I’m alive

Click: Sia- Alive

I had a one way ticket to a place where all the demons go
Where the wind don’t change
And nothing in the ground can ever grow

But I survived


Thank you Sia, thank you for such a perfect song.


Every day is exactly the same

“I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound”

That is the beginning of the song “Every day is exactly the same” by Nine inch Nails. The song is also playing in the movie ‘Wanted’* , where I heard the song for the first time and the lyrics captured my attention. It’s beautifully written and fits in certain atmospheres perfectly.

The words and sentences seem to be able to describe my life as well. In fact, especially lately, my days have been kind of ‘exactly the same’. And having or finding a “purpose” is  something that has been somewhere in my mind for a long time now I guess, but I never found an answer that could satisfy me somehow. I think I never really had a voice so that part isn’t going along for me. Always I have been invisible, zero, nothing, empty, hiding. Somehow participating in the ‘general / main stream life’ is too hard or something, so I never showed the real me, not in school, not in things I did, not to most other people. Because it would cause too many problems I couldn’t deal with. But somewhere, deep inside, in all these times/years of emptiness, deep inside of me there is something that never has been completely quiet. Thoughts about life, about why things go as they go, why things work as they work, why people behave as they behave, how people make decisions, how they decide they like something or not, and how they seem to find purposes or things they can satisfy them, what keeps them going, what makes them go along in life, develop themselves, and so a million more questions like these.

Finding a purpose or a motivation or develop yourself is only something you can figure out for yourself somehow, and in the end things don’t really matter that all, and yet they do. Like in almost everything, I find contradictories in this as well and that is something I find hard to deal with. Somehow I’m looking for a truth, but I know there is not one truth. And I know these contradictories will always be a part of life and things and everything and such, but somehow I can’t seem to let it go. I also wonder how people do that, let things go, because I don’t seem to be very good at it with certain things. Is it a matter of time? Is it a matter of changing yourself? Is it a matter of waiting for certain feelings to pass? It can be everything, it can be none of them. For every person so different, and what works for one person does not work at all for the other.

Honestly, I don’t know where I want to go with this story. Since I’ve been having these eye troubles for over a week now my days seem to be even more boring than ever; I can’t spend much time on the computer, since the screen irritates my eyes so bad it gets worse. So all that happens is that I get up in the morning (with a lot of struggle), try to get through the day with eating some good things (also a struggle), go to the gym (struggle too), shower (struggle too), and try to go asleep again (struggle again). Getting through the hours, minutes, sometimes even seconds is hard. And it’s going and going and going for days like this now. But even if I could spend more time on the computer, or reading, would that make a difference? I guess not. I guess half of the time I would have to fight to get through the time and it still doesn’t change things in feeling much better or seeing purposes or whatever. Bleh. I guess the “nothing matters anymore” / “everything is meaningless and empty’ time is back.

How is this going to continue? How is this going to end?

Now those questions come up in my brain, some other quotes from the Matrix, the movie, come up too. Why exactly I can not tell, but I guess  just add them to this post.

“This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”

“I know you’re out there. I can feel you now. I know that you’re afraid. You’re afraid of us. You’re afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn’t come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I’m going to hang up this phone, and then I’m going to show these people what you don’t want them to see. I’m going to show them a world … without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.”

“Everything that has a beginning has an end.”

“What is real? How do you define ‘real’? If you’re talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then ‘real’ is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.”

“The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you’re inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.”

* ( In case you haven’t seen wanted (2008): it’s a Russian-American action crime thriller. The storyline follows a man, an ‘unassuming nobody’ who works at a dead-end office job, takes anti-anxiety medication for panic attacks and has a live-in girlfriend who cheats on him with his best friend. He discovers that he is the son of a professional assassin and decides to join a secret guild in which his father worked.)