The phonecall (and a busy day)

The last few days I’ve been feeling quite depressed. I still do not feel great, though there’s a bit space to breathe right now: I got the job!

This afternoon I had a missed phonecall (was in the car) and I saw the number and I knew who it was. This could mean two things: I was rejected or I would get hired. *panic*. After 20 minutes I decided to call back. The lady asked me how the interview went, so I told her that I felt really bad after it and that it didn’t was so great in my eyes. Then she said: Well, they thought different about that. *HUH?*.

Yeah, they want to give me a contract. Next week I will have to sign. I will start in the 2nd week of March and I will have a job untill the 2nd week of May. So it’s temporary, but it’s something right. I hope I can get some financial space again – I hope the training for this job goes well and I can do it, because even if I sign, there’s nothing sure of course and there is always this period of trial, or however you say that in English.

I’m not sure how I feel now. I’m afraid a bit I can’t do this job, I’m not smart enough, or things like that.

So. Other thing I went today is to a specialist for compression stockings for my ‘sick’ leg. I went to another person, because I didn’t like the previous one very much (she gave me wrong information and she would give me my measures of the last years at least 3 times but I never got them). This new lady was someone with a lot of experience in this field and she asked for the history, so I told her the story about my leg (Erisypelas, Thrombosis, and the pulmonary embolism after) and that I started wearing this thing very late, because no doctor told me about this, and I had to figure out myself about the need of a compression stocking and such, and that I had a lot of questions still. Parts of my leg swell if I don’t wear this thing and the color of my leg is different, also I have some minor issues with my toe. She explained to me that this is internal damage. But I never had a proper check in this, is beacuse of the healthcare system – the insurance system wants to put everything in systems and you get so much money and things for a ‘patient’, so this means limited things. Aand this confirmed my thoughts – you can not assume you get the care you need. They should have checked me properly in the beginning, but they didn’t even mention this to me, and the checks I had I mostly asked for myself. As well, in the beginning I really didn’t know what to do because I didn’t know anything about this. It’s sad that you get sick you can’t believe and trust the doctors opinions.

Well,  I will never get rid of this compression stocking – but I can live with that, it’s what I thought myself already somehow. It doesnt look sexy, but I do not dare to let it of, I am very scared that I get issues with it again and I really don’t want this. Luckily, I took the right decisions in the past to keep wearing these things, even if the doctor told me I could leave it off after two years. This lady, the specialist, told me it was very wise of me not to do so, that I didn’t listen to the doctor, because of these blue spots- she said that this is a sign of internal damage , and especially because  I had both ‘worse things’ – erysipelas and thrombosis, I probably have double damage – the vessels and the lymphatic system) and It might be bigger then we think. I will also keep the same compression pressure class, because its safer. This means; expensive, handmade stockings. I can only have 2 a year, not more (this is not enough- the power decreases, its the same if you have to do a whole year with only 2 pair of socks ). But the insurance doesnt allow – they dont care if you need it or not. The stupidest thing is that I actually end up paying myself because of the ‘own risk’ policy. And these things are not cheap at all. But since I will have a job now, it will be a little bit easier.

But the good news so far; I’m going to try a new brand, AND this brand I was able to choose a color! This wasn’t possible with the old ones, they are ugly brownish, I felt a bit old with these things, but okay, in summer it’s not so obvious and some people notice it very late that I have something on my leg, so far that’s good. But I get a black one too now! I’m superexited about this. The lady said they paint it, and that this paint actually keeps it more stiff for a longer time in comparison to the not painted one, whcih is good for the pressure. So I’m really exited about trying these new compression stocking out! It’s maybe stupid to be exited about, but somehow it makes me a little bit happier.

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Fears

Today I got confronted with something that gets me from time to time. And I am not sure how to deal with these things; I’m not so good in it.

Somehow, I seem to be quite sensitive for the feelings, emotions and worries of others. I don’t like this because it can really affect my  mood and it can give me lots of anxiety and stress. Seriously, I wish I could be more neutral and keep these things a bit more on a distance, but I don’t know how.

