snapshots and broken thoughts

Tattooed inside my brain

Been trying to erase some parts,

but sometimes I can’t seem to bear

these thoughts about you

can’t bear to read

or see something

that reminds me of you

These memories – sometimes almost killing me.

 

Once things were different

We used to talk, we used to speak

We used to write, but time turned weak

well, not only time, things changed

And they will never be, the same

(but I don’t want them to be)

 

The impact you had on me

in several ways

is drifting away

but memories come back at certain days.

 

I realize that

I never really knew you after all

and maybe we were never even really friends

since it was hidden behind this hole with walls

 

The more I used to think about it

The more confusing it would be

But distance changes things

And feelings always block the things to see.

 

Sometimes I feel bad

that I decided to cut the contact.

And try to erase you out of my life

but then again

True, it’s maybe not fair that I made it one way

but I guess the contact was one sided anyway

because you would decide

when and how and what and…

oh well, maybe it doesn’t really matter anymore.

 

Guess I’ll never really understand

but you maybe wouldn’t say.

The inside cracks lost hope and sense it all

where little time turns into days.

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Invisible veins

You want to take my blood,

But no way you will find it.

You search for my veins,

but no way you can find them.

My blood is not where you

are looking for

where you supposed to be

looking for it,

give up your search,

it will always be

out of reach.

Cruel distance / Distance saviour

Sometimes, or maybe even I should say ” often”, distance, is a word with a certain level of importance for me, even if it’s just a word. There are several words with this level of importance for me, even if they are just words and no matter how bad you want, sometimes they stay just ‘ static’ words and never cover the actual message, feeling or whatever you would like to transfer.

Distance, is a thing that often helps me to survive, to be able to deal with life, or with situations, or with people, and also, help to understand things and the world around me. Distance creates a different view, and in general I could say it helps me.

But at the same time, distance is a cruel thing. It somehow makes these barriers that it makes impossible to enjoy, to feel happiness, to feel connected, to have these connections to other people. Somehow at this point, the disconnection bothers me the most. Feeling disconnected is , expressed weakly, not so nice.

Sometimes, if there is a connection, which is something that does not happen easily and often, there is a need to break it, and put distance in between. I can not say I always like that, since this is one of the cruel forms of distance the way I see it, but, even if it is not a nice thing, it is necessary sometimes. Necessary to protect yourself.

In the previous time I had to create a kind of distance and disconnection to a person/persons. Even with the fact I have a lot of struggles with myself and usually blame myself and such, with this/these situation(s), I know it was the right thing to do to – protect- myself.

For a long time, I used (but felt like I had to) distance to create this barrier between the most people and me. Just very few people were allowed to see a part of the real me, or I shared things with that I don’t do often. Very, very few. And even in that, you sometimes make mistakes, or believe or want to believe the ‘ hopefull thoughts’ but sometimes it ends up very painful.

There are people with who you can feel deeply connected with. I can feel very deeply connected to people, it is something that I find very hard to explain. I never really loved someone in a physical way but I guess there is a kind of ‘ falling in love with the soul’. I don’t know how to express it properly and if this is even a right way of, but I can not express it in a better way at this point. Sometimes it even happens with people I don’t really know, but there is something that creates this deeply connection or affection to someone, which is hard to explain. Anyway, it does not happen very often, just rarely. But most of those ‘ very rarely moments’ , those people are so far away from me. I will never be close to them or they will never – or maybe i should say- it is most unlikely, they will become friends. Because somehow there is always something that creates this distance or impossibility to ‘ connect’  or ‘ get closer’  or ‘ become friends’ or whatever.

Anyway, I don’t know where I want to go with this post, I just felt like writing since it is bothering me today.

But maybe its not so bad that those people never get too close. Often, it ends up with hurt  in the end one way or another, or something happens that damages your trust or damages truth*. And so sometimes the only thing to do is no matter how much you feel for someone, all you can do is create distance.

*Truth, is another word that has a lot of importance for me – and yeah what is truth, I can not easily answer that question, but truth is, as things are now, maybe the most important thing in my life  (maybe I’m wrong in that, but that is how it seems to be now.)

Somehow I still love certain of those very few people in a certain way, but, I created this distance. To protect myself. And partly to protect them. Sometimes, it’s not good to be in touch with someone since it doesn’t work out for one of the two (or something else). No matter how much you love someone. Sometimes, the best thing is to get distance. Or best thing….I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing actually.

Sometimes I think about these things. Sometimes I still feel hurt and bad about situations related to this. Sometimes it is hard to say how things really are.

And, other people can make me doubt so much and with their words, what they say,they can touch something in my core, that makes me doubt my sanity somehow, and if I see things right. They affect my feelings. And it ends up with more doubt. Did I do the right thing? Am I not the one who sees things wrong? And so on. But somehow, you never know how things exactly. Because you can always look at them at so many different ways and such. And it just messes up so much inside of me.

Normally, it always ends up that I blame myself, that I think I am the one who is wrong, and such. Am I that messed up that I am really always the one who is wrong? I know my self esteem is not much, but , is it worth of it to let other people have this large role in the way I see things, that i always end up almost believing their view on things? I am afraid not. Deep inside I know I guess, but, somehow I just don’t have the faith in myself or am not strong enough to stand my ground. If they start talking, defending, explaining, or whatever, my feelings get mixed up and I get trapped into this messy, chaotic prison of mixed feelings .And I have no idea how to find a way out of this maze. This is complex to me. But I do know, that sometimes, and lately I make that happen, I have to protect myself, or maybe sometimes even the other person, by creating that distance. Even if it hurts, it is a necessary thing to continue. But it is….I don’t know. It never gets easy somehow.

The mistake.

How could I ever

let you see a part of my world

when you always would keep yours

hidden

How could I ever

let you hear a part of my song

when you always would hide yours

like forbidden

How could I ever think that

there was a friendship,

since it seemed to be all controlled

by the way you wanted

How could I ever think that there was

a certain care

a certain connection

While it maybe was too obvious

that I was only

this distraction,

this easy take it out on

this easy too control.
Deep inside I know

Even if its never spoken out loud

which wouldn’t be even possible

but anyway,

Hurt me because you have been hurt

Is just not okay.