The sick leave.

It has been quiet on my blog for a while now. I’ve been struggling at work for a while and no matter how much I’ve been wanting to write, nothing comes out. I type a few words, but then they don’t make sense, so I keep up starting to write, but I can never finish.

My head is, or maybe was, a mess and sometimes it is so difficult to make any sense of the storm that goes along inside my head. Maybe it’s like standing in the middle of a tornado, in the eye, you can see everything blowing and flying around you, but you can’t grasp or grab anything.

For a while now, things at work didn’t go so nicely. More and more experienced colleagues left (because of their contracts ended – not because of disfunctioning, but since most of ‘us’ are hired by a job agency and there’s this stupid law that creates the fact that after 3,5 years, we can not stay because of that. At that point they have to give a permanent contract which they don’t do, but at the same time the people who have to leave are replaced by newbies who are going to learn and do the exact same stuff.  And after 3,5 years you finally know how it works here, but the newbies (not their fault) create a lot of extra work for the oldies who are in the end of their contracts (because of inexperience , not their fault again, it’s how my employer works).

Next to that,  a certain chain of events and things happened which did not make it possible for me to do my job right. My work is planned for me from minute to minute, and is tracked and followed. Crazy I would say. I can’t always do what is needed, because of that, and that stings. You can ask for time, but I never got it. It’s so frustrating to have to ask for time to be able to finish a part of your job and not getting it for weeks and then getting questions and e-mails like “we would like the results’ – yeah, if that would only be possible! If I would only get some time.

Also a crazy action by someone high in the ministry caused a shitload of work. We were not informed in time, we had no clue how to help people, we didn’t have answers, and there were so much people calling because of that. This caused a big change in my work, because everything was removed from my schedule, and I was put on the phone to answer things (which I could not answer….) fully. And that went on for weeks, and it’s going to become months now. The conversations were really not the nicest and took long, and a lot of energy. I really have no problem with a few conversations that are negative or bad, but not the whole day long week in week out. Especially when you see things that people can’t do anything about, and the consequences are so big. I wish I could explain this better, because there is more,  but I lack the English (it’s just not good enough) to explain this and I also don’t want to risk that my employer might recognize me even if that chance is very low.

I’ve been trying to find solutions, like work shorter days, I’ve had several talks with the manager about this, but I could not escape my drop out. For a few weeks I had some panic attacs, breahting trouble, stress reactions and head-blocks and stuff like that that made it so hard to get through the days.  Once it became too much and I had to cry (in front of a few colleagues, darn!).

I don’t think my work takes me serious. It’s easy to shift this on my depression and the will do to my work right. I’m a bit of a perfectionist and I’ve been told I was too involved and concerned about my job. I just take things seriously and want to do it right, and I can not understand how you can not not be involved in the work you do. Apparantly, they don’t want from me to do my job right, they want me to do it fast and don’t care.

So now I’m home for a few weeks now.In three weeks I can see a special doctor who is allowed and can make decisions about sickness and work and how it continues, but I have to travel far for it and it makes me pissed of that I have to wait so long.

My pay continues, but much lower and much less hours than I usually work and I really don’t understand this. I get so less that it worries me a bit and I don’t know what to do – this kind of stuff freaks me out, I don’t get it and it’s hard to fight for something I dont understand what I should get. Maybe there is an additional pay frmo something else but all of that stuff is so complicated and difficult I’m already freaking out before having done anything. If you earn money they know where to find you when they want you to pay, but the other way, if you are out of things and struggling, there is no one or no government who says, do you need some help? They make it as difficult as possible, and that is just so wrong. I’m not doing this on purpose. And I tried everything I could to fix it first myself, but my employer doesnt seem to care.

 

 

I just moved into a new appartment (which is a big big plus compared to my old studio!) so that is positive. The new place is much more quiet, has a seperate sleeping room and a small balcony.

I’ve had a bad Bronchitis which gives me my second antibiotics round now. And I’ve been feeling superguilty to be at home and not work. The first week all I did was sleep. Now I try to go outside from time to time, but, nothing makes sense.