THings like this happened before, and it makes me think that in case of emergency, I will be totally useless because I will freak out. I don’t know, it’s just what I think.

My dad, a guy who always works and never called in sick, seems scared today. He had some physical issue today which makes him worried and affraid. And this , gives me anxiety too, and it worries me. Nothing is clear yet about what is ‘wrong’, he will have to go see a doctor first. Maybe nothing is wrong, maybe there is. Reading about things what it could be doesn’t make it better for sure.

But these things trigger something inside of me. It’s not only this situation; this happens in other situations too. And I wonder why am I so sensitive to it? Why do I feel so much anxiety, stress and chaos inside of me that I (feel like) I can not act normal and I’m too stressed. How are you supposed to deal with things? What do these things cause in you? How do you act?

It’s similar when someone else is sad. Somehow these emotions get me.

If you can, and want to, please share your thoughts or experiences or knowledge if you like. This is really bothering me and I would appreciate it very much  to hear some other thoughts, opinions or experiences . Thanks in advance.

Thoughts about food, Forks over Knives and seaweed burgers

 A while ago, I came across some articles and documentaries related to food; The China Study, the documentary Forks over Knives and Seaweed burgers
It’s crazy to realize and think about how much crap there is added in food, how much there is messed with food, one of our basic needs.
It’s not so common anymore to find healthy food in the nearby grocery store, since there are added all kinds of chemicals, additives and I don’t know what else more. It;s crazy what happens with food – I don’t know everything (and I probably don’t want to), but I know that food is not just ‘food’ anymore. Watermelons injected with water to make them heavier and sell them for a higher price, meat injected with water for the same reason, the whole proces of food has turned in , well, I think, not so good ways.
We can’t trust what is written on the packages because companies seem to be able to hide things or write “healthy’ on it while its not so healthy at all. And it’s even more crazy that governments allow this. Food, is one of our basic needs, and a lot of food around us seems to be full of crap.
I know too less about all details to know what exactly is good and not, but I surely believe there is too much bad food around. As well how to realize how some factories where they produce meat work, it just makes me sick. And it’s crazy we have to do a research like hell about everything (about food, but also about other things) just because people seem to not care about what’s best for everyone, but about their own profits and how to make the most of it even if that means producing things that have bad effects on others or make them like a slave (for example a part of the clothing industry).  All of these things going on in the world, bother me. They arise so many questions. What are we doing? Is it so weird some people don’t trust anyone? Not really, I think.
Someday, I hope to be able to grow my own food. To live in an environment where I can trust. To live in a place where quality and health and peace and life are more worth and comon than making profits and adding additives and chemicals and such.

Oxygen, oxygen.

Since a couple of days the weather got really weird. Well, maybe that is actually for more then a couple of days, say two weeks or something. Ever since I left for Macedonia (to attend a training course) the weather changed in weird ways. There was snow in Macedonia, and not just some little snowflakes, but real snow, that made your whole foot and a part of your leg dissapear in the snow with a single step.

Anyway, I got back from Macedonia and I haven’t written about life for some while and that kind of had a reason I guess. At first the lack of internet and a computer, but second the complexity of feelings and thoughts that where playing a large role in my days. I went abroad for a reason, and I don’t have regret so far since I did not feel at home in the country where I grew up, honestly I feel like I have no right to exist there and I am a complete waste of time, space, energy and I should feel guilty about existing there and also since that I can not seem to find a way to live there or be part of ‘ life’ or however you should call it. That I had so much trouble to find a job (or even with applying) or do something with life, could not even rent a simple room like most students can manage, that I lived with my parents and was sitting at home all the time, and my income was 0,0 and I even failed to get any benefits or help. No, it was my own fault so I am the one to blame so I should feel guilty, that is what the country seemed to wanted me to feel. Well, thanks. (anyone wants my passport? I’d be happy to trade it).

