The pebblestone in the desert

Honestly, I guess I have to admit I don’t have much ‘life’. It’s one of these days again that everything is empty and life seems an endless torture to me. I’m sad, empty and angry at the same time, and yet nothing at all.

Life is just not for everyone. To have a house, to lead a peaceful life, that’s just not for everyone. Like a pebblestone that needs water to bounce, I’m like a pebblestone that ended up in the desert. You just fall, and sink away in the sand: that’s me.

Somehow it’s a rough time again. Family issues, and the more I think about it, the more sick I feel. Emotional traps, nasty games, and even if I’m not super close, it affects me more then I would like to admit. And I feel so sorry for my parents, who are hugely affected by it. When I was younger I was angry at them so many times. And now I understand it better. Some things you just don’t see when you’re young. That they were trapped and part of an unfair, nasty game. I feel sorry for them that their lives are so destroyed and affected. It’s bad to say, but I hope they will be finally free when the person who does that and who is left, dies. That’s terrible to say I realize and know. Yet I’m afraid I think it would really be that way, though they will not ever be free from it: some damage is done forever.

Work was also pretty shitty, it gets worse. I can’t even find the words for it to describe what is going on. But I feel tension going up and up, I feel more pressure and I feel like I’m falling apart. I doubt about things I should not doubt, and I think I do my work less good.

I drag myself at home. I wait for the train, stare in the emptiness of the station, even when it’s full of people. I sit on the train, feeling braindead. I drag myself home; trying to slalom between cars and bikes and walking people who all seem to be in such a hurry and seem to rule the world, where’s there no space for empty people like me.

I hide myself in bed and when the night falls, I go out to the grocery store. Immediatly when you walk in, the neon signs and advertisements jump into your sights. I get superannoyed by that lately; it’s too much. With a task that’s not so difficult; get your groceries together but feels like running a survivalrun, I dissapear into the night again, trying to avoid every other living human being and try to get home as soon as I can, to crawl away in my cave again. I don’t want to face anyone or anything anymore, I just want to be left alone, and yet my heart aches so badly that I don’t know what to do about it. I feel awful, I’m not hungry and I don’t pick up my phone when someone calls.

All I am, is the pebblestone in the desert.

Advertisements

it’s kind of sad, i guess.

A lot of things going on and I could write about so much things. The world is a sad place. So is mine.

I’m feeling pushed, and that people around me don’t give space. And they seem to blame me for it.

Do they even understand what it’s like to feel depressed, that every day is a fight again and just living life is hard enough, but no, everyone wants you to make plans and future goals and whatever all these things, but it’s already hard enough to struggle through each single day. Without future plans, because they are simply too hard. Without goals, because they are simply too far, out of reach and they eat too much energy. Energy that is needed just to get through the day.

I am angry, and at the same time filled with apathy, sadness, sorrow, and a void.

I can not even talk about it, because it makes me too sad.

But I can say is that I feel under a lot of pressure. People pulling at me.

And I feel very alone. Like VERY alone.

I want to crawl away and hide, and not face anyone and not face the world and not live life. And that is not even possible. How pathetic. Seriously.

Pathetic Potato Chips

IMG_0643

It wasn’t even me who found them. I would not even have bought them, even if I’d knew about their existence. Or even if I would find them, by accident. To be honest with you: I had never heard of them before. It was my friend, who introduced them to me. The Monster Munch.

Actually they are just some ordinary potato chips. They do not even look like monsters, but more like the ghosts you find in pacman. These creatures seemed to be the favorite chips of my friend. So when I heard about them, and saw them in the store, I took a bag of them.

Driving home, they were just lying in the backseat of my car. Driving home with a bag of chips, how pathetic is that? The whole world seemed to ask too much from me, and here I was, part of it, with a bag of monster munch in the backseat.

Pathetic. It’s pathetic.What a crazy world sometimes.

