Not everything is possible

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Outside the window,
I see fog, the traffic, the sky
trees saying goodbye to their leaves
they turned from green to yellow to leafless
but there is no rain

A deep sigh, it’s my own, and I don’t even hear
Staring to the outside world,
I’m a statue on my own couch
Frozen, where silence remains

After all
Sometimes the world is just living its life
no matter if you want to be part of it
it plays its game, dead or alive.

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Silent sun

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Outside, there is life. Outside, there is sun. The brightness and happiness, and where life happens.

Inside, there is me. Inside, there is darkness. A world of apathy, numbness and no energy.

A world where a smile hurts. A world where nothing seems to matter.

I pretend I see the sun, and just remain silent.

Just sitting here

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Enough said. Just sitting here.

That seems to be my existence, at the moment, for the last few days. I’m not doing anything really, at least that is how I feel. I wake up, looking outside at the tree in front of my window; there is no need to step out of bed to sense the icy cold outside.

I don’t like it too much, but yet I feel stuck to do things. (I know I’m not, because in reality I am able to move). All I do, is just doing the household, because I’m the only not working person in this house.So I cook, do the shopping, vacuum clean, take care of the animals, do the laundry, iron, clean the kitchen, the bathroom, and still work on my downsizing stuff project. It’s still going (really takes ages). I was able to sell quite some stuff so far, but there is still much left. This selling my stuff went well so far; finally, since a long time I had some money coming in, even if it’s less the minimum wage for sure, it does help me. I was able to buy new shoes for the winter, without feeling guilty of it. I am able to buy a few presents for people to give them with Christmas, without feeling guilty if it was the right thing to spend money.

Yeah; I usually feel guilty when I spend money when nothing is coming in. But when my bank account balance doesnt change, it seems to be okay. So far , so good – untill now. Another thing I know it’s temporary.

So far I think I’m doing okay – I don’t feel great but I’m not super depressed either, even if the circumstances are perfect for it. And the days are cold and long and dark and I don’t know what to do very well. In the mornings I have some trouble to get out of bed, and then suddenly I rush because I feel guilty I stayed in bed for so long. I’ve been searching another job round, but it didn’t gave any results; simply nothing available for which I have the required papers.

And here I sit.

Hello Blackbird

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Almost everyday our eyes meet. In the mornings, when I get out of bed and walk to the kitchen, making some tea, I look out of the window. Often it sits there under some bushes in the neighbours garden: Blackbird.

I’m staring through the window. Blackbird watches me. I’m pretty sure about it. If I move, it follows me. Its eyes are watching me. It stays there, just sitting and we’re looking at each other for a couple of minutes. I wave to blackbird. It turns its head and continues staring at me. So this happened once some time ago, and happened again, and again, and again. Now it seems to become a routine. Assuming it wants food, I put some breadcrumbs or nuts or pieces of apple around that spot regularly. And hope blackbird enjoys it.

Today I was sitting at my desk, staring out of the window. My windows have a view on the upper part of some trees. There it was again: blackbird. This must have been the same blackbird I regularly meet downstairs, because it behaved and stared at me in similar ways. I tried to get a picture of blackbird, but, it doesn’t seem like Blackbird likes cameras a lot. Hope you can make the spot of blackbird. One is pretty blurry, but it has its orange beak.

Blackbird, I am going to miss you. A countdown has begon. Next week, I will be in a whole different world. These moments with blackbird, I will remember as special. Probably it sounds odd, but there is something about these moments that have a lot of value for me.

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Bye dear blackbird. Please take good care when I’m gone here. I will miss our meetings.