The words that kept stuck in my brain

From: The Domesticated Brain by Bruce Hood.

Feelings and emotions are two sides of the same coin. Emotions are short-lived, outward responses to an event that everyone around can read, like a sudden burst of anger or fit of laughing, but feelings are the internal lingering experiences that are not always for public consumption. We can have feelings without expressing them as emotions. They are part of our internal mental life. Without feelings, we would not be motivated to do the things we do. Feelings we get from others are some of the strongest motivation that we can have. Without feelings, there would be no point getting out of bed in the morning. Even pure logic needs feelings. When se solve a puzzle, it is not enough to know the answer. You have to feel good about it too. Why else would we bother?

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Resistance

BOARD

Temperatures dropped down and there is a snow of leaves;

wind increased with lots of resistance – I’m almost sailing backwards

dark clouds are hanging over – always on stand-by,

But I keep moving, through curtains of flying leaves,

over the empty roads, through the mud I’ll find my way,

my wheels keep rolling….they need to keep rolling.

well, that is what I hoped for – in fact, they did not.

Today, I (finally) went out for a ride on my recently purchased longboard. I really like the board; it’s very stabile, it’s made from bamboo ( I like bamboo a lot somehow) and the wheels seem to be eco-friendly ; they are made with an environmentally friendly sucrose based, bio-urethane formula that reduces the manufacturer’s reliance on harmful synthetic materials. I like it that the company pays attention and thinks about those things too.

The weather was finally okay – no rain, and in the back of my head was this thought I should go out. This week there’s no Jiu Jitsu training due to some holiday, so no ‘forced’ exercise for me this week. Since I got back here, I exercise and move too less. I don’t know, but this place isn’t stimulating for me at all, it drags me down somehow.

Somehow I stood outside with the longboard in my hand before i realized what I was doing. The street seemed empty, so I started rolling down the street. I wanted to go on some lonely bicycle road nearby, but it’s an open field and there was so much wind. And so much mud, because the farmers are busy on their fields. There was so much wind I was pretty quickly tired and no matter how hard I pushed, I didn’t came so far. I looked forward to cruise peacefully for a while and make my head empty. Realitycheck: there is always wind, so don’t expect things to go easy here. For a short while, I kept on rolling. I already felt my legs and these thoughts popped up in my head: you won’t be able to keep up with this for long.

Now there is something else that is odd about everything; I skate goofy (right foot in front), which is not ‘obvious’ because that is my ‘strong leg’. Everywhere I read tips and such about this, is mentioned that your strong leg is supposed to be in the back for kicking off and the other one for the balance. With me, it’s the opposite, because I really can’t ride when I have my right / strong leg in the back. I can’t balance with my left leg, somehow. I tried this out, but it’s not going at all. Now that is not very spectacular, but it’s odd – I knew my body is out of balance, I noticed that with Jiu Jitsu too. So I guess maybe I should ask some pro for advice (but- I don’t have money for this, so I will have to figure it out myself somehow). There is a lot of work to do for my to get my balance and body in order. I knew, and it’s getting clearer with everything ‘new’ I try or do.

Well, anyway, after trying this, I decided to go back. A bit further farmers where busy and there was a lot of mud on the road, and this wind was too strong for me. So I rode back. This way was much better because I had the wind blowing in my back. Everything together, maybe I was away for 15 minutes, which is as good as nothing. But I guess it matters that I got out, even if it wasn’t so great and long, right?

Now I wonder how this will continue. This should make me motivated to work on my balance and body, but honestly? This doesn’t. It makes me want to hide away more from everything.

I need to make this life , work.

Reason. Purpose. Goals. Dreams. Wishes. Priorities. Motivation. Hope.

Last night, I came across this video : Every runner has a reason

A while ago, I came across these ‘motivational speech’ video(s) ( a few: video video 2 video 3 ).  There are loads more to find, I just mention a few here, random chosen.