Well anyway, here, things are different for sure,. In good and bad ways. I feel less guilty, since there is less pressure in certain ways. There is pressure, just different pressure. Here I feel, it is okay that I did not make it, that I are not able to make some kind of living or whatever, since there are so many other people like that here. The feeling of guilt is less here and that gives me a bit more space to breathe in certain ways. I still don’t know a lot of things, and still life is not easy, but this breathing space and different kind of pressure is something that is a good thing I think. The most of the days I have nothing to do and since there is not so much around here, and I don’t own a car or any form of motorized transportation, it is hard to get out of here (less public transport). So most of the times, I try to survive the days here as well. And fight these traps of emptiness and nothingness and try to avoid depression, which is clearly not working out so great, but I’m trying. There is not so much work to do and I just try to keep myself occupied, I bought some books but I read all 3 of them in 2 days so I’m out of them already. I ordered some new ones but the postal system is not too fast here so it will take some while before they reach me. Also I find it hard to interact with the people, there are not so much people that seem nice to interact with (with saying that I don’t mean that the people are not nice), everyone is just too busy with their own life and the most people are or a lot younger or a lot older than I am and I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem to go along too well. I am not a person who easily talks with everyone, I can be easygoing I guess but that is not something that happens often, I have to feel comfortable with the people and sometimes you connect with people and sometimes not, that is just how things go.

Maybe I should go on more trips during weekends, take a bus and stay overnight in a hostel (that is almost a must since travel takes long and there are not so many busses especially not during weekends). I had good times before when I went away for a couple of days off to Sarajevo and I had a good time in Skopje where I stayed longer after  I attended the training in another part of Macedonia. Those things were actually little victories for me: going alone, in a hostel (that seemed so not for me but somehow I found really nice hostels) and going around the cities alone, taking busses I don’t know alone, eating alone, and such things,  without feeling too bad.

Since a couple of days the weather got very very stuffy here that makes me feel stuffy too. And that brings doubt about my health as well. Probably I freak out too soon about my health, I mean there are more people around who have breathing problems and such, so maybe I should not make a big deal of it. My heart rate seems to be much better but suddenly my blood pressure went from a high to an almost (on the limit) low blood pressure and I have no idea why. I adapted my medication to it and that seems to get better but it makes no sense to me. Anyway I started keeping track of my heart rate and blood pressure every day and so far I noticed on bad days, days with lots of stress or doubts or confused feelings, it seems to be much higher.

Yesterday I struggled a bit. I felt very stuffy and depressed. But my health seemed to be okay. It was a Sunday without plans; I had no idea where to go or what to do. I was just sitting at my flat staring outside at the abandoned hotel across the river, when I decided I should go out for a walk, to move. It took me a couple of hours to get ready and actually leave the place, which was very hard to do. The start of the walk was terrible; I felt so stuffy and the weather was absolutely not helping: It was so humid. But I continued. And ended up walking for 3 hours, through what I think is the most beautiful route in this town, also the less hilly one. On the way I came across a few people, which somehow seems to be so uncomfortable lately. I never know what to do; do I have to greet them? Just walk past them and say nothing? Should I to make eye contact? Well all those tiny, probably simple things make me doubt so much I feel so uncomfortable I just wish I would not meet or come across anyone.

The walk was good, ( I will try to add some pictures later). I got back just in time before a thunderstorm broke out and when rain was pouring down like hell. The street turned into a river. I sat down again on the couch and stared outside. The day almost ended in a depressing being locked inside your house day. An hour later, I was still sitting there. With a lot of struggle I got up and put another pizza in the oven. No. 3 of this week. I couldn’t bother to go out or get some proper food. Pizza with artificial, plastic mushrooms. Yum (right?). It was not even 8 o’ clock and I wanted to go to sleep. But If I would go to sleep now, I would be early awake tomorrow. And yeah, that is a bit of a problem. What about tomorrow? sigh.

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All that is left, is chaos.

Where are my keys? I just saw them. Where is my phone? I had it an hour ago. Where is the charger of my mp3 player? Where is my shirt? Oh no, forgot to pay this bill. How could I even forget about it, it is on my desk for 2 weeks. I should arrange my room and put everything away since im leaving soon.Should vacuum. Should get ready. Should print my ticket. Should put labels on my luggage. Want to avoid last minute stress. Plenty of time to get ready, so why can’t I just make everything ready? But I just can’t.

