The antidote

IMG_9240Once and maybe not even long ago
Not visible by day
At night only by who knows

They used to keep their heads up high
They used to fight the war that challenged them
They used to sell the truth for a lie.

Telling themselves that it was something to manage
Telling themselves that this was temporary
Not ignoring, but trying to calm the damage.

Roots filled with water
Outside of the shadow in the sun
but poison stays poison
where battle turned in to just begun

sometimes it does not really matter
if an end is a start
or a start an end

it’s where the unknown and the known
where meaning and the emptiness
are meant to blend






I forgot how it was


Shifting sands, there I was, on the beach.
Standing alone, straight up in the wind.
The big endless sea, threatening these waves in my direction
But I won’t
step aside.

As the sun used to rise
And as the moon used to be around here
As the dark is becoming day
And the light dissapear

It’s the perfect place to be
I just forgot how
it feels.


Silent sun


Outside, there is life. Outside, there is sun. The brightness and happiness, and where life happens.

Inside, there is me. Inside, there is darkness. A world of apathy, numbness and no energy.

A world where a smile hurts. A world where nothing seems to matter.

I pretend I see the sun, and just remain silent.

Distant sun.


There it is. The sun. It’s morning, I woke up an hour ago, had breakfast and made a persimmon smoothie. Almost a miracle, because I prefer to stay in bed and sleep.

The world is beautiful and ugly at the same time.

I want to go out and never go out at the same time.

I see the sun, it looks beautiful, but at the same time, it’s too distant, and I can’t get myself to enjoy it, or go out, and experience it.

Everything is full of contradictions.

I stare outside through the window. Slowly the world comes alive, even on a sunday. In the corner of my room, there’s my longboard. Unused, for quite a while. I still like it though. I don’t use it, because I’m not that good, and people here look. It’s not a reason,  yet it’s the perfect reason not do to it. Why is that so difficult, just to go out and ignore everything around and just enjoy?

Practice means getting better. Exercise means better in shape.

I’ve been gaining weight I think, since lately I haven’t moved much, though my wish was to exercise more, and have more move moments. I guess that failed.Something’s locking me up.

I should go out. I.



Diamond skies

While driving on the freeway, I dreamed away – still noticing and watching the traffic of course, but  sometimes, when I drive, I feel completely free and happy. Moving in this weird world, but moving, and no one can stop me. No one will question me, since I am moving. The sounds, the temperature, the views, it all can be so peaceful, in some ways.

While driving on an almost empty expressway, listening to music, looking at the trees that surround the road.  Suddenly I noticed how beautiful the sky was – the sun, surrounded by all these clouds, with such beautiful light – the sun had a private sky, blinking in this cloud field.

This was an image, I wish I could have captured. But it’s captured in my head. Probably I will forget exactly how it felt, how it looked, like with most of the things – even if you want to remember them so real and badly, they fade away with time.

I took an exit, and smiled. Pleasant images in my head. It couldn’t have been more perfect. I thanked the sun, and smiled again, just for you.

The sun in my heart

Deep inside with doors that sometimes open

there is somewhere, sometimes, beauty and happiness, even inside of me.

But when I step through these doors and enter

this lonely grey world again, where everything is flat and

nothing really matters and where competition and status are

the eye of the world, there is nothing left for me to do than

hide away myself, hide away my feelings, hide away my dreams.

Sometimes a storm is too strong, even in the quiet moments,

there are limited steps you can make.


Tears from happiness


When I look at the pictures, of us, all I can do, is smile. I guess the sun, reached my heart (finally).

Sometimes it is still a bit unreal. I remember a moment, while you were sitting next to me, and it almost seemed unreal to me. But you were there. I touched you. You were there.

And you are here, even if we’re not physically close, you are there. I know.

For a long time, I lived in despair, in numbness, in an abandoned place, in a place where hope was not part of the dictionary. Sometimes it’s still unreal: is it real? Am I not faking myself?

But I have tears. Tears of happiness, because I love you so much, you can’t imagine. Tears because it hurts me that there are such beautiful things out there, in this world, things I haven’t felt or seen for a long time. Things that touched my heart. You, you touched my heart.

I have tears, because I didn’t feel something so beautiful, for a long time. I forgot this. I didn’t see this. I didnt feel this. Maybe it was never there. I don’t know, I can not remember I ever felt these things. And now, it’s just here.

It is just here.

And I can fight the darkness. I can fight my darkness.



My world is somewhere else

Once, long ago,

there were little sometimes, when I used to dream

Lying down on my back in the grass

Seeing clouds dance in the sky

A pleasant sun in the corner

The wind gently blowing

but it was all

so short-


If I would lie down in the grass

There is no more lying down on the back

And no more staring at the sky –

The grass is full of warning signs

clouds are threatening with rain

the sun requires protection

and being on the lookout is main


This is not my place,

not anymore

I have to find another one

One where dreams are allowed and

just being yourself

and being happy

can be done.