Sometimes there is no fix

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All you see is a drowned leaf in the water; it’s shallow, and clear, but there’s no way you could – or could have-  rescued.

There is no fix, for certain things.

Right now, I’m not having the best time of my life. I always have these periods, and I will always have them. I don’t believe they will ever dissapear. Because the not sleeping aka insomnia continued, and I really felt like I would break down, I went to the doctor. I have a new one, since I moved, and he’s a bit weird in some ways I guess, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with him. He prescribed me some sleeping pills – which is actually what I came for. Last night was the first night I slept again, not enough, but at least I slept.

I remember a part of the conversation. Of course he asked why I couldn’t sleep.

Stress. Stuff. Life. Work. All the usual things, I guess. And, life is just difficult for me. I find life difficult, and it might probably always stay that way.

What he could do for me? I said that I knew he can’t fix my problems. That I know no one can fix my problems, and that some things can’t be fixed. All I wanted was sleep, and so I needed medication now, and he is the key to that.

Because usually I can manage to fix – or control – things in my life.

But sometimes I can’t. And this was now.

I’m not feeling better, I’m feeling low. Just low, not even depressed. But all that I know is that some things, can not be fixed. Not now, not in the past, not in the future.

 

Feeling guilty

I had to call in sick again, because I don’t feel well. I guess I went back to work too quickly, going immediatly back when I started to feel better, but not well yet.

I’m not sick sick, like in superbad sick, but I’m not well enough either to work. After a few hours I get a nasty headache and I don’t feel good, with the result of nothing coming out of me anymore. Somehow I need to sleep or rest after a few hours.

I can’t really help it, but  I feel guilty when I call in sick. I know it doesn’t make sense, because everyone (or most) are sick from time to time. But still, this feeling I can’t get rid of. It also doesnt help that these employer services call you with questions like ‘when do you expect to get to work again’ and immediatly bombing you with the procedures.

Seriously, sometimes people are just sick, they dont know when it’s going to be better and what is exactly is, but can you just be sick without being bombed by these procedures? What is that good for? It makes me feel more pushed, almost stressed and not allowed to be sick. Why the heck have we invented this, and why ?

If I think about it, and look around me, all that seems to matter is money and efficiency. That just makes my head spin. Where is life, the wellbeing, the person, the helping each other and have a nice life and basic things you need that everyone should have?

Instead, the world doesn’t work like that. And I don’t get it. Why? Why did it become this way? I can’t stand the idea of people working in poor circumstances, never being able to just live a bit comfortable and send their kids to school just because some multinational wants to make the most profit by buying their stuff cheap and a lot of people only seem to care about the price of something, expressed in the money they pay for it.

The pressure that some work places put on their people. The people who earn tons and have three houses. What the heck? The time employees get to sew a skirt, or to handle a phonecall, or to bake a bread. Seriously? Timed from second to second. Limited time for personal care (hey, if you have to pee, you have to pee right?). Gosh. The more I think about it, the more sick I get. What the heck is this world?

And the worst thing is that I’m being part of it too. I have cheap things too, or clothes or other products that are made by people in bad circumstances. I try to take care of this and buy fair trade or ecological stuff and such, but is that really what it says? And not everything I have is like that. So I’m guilty as hell too.

On top of that, I feel the pressure of social media, smartphones and stuff, being available all the time, and people expect you to reply in a minute. Seriously, where does this go? I manage so far without a smartphone and without too much social media, but still, I feel this kind of pressure. And the pressure of paying bills, that I don’t know why, but when I had a lower salary seemed to be really less. Now I earn more than the minimum wage, bills seem to find my way, taxes for this, taxes for that, I don’t know where they all come from, but all these insurances and taxes and all other kind of things you’re obligued to pay……..

 

breathe. Just breathe. That is all I should do now.

Silent noise

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Probably, I look like a ‘normal person’. Probably, there’s nothing to see.

But inside my head, things are exploding: too much stress, too much going on, and I can’t handle it.

It feels like I have no support at all, and I’m on my own.

I can’t fall back on anyone. I have to deal with it myself, whatever it is.

