it’s kind of sad, i guess.

A lot of things going on and I could write about so much things. The world is a sad place. So is mine.

I’m feeling pushed, and that people around me don’t give space. And they seem to blame me for it.

Do they even understand what it’s like to feel depressed, that every day is a fight again and just living life is hard enough, but no, everyone wants you to make plans and future goals and whatever all these things, but it’s already hard enough to struggle through each single day. Without future plans, because they are simply too hard. Without goals, because they are simply too far, out of reach and they eat too much energy. Energy that is needed just to get through the day.

I am angry, and at the same time filled with apathy, sadness, sorrow, and a void.

I can not even talk about it, because it makes me too sad.

But I can say is that I feel under a lot of pressure. People pulling at me.

And I feel very alone. Like VERY alone.

I want to crawl away and hide, and not face anyone and not face the world and not live life. And that is not even possible. How pathetic. Seriously.

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sadness wins, sometimes

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I walk, because I need to get better, because I need to get fit. Because I need to take care of myself.But I walk and instead of feeling better, I feel sadness, and apathy. I feel scared, anxiety, and nasty thoughts.
What if I’m sick and I’m going to die? What if I never get rid of this freaking dysthymia? What if I can’t live a normal life and can’t hold on to my job? So many what if’s, but I know it doesn’t matter and I don’t have answers and I shouldn’t ask myself these questions. I don’t even know why I ask these questions. But they are in my head.

The sun shines, but my feelings are numb.It’s beautiful, the sun, the nature, the emptiness of the landscape. That I try to take care of myself. But I don’t feel it. All I want is to crawl away and feel sad, because I am. I want to be with my love, to feel safe and welcome.

But my love is far, and I’m stuck in this crazy sadness and hell of a pressure at work. I’m stuck in this life of nothingness. No, I’m not stuck forever, but I’m stuck now, and I feel this intense sadness, that makes me doubt about everything and makes me scared of so much things.

I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to feel this way.

And yet, it’s all that happens.

The shadow that’s hanging over my “I try to keep things together life”

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The last few weeks I’ve been barely hanging in in some kind of way.  A limit is reached at work: yes, it’s really nice I got a pay rise (..Officially my contract ends beginning of April very likely it will be extended), but….I can’t do all the extra things they want me to, and they don’t listen to my signals that it’s (becoming) too much. They just add and add. They gave me more subjects to handle, big subjects, and pressure things. I get overwhelmed and stuck: my head blocks. There is too much information to keep updated on, and too less time. As well the computer systems I need don’t work properly often and sometimes make it impossible to do my job.  I feel tensed already when I drive to work. I go to work and come back, and just lie on my bed and hang around. It can’t go on that way.

Next to that, stuff in my family is driving me insane again. I’m  so so sick of it, I want to take my backpack and leave everything behind: my head is spinning, I DON”T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE. At the same time I’m angry at myself: WHY THE HELL AM I STILL HERE and not moved out?

The smallest things annoy me. It’s just killing me. I can not live like this. I can’t.

I can not even write down here what all these things are – it’s already so much to write this here. It looks like a short text, but it’s exhausting to write this. I’m done, so done.

Next to that, another cool thing, I’m sick. Physically.I’ve been sickish for a few weeks (sickness going around everywhere at work, so far I was pretty okay till last week when fever hit me).

I can’t tell you HOW tired I am. How full my head is. How my limits are reached.

the question is

how to get out of it and get space again in my limits.

I don’t believe in it anymore.

Work, no work, hiring, firing….what?

Work has been chaotic the last few weeks. I don’t know what to think about it.

A few people left and a few leave soon, because their contracts end it’s time for them now to get a steady contract, thanks to the awesome government and laws, but of course that is not going to happen, so they have to leave). Bye experience. Bye knowledge. (It’s not only sad for them; me and my colleagues have no one to ask things if we don’t know).This is also not good for our clients. But yeah, who seems to care ?

I learned that they just hired 15 people for the next 2 or 3 months. There was also an e-mail last week, saying that there was less money and they will have to fire people because of they have to work more efficient and there is less money.

Sorry, what? What the heck is this, they just hire people , there are people leaving and they are talking about firing people? Why do they hire people then? What do I have to think about this? What do they expect from me? What do they want from me?

Working less than fulltime was almost impossible, OR you had to had a very good reason (like having a child or something – which I don’t have). But what’s the point about working fulltime or only wanting people to come fulltime if the budget is cut and things have to become more efficient and firing people? Is it so difficult to give people less hours? Would that not be better and taking care a bit of the budget? I wouldn’t mind working 4 days a week………I wouldn’t even mind to have an unpaid leave for 2 months, to go traveling. If I know I can continue with the job after, I really would cooperate. But why aren’t they looking at things like that? Why do things always have to be so rigorous?

More and more things are to be measured in time, efficiency, more and more rules which make doing your work more difficult.

It’s annoying me a lot, it really frustrates me, I feel like I can’t do my job well, I feel incompetent. I feel pressure, and I don’t know what they want from me.

Maybe it’s time to search for another job (which won’t be easy, and probably not much better circumstances neither). That makes me a bit sad; I like(d?) my job, I like my colleagues, I like(d) the subjects, the atmosphere.

 

But maybe I just liked it, and I don’t like my “new” kind of job…

 

The fight against the pressure at work

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The sun shines, the leaves fly around. Outside, things are beautiful.

Inside, during the week, it’s grey, and there’s a lot of pressure. Pressure that puts me in a prison. I can’t step right, I can’t step left.

