The pebblestone in the desert

Honestly, I guess I have to admit I don’t have much ‘life’. It’s one of these days again that everything is empty and life seems an endless torture to me. I’m sad, empty and angry at the same time, and yet nothing at all.

Life is just not for everyone. To have a house, to lead a peaceful life, that’s just not for everyone. Like a pebblestone that needs water to bounce, I’m like a pebblestone that ended up in the desert. You just fall, and sink away in the sand: that’s me.

Somehow it’s a rough time again. Family issues, and the more I think about it, the more sick I feel. Emotional traps, nasty games, and even if I’m not super close, it affects me more then I would like to admit. And I feel so sorry for my parents, who are hugely affected by it. When I was younger I was angry at them so many times. And now I understand it better. Some things you just don’t see when you’re young. That they were trapped and part of an unfair, nasty game. I feel sorry for them that their lives are so destroyed and affected. It’s bad to say, but I hope they will be finally free when the person who does that and who is left, dies. That’s terrible to say I realize and know. Yet I’m afraid I think it would really be that way, though they will not ever be free from it: some damage is done forever.

Work was also pretty shitty, it gets worse. I can’t even find the words for it to describe what is going on. But I feel tension going up and up, I feel more pressure and I feel like I’m falling apart. I doubt about things I should not doubt, and I think I do my work less good.

I drag myself at home. I wait for the train, stare in the emptiness of the station, even when it’s full of people. I sit on the train, feeling braindead. I drag myself home; trying to slalom between cars and bikes and walking people who all seem to be in such a hurry and seem to rule the world, where’s there no space for empty people like me.

I hide myself in bed and when the night falls, I go out to the grocery store. Immediatly when you walk in, the neon signs and advertisements jump into your sights. I get superannoyed by that lately; it’s too much. With a task that’s not so difficult; get your groceries together but feels like running a survivalrun, I dissapear into the night again, trying to avoid every other living human being and try to get home as soon as I can, to crawl away in my cave again. I don’t want to face anyone or anything anymore, I just want to be left alone, and yet my heart aches so badly that I don’t know what to do about it. I feel awful, I’m not hungry and I don’t pick up my phone when someone calls.

All I am, is the pebblestone in the desert.

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Sometimes there is no fix

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All you see is a drowned leaf in the water; it’s shallow, and clear, but there’s no way you could – or could have-  rescued.

There is no fix, for certain things.

Right now, I’m not having the best time of my life. I always have these periods, and I will always have them. I don’t believe they will ever dissapear. Because the not sleeping aka insomnia continued, and I really felt like I would break down, I went to the doctor. I have a new one, since I moved, and he’s a bit weird in some ways I guess, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with him. He prescribed me some sleeping pills – which is actually what I came for. Last night was the first night I slept again, not enough, but at least I slept.

I remember a part of the conversation. Of course he asked why I couldn’t sleep.

Stress. Stuff. Life. Work. All the usual things, I guess. And, life is just difficult for me. I find life difficult, and it might probably always stay that way.

What he could do for me? I said that I knew he can’t fix my problems. That I know no one can fix my problems, and that some things can’t be fixed. All I wanted was sleep, and so I needed medication now, and he is the key to that.

Because usually I can manage to fix – or control – things in my life.

But sometimes I can’t. And this was now.

I’m not feeling better, I’m feeling low. Just low, not even depressed. But all that I know is that some things, can not be fixed. Not now, not in the past, not in the future.

 

it’s all that i am

sadbear

 

The first thing you can’t miss is the darkness, or the void.
It’s like having two faces, or a faceless face.
A nothing becomes a huge void, and it grows so large that you can’t see the edges, no matter how long you stare. You can not really look for it either. You can only sense it.

There is nothing left to say, because this is all that I am. And everything that I am not.
Probably it doesn’t make sense if you don’t know the touch of it, but if you do, I do not even need to explain this. It’s harder to grasp than the darkness when the lights fall out. It’s harder to grasp because you can only know if you know.