 

A basic income

10154538_842394979109403_4373909651617961244_n

This is something that really drew my attention a while ago and since I read about it and related things, it doesn’t let me go: a basic income.

Maybe it drew my attention because myself I don’t have any form of income while I’m trying to find a way in life but somehow I don’t seem to fit in the main streams that work out for the most people. But even when I still had income, I saw those people without it. And I cared.

Some people have their opinions ready about me , or people without jobs. I learned a lot the last 10 years of my life, and one of those things is that sometimes unexpected things can happen that can turn your whole life upside down. It’s not always your own fault when you lose your job or are not able to work or find a job – there are so many possibilities that can cause these things and make it so difficult for a person to find, search or hold a job.

As well, I think everyone in this world has a right to exist and a right to have a certain standard of living; a place to feel good, where you can be yourself, the possibility to buy food and get healthcare if you need. Somewhere, I don’t understand why the world is why it is today, sometimes it makes me mad, sometimes sad, sometimes I just don’t understand it. I can not understand, why after all these years, decades, there is still such a strong seperation between people: why some have 4 houses, 8 cars, an airplane, while others are on the streets without a house and can’t buy food.

Everyone needs love, food, happiness. Everyone.

Why do we make some people more important than others? Why do we allow these huge differences? Why do we want to buy a shirt or jeans for the cheapest as possible, while we know that the person who made it, has a crappy life and bad working conditions? Why can these companies exist to push people to work 16 hours a day for a low salary that is not really enough to get by? Who are these people, that lead those companies, what do they think? And are they really that way that they want to misuse people like that because of their own profits? With such a huge difference? It makes me sick. And so I can write for hours, about related things, but in the end I end up feeling so miserable I want to crawl away from this world, what is in certain perspectives a really terrible place.

I read that, during the 1970s, there was an expirimental Canadian basic income project, called mincome, held in Manitoba. The purpose of this experiment was to determine whether a guaranteed, unconditional annual income caused disincentive to work for the recipients, and how great such a disincentive would be. A final report was never issued, but there are a few people who did analysis and researches about these kind of things.

Another article I read, is thise one: why we should give free money to everyone , which was very interesting to read. I also believe that, it’s not that people turn lazy when they have a guaranteed income, because in long term, I don’t think much people become happy of doing nothing.

Why are these things not reality yet? Why do we think some people have no right on a job or income or don’t deserve money? Why do we think it’s right to have these huge differences, while one has everything, and other ends up not having a chance to build something small up? Some differences are okay, one who works very hard can have more then someone who does not, it’s not that I think there shouldn’t be any differences. But the current differences are too far from each other. The contrasts are too big.

Aren’t we all living under the same sky?

And so, they took away my dreams

Believe me, I tried.

To adapt to what they wanted from me,

who they wanted me to be,

and what they wanted to see.

But my dreams have died,

which now, they blame me for;

 

for not being able to,

for not knowing,

for not acting,

for not trying  hard enough.

 

But sometimes,

you need something back from the world

instead of trying and trying and giving and undergo and endure and suffer

 

when everything has been

taken away from you

Cruel distance / Distance saviour

Sometimes, or maybe even I should say ” often”, distance, is a word with a certain level of importance for me, even if it’s just a word. There are several words with this level of importance for me, even if they are just words and no matter how bad you want, sometimes they stay just ‘ static’ words and never cover the actual message, feeling or whatever you would like to transfer.

Distance, is a thing that often helps me to survive, to be able to deal with life, or with situations, or with people, and also, help to understand things and the world around me. Distance creates a different view, and in general I could say it helps me.

But at the same time, distance is a cruel thing. It somehow makes these barriers that it makes impossible to enjoy, to feel happiness, to feel connected, to have these connections to other people. Somehow at this point, the disconnection bothers me the most. Feeling disconnected is , expressed weakly, not so nice.

Sometimes, if there is a connection, which is something that does not happen easily and often, there is a need to break it, and put distance in between. I can not say I always like that, since this is one of the cruel forms of distance the way I see it, but, even if it is not a nice thing, it is necessary sometimes. Necessary to protect yourself.

