Assault on the moon

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Crawling, slowly,

clouds from the sea are entering

not even in silence,

but with brute sounds

they creep in –

and disturb the shore.

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Overwhelming sadness

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Suddenly, I feel an overwhelming sadness.

This jobsearching isn’t so easy, it takes a lot of my energy.

And you can not just trust what people say to you.

I don’t understand why the world is like this, why a job is more of a very competative sportscompetition. Why the place where I live is so crappy because with asking for benefits they make your life like hell. Like if its your choice to be unemployed and dont have any income. The things they ask from you, want to see from you.

if you’re already low or vulnerable, it will push you to the ground again.

Why is it so difficult just to survive, just to live, when it doesnt even seem you have a right on some basic income stuff ? I don’t know where to go for help. I don’t know if I can hang on with this. I just need peace. I just need a bit of money, I don’t need so much. I don’t want a new tv or fancy stuff. I just need a bed, a place where I can withdraw, some food, some clothes. My head is racing. I try to stop it. Stop these thoughts.

I just want peace. Oxygen. Space to breathe. Not these competitive attacks. Not these you dont work so you are to blame questionaries, like youre a criminal.

words. fail.

i can.t breathe.

properly.

 

Time flies, even when you’re not having fun

Sometimes time doesn’t only fly when you’re having fun, but it can also fly when you are not having fun. In the past, I remember a lot of days that just wouldn’t pass and went by so so slowly, but now, even  when the days are depressing or sad or empty, they just pass so quickly.

Suddenly times passes so much quicker now my move abroad comes closer – and I’m ready and I’m not ready. Departure day used to be quite far away, somehow it came close so fast while it seemed far away and there was plenty of time, and now I can feel the minutes and seconds coming close.

Somehow, things are overwhelming me. I wanted to be completely ready to leave but I am still not. There are still plenty of things to do; pack one of my bags, print my tickets, arrange my room. But somehow inside of me there is complete chaos. There are certain feelings that I find difficult to deal with. Rationally, I know this is the right thing to do and that this will be a good step which hopefully makes me move forward again, but emotionally, or something, there are so much things going on I can not really find the words for to describe and I find very hard to handle, and don’t really know how to deal with. It’s mixed up, and I feel these waves going through me that feel like I will crash and explode like waves can crash on the shore – waterdrops into so many tiny pieces, crushed, all over the place. I guess I should let certain things go, but, I don’t seem to be able to do so. Really, I wish letting go was easier, with certain things.

I seem to be an icecube that can not move. But time doesn’t wait or stop. That is very, very clear. Life doesn’t wait, nothing waits. Got to move. Nothing waits. But I’m standing still. The life I lead is not mine. It’s not me. But I have to move. Even when I froze, I have to move.

The last couple of days I have been wanting to write more, but somehow nothing came out. I manage to read other blogs, but replying freezes as well (sorry). I felt often that I wanted to write something but when I try, everything seems to freeze and I can not seem to finish or write it. Somehow I can’t have much on my plate, even with the smallest things I feel like I’m totally exhausted. I’m just ouf ot energy, too exhausted, tired, I don’t know. Probably it will be good that my move is soon now and that I will be in a world on a distance from everthing in my life. I need this distance. I need to get away from the life that is not mine. The life others want me to be. The life others seem to expect , or try to control. (But why is it still so hard??)

Well, I might be “away” for a (little?) while soon because in a few days I will make my move abroad. And I have no idea how internetacces will going to be. Also, I don’t have a computer myself I can take so it may stay quiet for a while. I hope I can continue writing and reading and get back on wordpress, because lately it felt nice to be on here somehow. I appreciated the interactions with fellow-bloggers, and learning and reading from you/them. But it might be a bit difficult in the upcoming few weeks to acces the world wide web. I don’t know how things will turn out.  Guess I’m a bit scared for what will come, but, I am also scared about the current situation. Conflicting feelings again. Well anyway, I’m still ready, even if I’m not ready.

Treasure in the grocery store

Generally, I’m not too fond of running errands. Sometimes it can even make me upset. Not so much the thought or action itself, but something that happens sometimes when I am in the grocery store. Even if I have made a list before I go, sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I can not function normal anymore – suddenly all these possibilities attack me, and I can’t  seem to decide what to buy anymore. It’s hard to say what exactly it is. Sometimes I am already not feeling to well before it starts, or everything I planned to buy wasn’t available or it is so expensive I will not buy it, but sometimes I suddenly get all these doubts out of nothing.

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So many types and sorts of milk, bread, tomatoes, rice, spinach, tortillas, whatever. Or like I had in mind to cook spaghetti but suddenly see bulgur or tacos and start doubting and an invisible stream of thoughts and doubts in my mind takes over and disturbs me pretty badly. Mostly I end up buying the weirdest combinations and feeling very uncomfortable and a bit dissapointed in myself I didn’t stick to my original plan and I let those things overwhelm me so much I started disfunctioning.