Still, I like my work, but there is a part of my job that I really, really dislike and that doesn’t give me the space that I need to do my job well. It wasn’t so bad in the beginning when I started, but it seems to get worse and worse. Last week, I was about to explode. ( I didn’t – instead I stepped to my coach and vented there). But it’s not nice for the upcoming future. More colleagues will leave (contracts end or they stop the job because of several reasons).

In the beginning at this job,they said it’s better to give a good answer, than a fast answer. The focus was on quality, not on quantity. Perfect for me – that’s how I am. I’m not the fastest and I don’t handle the most information requests for sure, but I do my research. I want to give a decent answer.

This seems to change lately – time seems more and more important, rather than giving right answers or help well. I’ve been fighting this before, but sometimes I don’t get the time I need to finish my work. At my job, we are scheduled what we do at each hour. Officially there are rules, if you need time for something, you ask. But I ask and ask and ask, and simply never actually get this time. So what happens? My work stagnates, people have to wait for answers for long time, sometimes they call back, but I just don’t have the space to finish those tasks, because I simply do not get time. The current things, they seem more important than work that’s already there. Yeah, that means people have to wait sometimes before they can speak to me, but the other tasks need to be done too. I can’t postpone them forever.

And so more. Sometimes I need specialists for answers, because the trainings I got are very broad, and minimalistic. In reality that means I have to ask the specialist a lot and rely and I’m dependent on the specialist. That usually takes time too. But for one of the things, often I do not get right anwers, or not answers on my questions, so i have to send it back and wait again. Sometimes I have to put it back for more than 2 times. Not practical.

All of this makes me feel very incompetent with my job. People expect answers from me, but I’m dependent on so much others. I don’t get the time to find the answers or handle the requests. But I have the time to take in new. It’s not correct.

It’s growing more than I can handle. I feel this huge pressure on me, but I don’t get the space to fix things. They don’t give me time- I’m stuck.

I can’t work like this. I can not do my job well if I don’t get the space and time to finish things.

And I can’t just follow the orders. If I do that as strictly as the schedule and my tasks, things don’t go right. People don’t get their information, answers, and they will be informed wrong, or not at all. I can’t work like that. I can’t look in the mirror then and think I do my job well and I do something good for society – because it’s not that way.

I don’t know what I want to reach with this post. I’m sad that my job seems to turn out this way. I hope it will change, but I don’t expect too much. I just have to find a way to make it work and not feel so stressed and incompetent anymore. Otherwise, I will have to choose for myself and leave. I can’t work like that. I am not like that. I can’t stand behind myself if I have to work like that.

Stupid (?)

Today my jaw is still hurting. Also, the last day I have painkillers .

I didn’t go to work. I called work this morning to see if I could have a different schedule that’s managable for me; 8 hours on a day I don’t manage at the moment, and I don’t manage to talk whole day long. The stitches inside my mouth and my jaw do not agree with that. Otherwise the discomforts and pain that brings, there’s not much wrong with me (or is there?)

Anyway, I contacted my work, because I was called in sick Friday. They said I better stay called in sick, because they can’t guarantee me that they can send me home all the time when I don’t manage.So maybe I would have to call in sick a few times, which is not handy and not good because they look at the number of times you called in sick with contract extentions- if there are too many, it can mean the end of the job.

I spoke shortly with them and the rest via e-mail. They wrote something like “discuss this with the manager”so I wrote him. And now the doubts hit in. I don’t know why I did, I don’t know if that was the right thing to do. I asked for an adapted schedule becuase it’s not that I can’t work at all.

Maybe I shouldn’t have done that and stayed ‘called in sick’. Why can’t I just bear a few days doing nothing, I suddenly asked myself. Because I was home so much last week and worked from home 2 days? Why does it make me feel so uncomfortable? Am I that afraid of the organisations you can get to deal with when called in sick? Everyone’s out of running sometimes, so why can’t I be?

Suddenly, I feel like I’m stupid I wrote the e-mail.

I realize I can’t take it back, it’s already sent.

What’s wrong with me? I don’t give myself time to recover properly. Work has taken a hold of me, that I seem to feel the need to always be there and function like a robot.

That’s no good.

stupid me. silly me.

Sigarettes and the sparrow

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There’s sigarettes, a sparrow and me, and I don’t even smoke. It’s a rainy day and I stand on this busy busstation. Actually I don’t want to leave, but somehow “I have to”.

While the rain is pouring down, I drop my bag at a bench. The bench is not wet, but I refuse to sit down. Failure, is spinning in my head, failure. Everyone seems to be able to work something out, be good in something, and here I am – giant failure of the world.

I can’t do my job, I’m too slow, it’s too messy in my head. I’m good in researching, I know, but I can’t put limits. Somehow things need to be black and white to understand, but I know it’s impossible and I always find the exceptions. And I can’t deal with them.

It’s frustrating.

On social media, my eyes pick up signs. Of people who do better than me, of people who seem to fit better , for people who do meaningful things. Here I am, I think, trying to make things work, but failing all the time.

For the first time since my job started, I had a terrible day. Nothing worked out. I felt confused. I wasn’t able to function like I should. I felt that I should give up on the job: I can’t do it, it’s too complicated for me, was all I thought for a while.

I didn’t quit. I just drove home, and I guess I will start again tomorrow.

A brand new day. A brand new day for a nobody like me. Emptiness. Meaningless.
What’s the point?