Next to that, my girlfriend  told me a few weeks ago she wants to move abroad again. now that’s no surprise, but it’s sooner than expected, and this made me doubt. Doubt about our relationship, about the future. If I would have known one month earlier, I wouldn’t have moved. I know that we would go abroad , but not now in a few months. So I might end up staying alone here in a more expensive appartment which I might struggle to pay, and I signed up for a year so I’m basically stuck till march next year. (Housing is crazy too – so hard to find something affordable, so I was glad we found something better).

And now?

I don’t know how to continue.

I don’t know how to fix work.

I don’t know what I want myself.

All I know is that my work makes me sick.

All I know is that I should not stay at this job.

All I know is that I will never be happy in this job

All I know is that my employer will not care

All I know is that I have to change, but I don’t know how.

I don’t know how what I really want.

I don’t know how to find a job that doesn’t eat me alive and where I fit and the job fits me.

I don’t know how how to continue things, to leave without no plan or nothing abroad or to live apart for a while from my girlfriend.

I don’t know how to fight or get benefits or the money I get I usually work without making me more sick and stuff

I don’t know if I should to back to work quicly or wait for the doctor in three weeks

There is a lot, of I don’t know.

And people say, follow your feelings. But what if you don’t understand them?

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Living what life?

Imagine. But it’s a truth.

I have a day job.A changing amount of hours every week. Nothing steady, nothing fancy.   Permanent contracts out of the question . It’s not the question if you have to leave or not:  the question is when.

It’s not a special job: everyone could do it I guess, there is no special degree needed for it, though when they make selections, they kind of pretend it that way.

Despite that the colleagues are nice, I guess the job is not making me happy at all. I keep telling myself that it could be worse, and seriously, this is not the worst job I had. In fact it’s the best, as you speak in friendliness and payment. But that, is not everything.

And however I make enough to support myself, it will not, or never,  make me rich. It will not help me to buy a house or something. It will just help me to pay the bills, and lead a moderate life in terms of – yeah, in terms of what exactly?

Work became something I don’t look forward to anymore. It became dull, unrewarding, and the days become longer, though in minutes they didn’t expand at all. I feel like a robot, a part of a system that isn’t really a good one, but, that’s something you should’t care or question about; it just makes things more complicated for yourself.

there are a lot of indications that this isn’t the job that makes me happy.It gets harder in time. I get headaches, I’m tired, and I care less, I lost my motivation. I try to do things right, but it’s never right anyway and hard working doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s not even notices. Maybe I would really like to find a job in my field of interest, but I don’t really know what my field of interest is. Often people say that is bullshit, but I’m really not sure myself.

As well I always feel like I’m not qualified enough or there is too much asked in a profile which I’m not. Also this game of who’s the best candidate, and all this fancy stuff, isn’t my thing. Sometimes I wonder about going back to study, but it’s unsure how I could afford that or support myself. And if I could make it, with my mental struggles. I guess I have motivation issues. It’s not that I don’t want, I’m not sure exactly what it is. It just makes things complicated. I also wonder if the degree or certificate would help anyway- I don’t think so). It would be just lost money. But what am I working towards to? To keep working like this and supporting myself to rent a house and buy food and keep that going for 20 or 30 years?
I passed the point where all the questions and thoughts keep me from sleeping. It became normal part of my life. Where simply a year ago these things would keep me up , they became a part of me – they don’t keep me from sleeping, but just continue during my sleep.

I wish I could explain how I feel. But the truth is: I’m not sure myself.

All I know is that I struggle to find my words, to find my feelings, to find the change.

All I know is that what you are reading, are just words to you, but it’s blood of my soul.

And all the words that I can’t find, are frustrating me that I can’t get them out.

That I can’t find the step to change. That I can’t do things different.

that I don’t know what I feel. That I dont know what i want.

That I just can’t make things better for myself.

What am I living?