And where the streets end into the wild, that is maybe where the peace comes back. Though the bitter truth is that you can’t escape it. Sometimes you want to fake it, because the pain becomes so strong that you can’t get rid of it. It’s a pain you can not fight.

you should have forgotten about me
I should have forgotten about you

but should is not the truth

and what keeps me on this line
and I hate it
and I appreciate it
maybe I love it, but I don’t know that now.

All I know is that it’s difficult. Like really difficult.

 

it’s kind of sad, i guess.

A lot of things going on and I could write about so much things. The world is a sad place. So is mine.

I’m feeling pushed, and that people around me don’t give space. And they seem to blame me for it.

Do they even understand what it’s like to feel depressed, that every day is a fight again and just living life is hard enough, but no, everyone wants you to make plans and future goals and whatever all these things, but it’s already hard enough to struggle through each single day. Without future plans, because they are simply too hard. Without goals, because they are simply too far, out of reach and they eat too much energy. Energy that is needed just to get through the day.

I am angry, and at the same time filled with apathy, sadness, sorrow, and a void.

I can not even talk about it, because it makes me too sad.

But I can say is that I feel under a lot of pressure. People pulling at me.

And I feel very alone. Like VERY alone.

I want to crawl away and hide, and not face anyone and not face the world and not live life. And that is not even possible. How pathetic. Seriously.

Sadness and sunshine

Today. Begins. With storm. After a while, the sun breaks through. Work went okay I guess, nothing special, just a lot of system failures. That sometimes, makes work almost impossible. I was not broken after work; that’s good. I could not manage to go to Jiu Jitsu. I don’t know why; it’s this overwhelming apathy that has a grip on me. There is no balance between work and the rest of my life. Maybe I will subscribe from Jiu Jitsu; I still pay, but I went two times in the past three months. Mostly because I do not manage to go after work. Usually I’m home too late; sometimes I’m not too tired, but it ends too late. Then I get in trouble the next day at work. So I skip. (And skip. and skip). Here I am. It’s sunny and beautiful weather outside  for a change, but inside of me is a dark rain cloud. Questions pouring out like heavy rain. Stop. Is this what I want? Is this how I want life to be? Is this how my future should be? I feel trapped. Because there does not seem to be much choice. Not much choice without guilt. I feel trapped in the system. Trapped in what the system wants me to do. This week I had my interview. No later than monday , I will know if I can stay or not. Temporary extentions, by 3 months. No steady contracts; steady contracts seem a rare species from the past in history books. They ask commitment, but don’t give you anything. Is this right? Pressure. So much pressure, for what? For a basic, miserable existence? I am cold again. Everything is numb. I go to work, I came home, and I feel nothing. No passion, no future, no past. I’m an empty void, an empty shell again. I know I’m the only one who can change it, or fight it. But what if you’re the only little oxygenbubble in outer space? How do you fight that?

I guess you don’t find: you just keep floating, for the rest of your life.

Toxic.

TOXIC

New year. New chances. New hopes.

New pressure. Again pressure. Pressure never really was away. Always lurking around the corner.

And especially today, I realize, or it has been made clear, that I’m in a very toxic environment.

I don’t have a home

I am not free

I can not be myself

I have no rights here

This life is living me and I can’t escape it

because I’ll be the one to put the blame

and it’s just wrong

I can’t get air
I can’t breathe.

Sometimes it seems like everything is working against me
There is no support for me
That I don’t deserve support
That I don’t deserve positive things
That I don’t deserve oxygen
That I don’t deserve space to be myself

I’m surrounded by poison

Very toxic poison.

I need an antidote.

 

(I’m truly sorry; Haven’t been able to keep up with blog world, nor read or respond; I’m in survival mode – but the best wishes out there, I truly hope the New Year started well for you all and will be a good year.)

The dominating emptiness

It’s over now, I’m cold, alone
I’m just the person on my own
Nothing means a thing to me –

This is a part of a song, by K’s Choice, a Belgian rock band. It’s from their song  “I’m not an addict‘, which hasn’t really anything to do with me, though these specific sentences describe pretty much how I feel, lately. This massive emptiness, is really not so nice somehow.

