The ocean of the invisible

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Waves growing enormously
letting the buoy dance against its will
but look further ahead, because the moment of silence
is
where the storm refills

From the distance, or from the field of the eye
it could look like a big pool of emptiness, just crushing waves
where a life could easily die

underneath there is a whole world
one that seems so quiet and so calm
you would not even wonder

But that, is the eye of the storm.

Trying to figure things out (again and again)

Lately I still have a lot of trouble to write, but I’m trying. Trying to clear things up for myself and trying to get out of this negative atmosphere, because depression is attacking me again. It’s like fighting a battle with an invisible enemy; it’s always lurking around, but you never know when it’s going to strike. You can’t really prepare, because it gets you in unexpected moments. It has been like that for a while. And maybe, when I’m honest, and if I see things right, my life has actually been like that for the last 15 years. Maybe more.

Right now I’ve been three weeks at home from work, and honestly? I don’t really mind. I don’t miss work. And I am not even sure if I even want to go back. But I find it hard to ‘calm down’ and relax.In 1,5 week I have to see a doctor about this. I have no clue what the outcome will be. He or she seems to be the only one who is allowed to give any decent advice.

The last few weeks I’m going a bit up and down, from neutral to down to okayish to down and back and forth. Sometimes I get grumpy for no good reason, and sometimes I have this weird ‘everything is too much’ in my head that really gives me insane behaviour and I walk around like crazy and have these weird sensations in my body. This is something I find superhard to control. Overall, I’m just tired and I tend to sleep all the time, but I don’t allow myself. I know it’s no good.

But there are a few things I want to change. Like a long time, I want to change. But I don’t really succeed. At least never for long. I don’t know why, but I seem to have a big big lack of motivation, of willpower. I just don’t understand how other people can keep up with things.

I have to figure out what I want. What my qualities are, and what kind of job would suit me or what I would like. Now that doesn’t sound so difficult, but it is. I don’t really know.

A couple of weeks ago I got myself an indoboard to train my balance, which I try to do regularly but it is still hard for me. I hope I can keep this up. My balance is not so great. Also, a couple of days ago I was at my parents house and they have a scale. I know I’m a bit on the heavy side, but I don’t have a scale and I don’t want to feel worse about myself so I never check. But I couldn’t help myself and weighed myself. Oops.  It has never been so high. This is bad. Like yeah, not good at all. I should at least lose 20 kilo’s. But I can’t really seem to lose weight. Like I have a hard time to let things go, my body also seems not really to be able to ‘let go’.

I have quit Jiu Jitsu a while ago. It was too difficult to make it all the time to get there (thanks to work a bit as well) and I’ve been feeling soooo disconnected from the others and making no progress, that it was too much frustration for me. I hadn’t been there in ages so I decided to stop, because I was paying for more than 6 months without having been there. It took a while but I finally managed to quit it officially.

Last week I bought a suspension trainer to hope to start a regular exercise and get my body in shape. So I have an option to train inside at home too. Still have to figure out how to attach it. Anyway, I just hope I will manage something. Because way back, I used to practise a lot of sports and it just feels so much better to be in shape. But to get there, seems like an almost impossible thing. I’m so tired, and so not in shape.

So far my inside thoughts. I will try to write something positive next time.

 

Silent sun

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Outside, there is life. Outside, there is sun. The brightness and happiness, and where life happens.

Inside, there is me. Inside, there is darkness. A world of apathy, numbness and no energy.

A world where a smile hurts. A world where nothing seems to matter.

I pretend I see the sun, and just remain silent.

Closer to the pain

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An alarm clock, and it’s dark outside.

I hear the wind, and the rain.

A brand new day, a brand new day of misery.

eating breakfast like everything is allright

a shower and the trip to work.

Fake smiles,

pretending everything is okay

but inside stings

reveal the pain.

and trying to hang on so hard

but the pressure is enormous

and every day, again and again

a brand new day starts.

A brand new day.

‘but you don’t try ‘

So. After my little breakdown yesterday I tried to get myself together today. I couldn’t sleep very well, and I couldn’t go to the office in the morning somehow. Simply moving my body felt like running 5 marathons with weights put on your head. So I messaged with some kind of excuse I would be later. Well excuse, it was a valid one – I have some ‘work’  at my place right now for this organization you could say, as in doing a mountain of laundry. But invalid because instead of folding the laundry, I stopped after folding some sheets and lay down on bed. I lay there until the morning became an afternoon, and I dragged myself to the office. Of course, there is nothing to do for me there, but somehow it seems to be expected that I just sit there as office decoration and smile and that should supposed to be fun. Great huh? (And no, I don’t get paid, since this is a voluntary thing actually, just to tackle to possible comments how great it is and how lucky some people think I could be to get paid for doing nothing – don’t worry, if it would be like that I would be happy to trade since I rather do something then do nothing at all on long terms- it makes me very unhappy.)

Last week I decided (myself, I didn’t inform anyone yet at this point) that I needed a break from here, and so I will leave this place by end of this week. I don’t know when I will get back, but for sure, I will stay away for a week. I don’t know how things will be after that, all I know is that I have to get out of here.

Today I finally found a moment (and the guts) to start about it. That I felt useless, unhappy and that I thought I was not the right person for this place. That I have a lot of trouble to adjust here, in the organization AND in this place. That I don’t see a future here and that I can not continue like this because it is driving me insane. That everything seems pointless, no matter what I do or think. Oh yeah, there is work, but no one really seems to be wanting to work (well, a bit perhaps but it goes SLOW and takes time, a LOT of time). It goes too slow for me I guess. And everything is so difficult since there are always so many things working against – I can not deal with that. So I tried to explain that, but I don’t think the message was clear, though they said ‘ I understand you’, but I don’t believe they did.

I tried to tell them that I find it very difficult to do something useful and that I lost my motivation and that I don’t feel so good. (It is actually terrible but I will not express that way in real life very quickly, especially not in the work environment).

But of this difficult and uneasy conversation, I remember one thing:

But you don’t try.

As a respond on that I found it so hard to blend and adjust in the town here. Seriously, I tried, but I can not and didn’t find any connection to people here and that is not with blaming anyone, there is really no one to blame, things are the way they are, anyway I told that I could be the problem very likely and that I thought I might not be the right person for this place.

But the response was; But you don’t try.

Well, that is half correct. Indeed, I don’t try ANYMORE.

I’m too tired. I feel depressed. I’m exhausted. I feel too disconnected. I don’t have energy to fight this. But it feels like another finger pointing at me. That I’m the one to blame. That the problem is me. That I am the problem.

But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.