Texts coming in, but I can not bother to answer. Pressing the buttons is too much work. Im staring at them as they are foreign languages I can not understand. I should answer them, but somehow, I can not.

I open my mailbox. Empty. It’s a good and a bad thing I guess. The only e-mail I got last week was some advertisement stuff of a bookstore I used to buy books long ago. People I used to talk to, exchange e-mails with, slipped  far away from my world somehow. Sometimes I open a new e-mail, and try to write something to someone, but after one sentence I don’t know what to say to them anymore. And since the sentence is quite meaningless (Imagine that like “Hi, how are you doing’)  I close it again.

I am empty, and my words have become empty as well. I turned into a forgotten book without a content. People don’t want to be in touch with empty shells like me. And why should they? There is nothing interesting or nice to be in touch with persons like that right? I turned into a zombie. Someone with so many doubts and doesn’t know what to say or do anymore.

The whole day I sat in silence. Somehow I can not turn music on. It doesn’t fit somehow. I feel so overwhelmed, but from what? There is nothing. This makes no sense. Everything is too much. Can you burn out from doing nothing?

Everyday I see the same environment. I do the same things. I see the hopeless things around me and they are not changing. I know I am the one who has to make action, but I’m a battery who ran out of fuel. And that fuel I need to re-charge, seems unavailable.

The smallest thing turns me into despair and extreme frustration. I try to tell myself to remain calm, that this will pass, but none of those things seem to help. Something inside me says: watch out, watch out, you have to watch out, what you are doing right now is dangerous, you have to take care of yourself before things really get out of hand. But I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do.

Lost emotions. Lost soul. I don’t exist. A walking collection of cells. Disfunctional cells. A nobody. A nobody. A nobody…I am losing this battle. It is a war where everywhere around seem to be plenty of weapons, but I don’t have acces to any of them.

The burning eyes

Image

Burning eyes, red as the fires of hell

prepared wood constantly set on fire

Like every living creature lost in a desert

crying for water, trapped in barbed wire

not being able to move an inch

it burns it burns, and stings

every pore is screaming for relief

Please,  just shut down temporary

and for a moment, very brief,

My eyes try to close

blocking all incoming traffic

just seconds

before the fire sets in again, and burns.

Sunglasses in the dark

sunglasses

10.30 pm. Outside, the dark has settled in for hours now. Lights are switched on. And here I’m sitting with sunglasses on. Probably looking like an alien. The sunglasses seem to be my saviour, together with my eye drops and ointment.

Even though these things do not belong to the basic needs of a human being, they feel like basic needs I definitely need at the moment,  to get through a day a bit nicely. My eye drops and ointment do not seem to help enough and the sunglasses do not take away as much as I would like to, but they seem to make things a bit more comfortable.

My eyes have been irritating pretty badly for a couple of days now. Not the first time that happens, but the eye drops and ointment worked out well enough untill a couple of days ago. Now I must say my eyes are pretty sensitive already, and I have this eye condition (blepharitis) where eyelids inflame and such, what is not too nice either. But now, the eyes started to irritate / get red / dry as well, and that is sooo not a nice combination. (I’ve been to the doc for a check on my eyes, and thats how I got the eye drops and ointment, so I’m not just messing around completely)

Spending much time behind computerscreens and tv’s and such, seems to be a ‘no go’, or something I shouldn’t do too much. But since my life is pretty empty it’s next to going to the gym, my only distraction and hard to avoid.

A day ago, I found some things about ‘computer’ glasses, ‘special-purpose eyeglasses’ meant to optimize your eyesight when you’re looking at digital screens and designed to reduce glare and such what ‘seems’ to help for irritated, red and dry eyes and such. They are not so easy to get where I live, unfortunately only online options, and they are not too cheap, so I am wondering, fellow bloggers (or readers):  does anyone of you have experience with these things (the glasses, or what to do with these kind of eye issues)? If so, I would really appreciate it when you would like to share your experiences .