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But anyway, I like to have some healthy and nice food, so that means: grocery shopping. But somehow around this time of the year, with upcoming holidays there seems to be some kind of invisible message that says:

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It does not seem to matter at what time you go, it is always busy, crowded, crazy, unpleasant. All I want is just get my groceries in peace, without crazy unguided missiles around me that scream and yell and fly everywhere around me and bump your shopping cart and block the paths.

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So I try to be a zombie walking through the grocery store trying not to let the crazy world around me bother me too much. My mission this time: get some fruits and vegetables in peace. Half sleepy I start to collect some stuff – rice, soymilk, bread, eggs….

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But suddenly my brain receives a signal that seems to get me out of my zombie/sleepy state *POING*

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What? Did I really see THAT? Is this for real? In the corner of my eye I spot something that is rare to find in grocery stores around here….

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So I rub my eye to check if I’m sleeping, seeing a fata morgana or this is the real world. And I look again. But this is reality:

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Tadaa – A papaya! Yummmm! PAPAYA!

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For a second I feel like I’m standing there for ages drooling. Then my brain gives a signal again: Hello, wake up, GET that papaya now!

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Like it was the last papaya on earth, I jumped over some boxes and almost slipped on a slippery floor where some undefined substance was spoilt.

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And there I finally stood in front of the papaya:

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Looking at it if I had just found the most rare diamond on earth.

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With probably a smile on my face (because I was so surprised to find a papaya in the store) I finally touched the treasure I found today. Wow, it was REAL. And so my grocery shopping ended nicely for a change.

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Lost dreams and some kind of sorrow

Aside

My thoughts are kind of spinning in my head so I’m probably not making a very coherent story now.. I can not seem to find the right words I would like to write, but I guess it’s better to let out something that is not perfect or exactly how I wish it would be instead of making my head more spin.
Sometimes, on -melancholic days, my mind wanders around in a world without a map. Often I get lost in that world. It’s something that happens regularly, what makes things hard on one side, but on the other side, is necessary to be/ stay alive somehow.
Sometimes that just happens without any particular occasion, sometimes it’s caused by something that was on the news or happened or is going on in the world. Sometimes a lot of things that are happening / going on in the world bother me. Not only really very specific matters (well of course some specific matters too), but a lot of things. Though lately, it seems like my brain kind of decided to ‘shut down’ somehow and it also prevents me from being able to express or bring into words what is going through my mind.
Sometimes hearing or reading or seeing something can make my head spin like crazy and make me doubt about just everything. What I try to do is try to look at things at different perspectives and try to understand and try to search “the truth” (realize that is a hard thing) and what happens is that many questions appear about just everything.
Sometimes that gets so intensive (or ‘badly”) I feel like I’m going to drive insane because of it and there’s a tornado inside my head. Sometimes something happens inside that brain, that prevents me from even making the most simple decisions.
Like…can’t decide what kind of clothes to wear because nothing seems right (and I know it doesn’t really matter that bad but yet it does),can not seem to decide if I walk left or right when I leave the door, get overwhelmed standing in the grocery store buying food….
Even if I’ve made a list before going to the grocery store, at a moment like that, it doesn’t help at all. I step into the store, telling myself to keep calm and that things will work out and that all I need to do is just buy some food. But then I am in the store, I see thousands of possibilities what makes making a choice impossible, or prices aren’t right or something is sold out or whatever, but when that happens I always end up feeling pretty miserable. Sometimes I find myself just standing in a grocery store and wondering and observing people how they behave, how they act, and how they seem to make their choices. Honestly, I’m not sure why I do that. Because it never really helped me out of it. But well, we all have our ‘crazy things’ I guess.
Sometimes certain things I see or read make me think. Think about many aspects of life. Sometimes about dreams, forgotten dreams, dreams coming true, lost hope. Things like that. Dreams people have in their lives. Achieving and fulfillment. Searching for ways to work on dreams. Giving up. Hope. Not giving up…..
Sometimes it looks like dreams in my life never existed. Not sure if I ever had them. Sometimes some kind of questioning starts, okay, sometimes there are things that I seem to want or seem to like, but are they so important and motivating me I keep on going? No. Are they so important that they are in front of other things? No. Are they giving me energy to keep going? No.
Honestly, I’ve been never so apathetic like I am now. And I have no clue how to get out of it. No job, no income, not really a serious way to spend the days…. I do not do so much in and around the house. (And, I do not live on my own and am the only one not working here). I do feel guilty about all those things. I used to work hard and just go on and on and on. There was a time I worked 3 jobs. Started at 4.30 am and ended the day at 11 pm. All these years, trying to graduate, work and work and work and never called in sick (except for the time I could barely breathe, was send home and ended up in the hospital). I used to be a hard worker. I used not to care much about the job, a job was a job, even how boring it was. But not things changed. I can not. I just can not.
And I have no idea how to get out. Meh.