If I could only find

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Sometimes the world is too tiring,
too exhausting, and asking too much from me,
and I can’t find a way out

And all that happens
That you question yourself more,
Blame yourself more, about not being able to

And no matter what you try
There is no solution, because things keep going to fast
And everyone is asking too much, but that seems how it should be.

Society, I don’t understand you anymore
Life, I can’t grasp you anymore
But yet I’m the one to blame
Because I can’t keep up

So if you could only tell me
Where I could go
Where I could just be
Maybe that’s the time that I could

find me.

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The drive

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Bang. I closed the door a bit too loud. The car shook for a few seconds. Am I really ready? I asked myself. But since I was the only person to answer, there was no reply unless I would talk to myself.

Closing doors, turn on the engine and move. I imagined it was almost like I was in a space capsule. Sometimes I dreamed about space; to be able to fly away far from the earth, through the troposphere to the stratosphere, where I would be able to meet this weird point between the pitch black surroundings and the view to the earth – somehow it was in my mind that here is the border. And then to the mesosphere to somewhere in the thermosphere; that is where space would be for me, where it would be all black and far enough. There is somewhere this sphere called exosphere, but I didn’t really understand what this was so I tried to remove this from my memories; too much unknown. All I wanted, was to experience the travelling through these spheres, and have all the views most people would never have. I can’t exactly explain why I sometimes wish that, maybe it’s because I need to see things in broader perspectives to be able to understand. Maybe, I think I can understand life if I can see it from above.

But chances are big, I will have to live with this unanswered question for the rest of my life.

 

 

Free, but trapped.

(Or should I say trapped, but free?)

Yesterday, I had a short conversation about this with someone. It’s something that I find very difficult and maybe what I’m going to write now isn’t making any sense at all. There’s one sentence that struck me in particular:

“you know, you keep saying you’re stuck, and I know that’s how you feel. But somehow you are more free than anyone I know”

I seem to be free. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a house, I don’t have a family, I have nothing much that ‘restricts’ me in a certain way: if I don’t get up, things will not fall apart, I will not be missed very badly, nor will much people even notice.

So, I seem to be free. I seem to be free, but I can’t seem to use it, I can’t seem to feel it, I can’t seem to see it. I don’t.

Because a lot of days, are full of emptiness. Are full of uselessness, of the lack of purpose. There is nothing much that keeps me going really, there is nothing that waits for me, nothing that needs me. The world is a place where there isn’t just space for everyone; literally maybe yes, but not in the world of jobs, income, and with this, the right to live, because this is how i see it – to not have these things, with the current system of how the world works, affect this – the right to live , because the way I see it it’s that it’s so difficult and hard to live in these circumstances, that I don’t want to call that a life.

And yet this whole thing is something you can see in many perspectives. A lot of people do not think my life is so bad – “but at least you don’t have a family” , “at least you have a bed to sleep in” or “at least you have food”.

So if you are alone, (which is already more difficult, because you have less support and everything is more expensive and you have nothing to fall back on, because you will have to fix everything yourself), it’s not so bad? So if you have a family, to care for, that’s worse than rot away when you’re alone? THis is really making me angry sometimes, and I want to scream: BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE EACH OTHER. But I don’t. I keep silent.

At least you have a bed to sleep in – what the fuck does this bed change when you feel so down and there is no purpose? Want to have my bed? fine, take it, I’ll sleep on the floor, whatever.

At least you have food? Fuck this food, it keeps my physically alive, but then the rest? And all this food is full of added crap, chemicals, whatever. You want to have the food? Fine, take it.

*now-back-to-less-angry-mode*

There are these moments, like now, how I realize how messed up (my) life is. How stuck I am and can;t get out. How I do not see possibilities anymore, ways to try.

Why should anyone give me a job? Why should anyone see something in me?

What future do I have to look forward to? Why would anyone help me out?

Am I to blame? Do I try to less? I had years of therapy, I saw different psychologists, I tried medication, I tried to finish a study, I did, I always worked, but after I graduated things fell apart. Can someone please tell me why I keep failing, what I do wrong, what is wrong with me? Because I don’t understand it anymore.

I seem to have a lot of possibilities, of choices, of so called ‘freedom’.

Yet, I feel a lot of pressure and judging minds about my situation. Every step is a marathon. Trying to find a job? There’s so much pressure and stuff to ‘explain’. Benefits? They are going to control my life and I will die even more inside.

Something has to be wrong with me, because I dont even have benefits. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t work for so long now.Something has to be wrong with me, because I can’t live on my own and I live in family’s house. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t get life nor do I understand the system. Something has to be wrong, because I can’t live like this.

Freedom. I can’t do whatever whenever I want.

So called freedom.