The last week has been a rough one – mainly struggling, struggling, struggling. I have been feeling depressed, and it has been a while I’ve been feeling this low. Along with these feelings actions come – or actually I should say: the lack of action. Because I don’t really act. In the morning, the first struggle was to get out of bed. Not one single day, I’ve been out of bed before 9.30 am, and some days it was 11.15 or something. Also, I skipped breakfasts, I think I only had breakfast once. Two days were really awful; I felt very low, not alert, and like I was living in a different world, that nothing seemed real, as if you’re behind a thick glass wall, can see the world around you, but never can be part of it; it just moves along, and there you are, trapped in this prison that no one can’t see and makes you not able to touch reality.

Today is the first day I finally seem to feel a bit better, not with these lows anymore, but I know I’m not safe and this emptiness is just around the corner. I can feel it, I can see it, I can sense it. Often, in times like this, I have a lot of trouble with making decisions. And it’s still very hard to make decisions, I can’t decide even the most simple things; my head spins and I just ‘don’t decide’ – so nothing happens. Not even what to eat, what to wear, what to buy in the grocery store. Even if I make a plan, everything messes up in the whirlwinds inside of my head. And I don’t know how to fix this – I haven’t found any solution, it happens, and I can’t see to do anything about it.

I know I will see the person I love soon, but it faded away – I don’t feel it in real anymore. It became a vague memory, and I want to feel this, and not this emptiness. I feel guilty I feel this way, I feel not fair, that it feels this way, but there doesn’t seem anything I can do about this – it seems too far away, I can’t touch it, it’s out of reach, I can’t remember the actual feeling that is so good. I can’t – I’m just filled with this stupid emptiness.

This week was also the last Jiu Jitsu training of the year – the gym closes the next two weeks because of holidays, so there is no training. I don’t really like this – I just want it to continue. It’s actually the only steady , regular thing I do in my life. Last week, we went to join a Taekwondo club, sometimes we have these ‘special trainings’. I didn’t have a good day and I was doubting a lot to go or not to go, but as I said I would come, I joined. The most people of the club I train with, (it’s not such a big club, very few people), cancelled so I ended up there with the trainers. They and the people there seem to know each other pretty well, and I felt a bit uncomfortable there. At a certain point, while I was standing a bit lost in the gym when everyone was talking here and there in little groups, and I didn’t really know what to do or where to go, the taekwondo trainer walked to me and said: please join somewhere, practise, or talk, because if you are here,  you are one of us. This made me feel even more uncomfortable, I said to him this ‘social part’ wasn’t my strongest part and that I would try. But I didn’t really try hard- well I just didn’t know how or what. But I did what I could manage, I guess. Maybe as well, I don’t think taekwondo is really ‘my thing’, but it was interesting to see and try it once. It’s more aggressive than what I do (that’s not aggressive at all and myself, I’m not aggressive at all either – I learned this about myself this year when I ended up in a situation (you can read about it here ) where I should have punched or kicked someone, yet, I didn’t do anything, but becoming angry and shaking from anger). This situation made me wonder a lot of things about myself – could I attack or defend myself when someone would harm me? I’m not sure. Physically, I could – I’m strong, I know I have a lot of strenght, maybe more than average, though strenght isn’t everything – technique, balance and such can be more effective. But my real actions in this situation?

Anyway, in the taekwondo training, I did learn a few exercises that could be helpful, but I will have to find the motivation and willpower to do them myself. I really would like to improve my Jiu Jitsu skills, and maybe even try and do martial arts – I wish I could go to something like that everyday. Yet I just go once a week. (well, I can’t even afford to go to something every day I guess). But with practising this, I just forget about everything else in my life for a little while. And I focus on balance and technique, and somehow I like it, to learn, even if I make mistakes. I feel the want to improve myself, and the want to control, to be able to control. I just hope I can make this work, and can continue with this before dropping out because of my general emptiness.

Sometimes nothing seems to matter, and feelings fade away from me.