The sun shines, the leaves fly around. Outside, things are beautiful.
Inside, during the week, it’s grey, and there’s a lot of pressure. Pressure that puts me in a prison. I can’t step right, I can’t step left.
Still, I like my work, but there is a part of my job that I really, really dislike and that doesn’t give me the space that I need to do my job well. It wasn’t so bad in the beginning when I started, but it seems to get worse and worse. Last week, I was about to explode. ( I didn’t – instead I stepped to my coach and vented there). But it’s not nice for the upcoming future. More colleagues will leave (contracts end or they stop the job because of several reasons).
In the beginning at this job,they said it’s better to give a good answer, than a fast answer. The focus was on quality, not on quantity. Perfect for me – that’s how I am. I’m not the fastest and I don’t handle the most information requests for sure, but I do my research. I want to give a decent answer.
This seems to change lately – time seems more and more important, rather than giving right answers or help well. I’ve been fighting this before, but sometimes I don’t get the time I need to finish my work. At my job, we are scheduled what we do at each hour. Officially there are rules, if you need time for something, you ask. But I ask and ask and ask, and simply never actually get this time. So what happens? My work stagnates, people have to wait for answers for long time, sometimes they call back, but I just don’t have the space to finish those tasks, because I simply do not get time. The current things, they seem more important than work that’s already there. Yeah, that means people have to wait sometimes before they can speak to me, but the other tasks need to be done too. I can’t postpone them forever.
And so more. Sometimes I need specialists for answers, because the trainings I got are very broad, and minimalistic. In reality that means I have to ask the specialist a lot and rely and I’m dependent on the specialist. That usually takes time too. But for one of the things, often I do not get right anwers, or not answers on my questions, so i have to send it back and wait again. Sometimes I have to put it back for more than 2 times. Not practical.
All of this makes me feel very incompetent with my job. People expect answers from me, but I’m dependent on so much others. I don’t get the time to find the answers or handle the requests. But I have the time to take in new. It’s not correct.
It’s growing more than I can handle. I feel this huge pressure on me, but I don’t get the space to fix things. They don’t give me time- I’m stuck.
I can’t work like this. I can not do my job well if I don’t get the space and time to finish things.
And I can’t just follow the orders. If I do that as strictly as the schedule and my tasks, things don’t go right. People don’t get their information, answers, and they will be informed wrong, or not at all. I can’t work like that. I can’t look in the mirror then and think I do my job well and I do something good for society – because it’s not that way.
I don’t know what I want to reach with this post. I’m sad that my job seems to turn out this way. I hope it will change, but I don’t expect too much. I just have to find a way to make it work and not feel so stressed and incompetent anymore. Otherwise, I will have to choose for myself and leave. I can’t work like that. I am not like that. I can’t stand behind myself if I have to work like that.