I’m not okay but I try to take care of myself

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I am not okay. I am really not okay.

I’m having a hard time to keep standing. To keep functioning.
But I’m afraid I will crash. I try to take care of myself the best I can.

Yet I feel myself slipping away. I’m fighting this for a couple of months now.

If it stays like this, I will have to arrange something with work. Because I can’t keep working fullime. Or maybe even 8 hours a day : it’s so hard and exhausting.

But work doesn’t know anything. And if I go to the doctor, then what?

On a waiting list for months again? But what can they actually do against depression? Not so much, because it’s like waiting for the storm to pass. Getting on zombiemedication again, trying for months and years till finally something works and getting on a lot of weight again that never got off before? It’s not healthy and dangerous too.

I feel like there is not really a choice. I don’t want to gain weight again. Other healthrisks.

I don’t want to be a zombie again. And I don’t want this depression to take over me.

But it’s hard. I’m really trying. But I feel lonely in this war.

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