If you want something enough, if you try hard enough, if you work hard enough, you will make it (?)

If you never give up on your dreams, if you keep following your heart, if you work hard enough, you will make it (?)

If you push yourself, if you keep on going, if you keep motivated you will make it (?).

So many stories to find of people who were in a sh*tty situation. So many got out and bling bling boom (this; doesnt mean I think they don’t worked hard for it!) – they made it. There they stand. The examples.

What’s the purpose of all of this? There are people, who are never going to make it. There are people , who just can not. No matter how hard they try, how hard they work, things aren’t working with them. If I see these videos, I’m truly happy for these people who made it so far, who came out of these sad situations, and they found a way to move on.

But at the same time, these videos make me feel awful. Awful about myself, that I can’t make it, that I can’t work hard anymore, that I can’t find the motivation, that I , lost my energy and trust in myself and don’t know who I am, where I fit, how I can make life work.

I don’t know. I don’t see it anymore. I have maps, a compass, books. But I can’t see it. My vision has blurred, even if I can still see clearly.

Keep the wheels rolling, but they are standing still.

skateboard

This is my skateboard. And I like it, though I don’t use it much. It just stands in my room being useless.

Keep the wheels rolling, but, my wheels are standing still. Without movement, no journey.

Why? Because there is something, that not only affects the go/not go skateboarding. That holds me back from doing more things. And prevented me from doing certain things in the past.

What that is? The opinions of other human beings. That probably sounds weak, but yeah, I guess that is the answer.

Somehow I have never felt free enough to do what I wanted to do. Somehow, that lasted for so long (many many years, if it is not my whole life)  that I even lost the things I wanted to do – they simply got out of sight. I just did not know anymore. If someone would ask me what purpose I had, or what I wanted to do? Seriously, I had no idea. I just did not know. Also, I didn’t feel like a real person, but was just a walking homo sapiens on the earth, actually it was more playing some invisible role in a movie. Deep inside, it has been bothering me. That I have never could be the real me, that I always had to hide certain things, that I didn’t have any encouragement to do the things my heart wanted to do. Often, I felt like I had no right to live or even exists, and adapted myself into an invisible role, making sure others were doing okay  and could achieve their goals, wishes, needs.

Somehow, opinions from other people hold me back. Even opinions in general, from people I don’t even know. Maybe it is weak to let those things have so much influence in your life, but I can not deny the fact that they do, because they affect me and hold me back.

Take skateboarding for instance. Especially now, since i’m a ‘grown-up woman’, it is “not done” to ride on a skateboard somehow. You can not do that without hearing comments on that, or whatever. Those comments are sometimes innocent, sometimes maybe because people do not know what to say, and sometimes they are an attack on the person you are. Judge and shoot. And for what?

This is just one small example. It counts and goes for so many more things. Why, do things like that happen? Why do we say things to people we don’t know and try to be funny/make fun of them or judge them about something they do while they are not affecting anyone or anything in a bad way? Why?

Do I judge too? Probably yeah. I’m not perfect. I do make mistakes. I make mistakes with people too. I misjudge sometimes too. I guess I’m afraid a human brain has traps like that. Also I’m no communication or nonverbal specialist and I make mistakes or misunderstand or say things in a way that is not the way I actually want to say it but are just clumsy and probably the message doesn’t reach the receiver like I wish it would. communication, is difficult. There are so many ways and the interpretation can be so different from person to person. Even if there seem to be general ‘standards’ they don’t go along in just every situation. So how can you ever do something right?

How far do you go in trying to achieve your own goals and needs?
Do you listen to the opinions of other people? Do they affect you? Do you let them hold you back from doing things? How do you find the power to go your own way, if everything arounds you seem to hold you back from doing them? Is that something in your soul where you have this drive and motivation for? Is that about loving yourself?

I just don’t know how to deal with these things. Somehow, no matter what, it is never right.