I want that everything leaves me alone. There is too much to deal with.

Too much.

Everything feels like fighting a new war. And one war hasn’t ended, and there’s the next one.

I am tired. I don’t feel good. I don’t know what to do, or where to rest.

I can not get rest. I can not find it.

I guess things are shitty anyway, and there is always a temporary relief.

But it comes back, sooner or later. And there I go again.

Into the depths and traps of the low world, of the dark, painfull world that no one can see.

That no one can see, except me.

Work, no work, hiring, firing….what?

Work has been chaotic the last few weeks. I don’t know what to think about it.

A few people left and a few leave soon, because their contracts end it’s time for them now to get a steady contract, thanks to the awesome government and laws, but of course that is not going to happen, so they have to leave). Bye experience. Bye knowledge. (It’s not only sad for them; me and my colleagues have no one to ask things if we don’t know).This is also not good for our clients. But yeah, who seems to care ?

I learned that they just hired 15 people for the next 2 or 3 months. There was also an e-mail last week, saying that there was less money and they will have to fire people because of they have to work more efficient and there is less money.

Sorry, what? What the heck is this, they just hire people , there are people leaving and they are talking about firing people? Why do they hire people then? What do I have to think about this? What do they expect from me? What do they want from me?

Working less than fulltime was almost impossible, OR you had to had a very good reason (like having a child or something – which I don’t have). But what’s the point about working fulltime or only wanting people to come fulltime if the budget is cut and things have to become more efficient and firing people? Is it so difficult to give people less hours? Would that not be better and taking care a bit of the budget? I wouldn’t mind working 4 days a week………I wouldn’t even mind to have an unpaid leave for 2 months, to go traveling. If I know I can continue with the job after, I really would cooperate. But why aren’t they looking at things like that? Why do things always have to be so rigorous?

More and more things are to be measured in time, efficiency, more and more rules which make doing your work more difficult.

It’s annoying me a lot, it really frustrates me, I feel like I can’t do my job well, I feel incompetent. I feel pressure, and I don’t know what they want from me.

Maybe it’s time to search for another job (which won’t be easy, and probably not much better circumstances neither). That makes me a bit sad; I like(d?) my job, I like my colleagues, I like(d) the subjects, the atmosphere.

 

But maybe I just liked it, and I don’t like my “new” kind of job…

 

The fight against the pressure at work

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The sun shines, the leaves fly around. Outside, things are beautiful.

Inside, during the week, it’s grey, and there’s a lot of pressure. Pressure that puts me in a prison. I can’t step right, I can’t step left.

Still, I like my work, but there is a part of my job that I really, really dislike and that doesn’t give me the space that I need to do my job well. It wasn’t so bad in the beginning when I started, but it seems to get worse and worse. Last week, I was about to explode. ( I didn’t – instead I stepped to my coach and vented there). But it’s not nice for the upcoming future. More colleagues will leave (contracts end or they stop the job because of several reasons).

In the beginning at this job,they said it’s better to give a good answer, than a fast answer. The focus was on quality, not on quantity. Perfect for me – that’s how I am. I’m not the fastest and I don’t handle the most information requests for sure, but I do my research. I want to give a decent answer.

This seems to change lately – time seems more and more important, rather than giving right answers or help well. I’ve been fighting this before, but sometimes I don’t get the time I need to finish my work. At my job, we are scheduled what we do at each hour. Officially there are rules, if you need time for something, you ask. But I ask and ask and ask, and simply never actually get this time. So what happens? My work stagnates, people have to wait for answers for long time, sometimes they call back, but I just don’t have the space to finish those tasks, because I simply do not get time. The current things, they seem more important than work that’s already there. Yeah, that means people have to wait sometimes before they can speak to me, but the other tasks need to be done too. I can’t postpone them forever.

And so more. Sometimes I need specialists for answers, because the trainings I got are very broad, and minimalistic. In reality that means I have to ask the specialist a lot and rely and I’m dependent on the specialist. That usually takes time too. But for one of the things, often I do not get right anwers, or not answers on my questions, so i have to send it back and wait again. Sometimes I have to put it back for more than 2 times. Not practical.

