed a line. A line that is not me. It feels uncomfortable. I just want to do work because I’m good in it and I like it, and not because I pretend like someone I’m not.

conflicting feelings.

Is that the point? To be someone you’re not?

 

Hi hope, bye hope?

So, today was supposed to be a better day than yesterday – or at least, I planned to make it a better day. I’ve set my alarm on 8.30 (but I snoozed and got up at 9.00), went to eat some breakfast and drank a cup of tea, scanned a newspaper, and went to shower and washed my hair (didn’t wash my hair for a week, yikes, I know).

Last week I made a new “plan” and I want to try to stick with it. I try to go on a walk at least two times a week (three days a week I’m home alone part of the day, which gives me the space and peace of mind to do things in MY way). Yesterday failed, so it was important I would go today.

First I went to the postoffice and did the laundry and made some lunch (because one of my parents comes home for lunch). After lunch I finally had a few hours somehow for myself, so I went out for a walk. I wanted to go to the little forest first, but the path was crowded and I somehow didn’t feel like bumping in people, so I walked somewhere else. It was ‘just a ” 30 minutes walk, but it was a walk, right?

So, I came home and saw a vacancy. This is actually another part of “the plan” – find a job and save money. With the person I love, we made some kind of plan that contained for me: find a job , apply at least 3 times a week (last week, I didn’t make it though 😦 ). When I don’t find a job before 1st of March, I will go abroad. Or on a travel to Georgia, Azerbaijan, Armenia OR I will go to France and be nearby her.

Okay, so I saw a vacancy. One I seemed to fit the requirements, and one that seemed cool. Okay, let’s do this and apply! I felt some hope sparkle in me. I started writing, even with still these 10000 attacks of my own brain: you can’t do this, others are much better than you are, and blablablablabla. But I kept going. And then , this happened: after just such a short time! This job, was online recently (one possibility; apply online- no other options for this job) and after such a short time, while I was still working on my letter, this message appeared in my screen: Due to a lot of applications, we closed this vacancy.

WHAT? NOW ALREADY?
Seriously, how quickly do people write a letter? In an hour? No way! No way I can write a good letter in an hour, this requires time!

And there I sat. Dissapointed. these attacks in my head – you see, you’re not fast enough, no one wants a slow person like you, am I doomed, and so much more, the ‘blablablablabla’.

Great. This was supposed to be no. 1 of this week.

Supposed.

To be.

 

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Ice-fossil. I came across this on my walk. An Ice-fossil, is how I called it. Am I an ice-fossil? something that once have been useful, but now lost it’s glory and function?

 

 

Dissapointments. (I.guess.)

Today seems to be a bit of a dissapointing day. I’ve been trying to start working on changes in my life again. I need something to do, instead of sitting in a room in a house that is not mine, where I have to adjust all the time , and where I’m slowly spending my savings because I have no income.This would be a better year for me, I kind of promised myself; better than the last few years who haven’t been too nice.

Today I started searching for jobs again. I woke up, with a neutral feeling, like  “yeah, today I can try, today I will try’ without any signs of depression. But now the day is ending, I sit here, feeling anxious, stressed, and maybe a bit down.

The jobs I found are definitely not ‘me’ – the requirements, I never fit into them ( they ask for too many things I do not have – papers and such), they asp specific for students (i’m not), they mention an age limit (someone betwee 16 and 21 – I’m not) and so on and on.

I came across another volunteer program, but they have an age limit of 27. Sheesh, Is really life over when you’re 30 or older? Or is it that you supposed to have life in order that you dont need these things anymore. Of course not, yet, that’s how it looks.

Again, this stream of thoughts in my head breaks loose.You’re diploma is useless. You’re useless, no one sees any value in you, you see, you fit in nowhere, there is no place where you fit. And so on. I don’t know, these things are particularly difficult somehow.

Be accepted. Have a chance. Yet, this seems to be very difficult.

Thoughts are spinning around my head about this. About death. This has been in my head lately, that I’m superafraid to lose people around me. I don’t know why this is so strong now, I can feel worried sometimes about losing people around me and there is not a particular reason for. My friend’s death last October maybe. I don’t know.And yet I feel that I don’t have a right to use this as a reason, since we were not superclose friends or something. Meh, this is weird.

I feel pressure on me. Physically, my body is also stuck. Very tensed. I notice this, so this is a warning sign. I notice it also when I practise Jiu Jitsu, which didn’t go so well lately, and where even my mood seemed to sink and I think of quitting.

I try to do some things today that will be okay. Try to do some small things that make me feel like I did something today. But it’s just so hard sometimes. And then there comes a tomorrow. What to do with it? What to do. With. it.

 

Truth , was different.

Once, when I used to be someone. Or looked like someone.

Long ago. Maybe it’s not so long ago, but it seems like ages. Long ago, I used to be functional. Work used to need me, at least, or maybe, I thought.

Long ago, I used to work very hard, more jobs, save money. Be independent, be able to help other people out sometimes. Felt a part of society. Or was it all a dream?

Long ago, people told that, if you would study hard and do your best at school, there was a future. Teachers would tell you that you could do anything you like. Truth was different.

( I was turned down for a study because I was not ‘at the wished physical level – what’s the point of learning and progressing and a chance to develop something when you don’t have a similar background – you can’t do everything you want, there are studies who require experience, even if they seem open. If you’re not on their level, you don’t get a chance, bye bye. What, people can LEARN right? But no, they don’t want to take the time to learn, they require something and if you’re not on that level, even if you are good in other things, bye bye bye. What’s the point of educating people in the exactly same things on the exact same level?)

Long ago, the world seemed to be open, and going to University was important, they said. Working for a couple of years, working crazy shifts, 3 jobs at the same time, less sleep, I saved money, to go to University. With struggles, I finished University. No, I didn’t had this stereotype students life. I didn’t go out, I didn’t party, life was rough, it was work, sleep, study and run. Then I got sick. Boom. Troubles. Delay. Things never got the same again.

Once, there seemed to be a future. My degree, seemed to have a future. There seemed to be work. And now, I just passed 30, and I feel, I’m at the end of my life here. I’m of no use in the world of the working. I don’t fit in to profiles, no matter what I try and no matter what I do. I don’t get a chance to start. Maybe, I’m not so good in profiling myself, but is that a reason to get constant refuses? Yeah, there is less work, there are more unemployed people. But why is everyone around me at work at least? I don’t know anyone being in a situation like this. Everyone gets an interview or an opportunity from time to time. What do I do wrong? Why are the rules so difficult and procedures so weird I don’t even get benefits? It’s just not fair. It’s not. What is the point of being on this world? If there doesn’t seem to be a function for you when you can earn your own money and be a bit independent?

I’m in a prison, while I’m not behind bars. My life seems beautiful to some people; I’m free, there is no boss yelling at me, no one paying me, and I still have food and a bed. Truth is different. Those things will run out. And then? I will turn in to someone, who people don’t look at anymore. Or look down on? Turn in to someone who everyone can blame: for everything I did wrong why I ended up like that.

Bad dream. Bad dream.

Or is it a bad dream coming true?