The Circus of Loneliness

The last week or so, I’m really feeling this weight pulling me down. I feel the depressed side of me,  and I try to work it out but this side and the other,  don’t seem to agree.

Since a week or so, I have a bit of trouble to sleep, I don’t want to eat anymore and I avoid cooking. I try to eat with others all the time, but end up eating frozen-meals (of course heated in the end) or pizza or something quick if that doesn’t work out. I go to the grocery store but messed up, like I’m not my usual self, sometimes I feel like I’m not real, I’m not the aware person I usually am. I feel like zombie.

I feel the emptiness in my life lurking around the corner. I reach the point where there is nothing to do, where nothing seems to matter. I know this is where a drop can start.

I’m trying to keep a bit busy, and find things to do. I clean the house, try to get rid of unneccesary stuff that is just in the way, move, go outside, see people sometimes, and I booked a flight to Corsica for October.

I always wanted to go to Corsica, so far I’ve never been. It will happen soon. I look forward to it I think, and yet it’s this bleak thing that will happen appearantly. I don’t really feel it. Or I do, but my feelings seem to be washen away a bit, like a jeans that is bleached. I don’t know. It’s a bit weird, not really nice.

Corsica is also home of the GR20, a hiking trails.  A part of that hiking trail, is called the Cirque de la Solitude, which means like the circus of loneliness. This name really attracts me, but this part of the trail is closed due to an accident a couple of years ago where more people died in bad weather circumstances.So I will not see it, nor go there, but I am really wondering about this place.

Last week I went to see a ‘new’ psychologist. The nurse I see sometimes got me a referral, because she will stop working at my doctors place and thinks I need more help. Probably I have to change again, because something changed in health insurance and in fact health insurance decides where you can go or not. But so far I could stay at this new psychologist, who I will see again in two weeks. I really don’t knwo what to think about it. I keep falling down. Crashing,crawling up, and it continues like this.

Anyway, I don’t know what to think about everything. I don’t believe I will ever get rid of all of this. I am too well to be sick, and too sick to be well.

I’m stuck, in my own cirque de la solitude.

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Autumn storm

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Since a couple of days, the weather really suits autumn; storm, lots of rain. Outside it’s dark and grey with streets covered in the yellowbrownorange sea of colored leaves. I’m lying in my bed and look out of the window; the branches of this pine tree are waving  and a few minutes ago a little bird was hopping through the tree, perhaps looking for a shelter.

I read some pages of the book “South of the border, west of the sun” by Haruki Murakami. A book I’ve read before, like all the works of Murakami, but it has been a while and this is the perfect situation for reading his books.

“But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair’.

(random quote from what I read today)

Last week, I found out that one friend had died. I remember the phonecall. Remember how I shaked for two hours. All the other things, that happened. A week has passed now, and what has changed and what has happened more? After the funeral, I went home again and that’s where I still am. I rarely left the house, just for groceries actually. Yesterdaymorning and this morning I went out for a walk through the stormy weather and the rain. No one around, everyone seems to want to stay inside – perfect. I’m happy that I have a good jacket for circumstances like this.

Last few days I also talked a lot with i-love-very-much-far-away-friend. I still cannot believe the impact she has and had on me. That –even if it seems far away and almost invisible right now, because it’s too long and too far away from me- I felt happiness. After a long time of emptiness. It is still hard to understand, but I’m happy she is part of the world. And now? I’m sitting here in the eye of a storm. Trapped. Inside a tornado, and you have no idea where it goes and you can’t step out of it. You can see the dreams flying around you, but they fly too far and high and fast to grasp. How do you know what the moment is to step into this tornado? I live, in the eye of a storm. Sitting and waiting, seeing and observing, but never going on the ride ittself. That is what is wrong with me. Waiting for movement, but I need to make the movement myself.