So. After my little breakdown yesterday I tried to get myself together today. I couldn’t sleep very well, and I couldn’t go to the office in the morning somehow. Simply moving my body felt like running 5 marathons with weights put on your head. So I messaged with some kind of excuse I would be later. Well excuse, it was a valid one – I have some ‘work’ at my place right now for this organization you could say, as in doing a mountain of laundry. But invalid because instead of folding the laundry, I stopped after folding some sheets and lay down on bed. I lay there until the morning became an afternoon, and I dragged myself to the office. Of course, there is nothing to do for me there, but somehow it seems to be expected that I just sit there as office decoration and smile and that should supposed to be fun. Great huh? (And no, I don’t get paid, since this is a voluntary thing actually, just to tackle to possible comments how great it is and how lucky some people think I could be to get paid for doing nothing – don’t worry, if it would be like that I would be happy to trade since I rather do something then do nothing at all on long terms- it makes me very unhappy.)
Last week I decided (myself, I didn’t inform anyone yet at this point) that I needed a break from here, and so I will leave this place by end of this week. I don’t know when I will get back, but for sure, I will stay away for a week. I don’t know how things will be after that, all I know is that I have to get out of here.
Today I finally found a moment (and the guts) to start about it. That I felt useless, unhappy and that I thought I was not the right person for this place. That I have a lot of trouble to adjust here, in the organization AND in this place. That I don’t see a future here and that I can not continue like this because it is driving me insane. That everything seems pointless, no matter what I do or think. Oh yeah, there is work, but no one really seems to be wanting to work (well, a bit perhaps but it goes SLOW and takes time, a LOT of time). It goes too slow for me I guess. And everything is so difficult since there are always so many things working against – I can not deal with that. So I tried to explain that, but I don’t think the message was clear, though they said ‘ I understand you’, but I don’t believe they did.
I tried to tell them that I find it very difficult to do something useful and that I lost my motivation and that I don’t feel so good. (It is actually terrible but I will not express that way in real life very quickly, especially not in the work environment).
But of this difficult and uneasy conversation, I remember one thing:
But you don’t try.
As a respond on that I found it so hard to blend and adjust in the town here. Seriously, I tried, but I can not and didn’t find any connection to people here and that is not with blaming anyone, there is really no one to blame, things are the way they are, anyway I told that I could be the problem very likely and that I thought I might not be the right person for this place.
But the response was; But you don’t try.
Well, that is half correct. Indeed, I don’t try ANYMORE.
I’m too tired. I feel depressed. I’m exhausted. I feel too disconnected. I don’t have energy to fight this. But it feels like another finger pointing at me. That I’m the one to blame. That the problem is me. That I am the problem.
But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.