All of this makes me feel very incompetent with my job. People expect answers from me, but I’m dependent on so much others. I don’t get the time to find the answers or handle the requests. But I have the time to take in new. It’s not correct.

It’s growing more than I can handle. I feel this huge pressure on me, but I don’t get the space to fix things. They don’t give me time- I’m stuck.

I can’t work like this. I can not do my job well if I don’t get the space and time to finish things.

And I can’t just follow the orders. If I do that as strictly as the schedule and my tasks, things don’t go right. People don’t get their information, answers, and they will be informed wrong, or not at all. I can’t work like that. I can’t look in the mirror then and think I do my job well and I do something good for society – because it’s not that way.

I don’t know what I want to reach with this post. I’m sad that my job seems to turn out this way. I hope it will change, but I don’t expect too much. I just have to find a way to make it work and not feel so stressed and incompetent anymore. Otherwise, I will have to choose for myself and leave. I can’t work like that. I am not like that. I can’t stand behind myself if I have to work like that.

numb and meaningless

This week is dissapointing. At work things escalated a bit – everything was too much, I could not handle it anymore, and my head said error.

There was just too much work, and too less time and too less space. I got an extra task here, an extra task there, absent colleagues’ work appeared in my to do box, and so on. It just added and added, and the planners didn’t give me time to do it. I asked several times for some time, but all I got was no – it’s too busy. So I had my own work, work of a few othes, an emergency task in between, and some unexpected visits but no extra time. I couldn’t find time to update myself with the newest information, and so on and on.

Monday things became too much – it was just the first working day of this week, but it went wrong. I started with work from last week, but too much things met. I lost things for a while and couldn’t manage to decide what to do first or what to do and what not; my head said error. Too much work, too less time. I felt bad. That I couldn’t manage to get out of this myself; I know this is a trap. My head spinned and spinned, I saw the work but I was blocked.

I asked help. I went to someone who I don’t go so often, but there was not anyone else to go to and ask for help. But this person reacted cool and much nicer than I expected.

One of the coaches came by, my coach wasn’t present, and we had a talk about all of this. I’m not sure if it made me feel better, but at least he talked to the planners that they can not always say no to me because there is ‘no time’. If I get extra work, they have to give me some time too. Now I just have to keep asking and they have to give me some time. I’m not sure what to think about it, or why it would make a big difference, but I guess I will try.

Some other tasks I kind of dropped completely. I asked at least 10 times to get some time, they didn’t give it to me and they do not plan me anymore for that work, so I put everything in the box for others to pick up – I could not manage to talk to anyone to do that anymore. Fuck it, you dont give me the possibility, I put it back.

I didn’t feel better. I still do not feel better. I go to work, but I don’t feel like I’m doing good work. I do the minimum; I do not care or make work of the work I see. I just do what I’m planned for – I feel like a robot. This is not human. I’m also sad, somehow.

Since the beginning of the week, I can’t get out of bed anymore in the mornings. I sleep bad. I wake up and feel terrible. I go to work, feeling awful, and come back, and do nothing but sit.

Work is not so nice anymore now. I am not so nice anymore now.

And everything feels empty, numb and meaningless again.

Short circuit

STUCK.

That’s the main word of today.

I’m stuck. I’m trapped. Can’t get out. The situation got more and more miserable if I think rationally. It takes too long. No peace, no space. No future.

Every day, I’m one day more jobless. One day more a failure.

The pressure to go away gets bigger and bigger. I need to get out of here, I need to get out of this house. How? With no income. How, with no future plans ahead? How, when you’re lost, can’t make it on your own, HOW, for sake?
But pressure means stress means weird things happening to me. I sense it in physical things too.

I miss abroad. I miss my free space. I miss the peace in my mind.

I miss my love. I miss feeling good. I miss having dreams.
I miss having a goal, something to fight for. What’s there to fight for?

(It seems there’s a lot,but I’m out of energy, I can’t do this alone. I can’t pick life up. I can’t. I’m too exhausted. I just can’t. A rechargable battery doesn’t last forever.).