In the previous time I had to create a kind of distance and disconnection to a person/persons. Even with the fact I have a lot of struggles with myself and usually blame myself and such, with this/these situation(s), I know it was the right thing to do to – protect- myself.

For a long time, I used (but felt like I had to) distance to create this barrier between the most people and me. Just very few people were allowed to see a part of the real me, or I shared things with that I don’t do often. Very, very few. And even in that, you sometimes make mistakes, or believe or want to believe the ‘ hopefull thoughts’ but sometimes it ends up very painful.

There are people with who you can feel deeply connected with. I can feel very deeply connected to people, it is something that I find very hard to explain. I never really loved someone in a physical way but I guess there is a kind of ‘ falling in love with the soul’. I don’t know how to express it properly and if this is even a right way of, but I can not express it in a better way at this point. Sometimes it even happens with people I don’t really know, but there is something that creates this deeply connection or affection to someone, which is hard to explain. Anyway, it does not happen very often, just rarely. But most of those ‘ very rarely moments’ , those people are so far away from me. I will never be close to them or they will never – or maybe i should say- it is most unlikely, they will become friends. Because somehow there is always something that creates this distance or impossibility to ‘ connect’  or ‘ get closer’  or ‘ become friends’ or whatever.

Anyway, I don’t know where I want to go with this post, I just felt like writing since it is bothering me today.

But maybe its not so bad that those people never get too close. Often, it ends up with hurt  in the end one way or another, or something happens that damages your trust or damages truth*. And so sometimes the only thing to do is no matter how much you feel for someone, all you can do is create distance.

*Truth, is another word that has a lot of importance for me – and yeah what is truth, I can not easily answer that question, but truth is, as things are now, maybe the most important thing in my life  (maybe I’m wrong in that, but that is how it seems to be now.)

Somehow I still love certain of those very few people in a certain way, but, I created this distance. To protect myself. And partly to protect them. Sometimes, it’s not good to be in touch with someone since it doesn’t work out for one of the two (or something else). No matter how much you love someone. Sometimes, the best thing is to get distance. Or best thing….I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing actually.

Sometimes I think about these things. Sometimes I still feel hurt and bad about situations related to this. Sometimes it is hard to say how things really are.

And, other people can make me doubt so much and with their words, what they say,they can touch something in my core, that makes me doubt my sanity somehow, and if I see things right. They affect my feelings. And it ends up with more doubt. Did I do the right thing? Am I not the one who sees things wrong? And so on. But somehow, you never know how things exactly. Because you can always look at them at so many different ways and such. And it just messes up so much inside of me.

Normally, it always ends up that I blame myself, that I think I am the one who is wrong, and such. Am I that messed up that I am really always the one who is wrong? I know my self esteem is not much, but , is it worth of it to let other people have this large role in the way I see things, that i always end up almost believing their view on things? I am afraid not. Deep inside I know I guess, but, somehow I just don’t have the faith in myself or am not strong enough to stand my ground. If they start talking, defending, explaining, or whatever, my feelings get mixed up and I get trapped into this messy, chaotic prison of mixed feelings .And I have no idea how to find a way out of this maze. This is complex to me. But I do know, that sometimes, and lately I make that happen, I have to protect myself, or maybe sometimes even the other person, by creating that distance. Even if it hurts, it is a necessary thing to continue. But it is….I don’t know. It never gets easy somehow.

Walking perfumes

Walking Perfume

Out there, while walking in a public space,

Out of the dark came a fast moving walking perfume,

who overtook my position for a couple of steps

and took a turn and dissapeared in the street on the left.

I had to catch my breath, the scent was way too strong

And I was puzzled, because I couldn’t understand how other people can get air. And I walked. And thought. And walked, and thought.
But windowshopping revealed the mystery:

Sale.

(Which is not the answer, but this story makes no sense anyway)