Another part of struggling.

Today I feel incredibly sad, without even knowing exactly why. I feel so much emptiness, I feel like I have rarely been so hollow inside, I’m a zombie and my heart is a deep black hole full of hurt.

At work, since I’ve started again, I mostly sit alone, seperated from my colleagues. I can’t bring myself to sit with anyone. They are nice, but being close to them seems to difficult to me. So I just hide alone in a corner of the office.

I know I am the only one who can change this.

Today I had to go to my manager for a talk. Like how things are going and stuff. I really did not look forward to it, I don’t feel like talking to anyone. But I could not really not go.

It was not such a nice talk. I said honestly that I don’t know how I am, that I just try to do my work and that’s it – nothing else. I said that I am unhappy, that I don’t feel good here. She said something back like that it’s also in my range to change things – I know, I seperate myself from the rest, I appearantly decide to hide from everyone. I just can’t do things differently.

I think I must have looked superdepressed. Which is actually how I felt at the moment.

She asked questions, about future plans, about if I’m trying to find another job. I said I don’t know. I am looking, but not doing anything. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how my life is in 2 months. I just feel lost. I don’t feel like I can really do anything. I’m not something very specific. It would have been easier maybe when I would be a painter or something specific, but I’m just a something together from some random stuff.

I said I find life difficult. That I don’t see it. How to work hard and not achieve anything, no stability and stuff. That it doesn’t work out, for me.

I came home feeling supersad. I tried to sleep, without succes. Outside the sun shines, but inside of me it just feels like one big battlefield where a war was and left a big darkness.

Yeah, I know it will pass. I know it’s probably just a bad day. It just feels so awful. And I realize I do this myself to, with hiding, with withdrawing, with being in this isolation.

But I just don’t have the energy. I just can not do otherwise right now.

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