Living what life?

Imagine. But it’s a truth.

I have a day job.A changing amount of hours every week. Nothing steady, nothing fancy.   Permanent contracts out of the question . It’s not the question if you have to leave or not:  the question is when.

It’s not a special job: everyone could do it I guess, there is no special degree needed for it, though when they make selections, they kind of pretend it that way.

Despite that the colleagues are nice, I guess the job is not making me happy at all. I keep telling myself that it could be worse, and seriously, this is not the worst job I had. In fact it’s the best, as you speak in friendliness and payment. But that, is not everything.

And however I make enough to support myself, it will not, or never,  make me rich. It will not help me to buy a house or something. It will just help me to pay the bills, and lead a moderate life in terms of – yeah, in terms of what exactly?

Work became something I don’t look forward to anymore. It became dull, unrewarding, and the days become longer, though in minutes they didn’t expand at all. I feel like a robot, a part of a system that isn’t really a good one, but, that’s something you should’t care or question about; it just makes things more complicated for yourself.

there are a lot of indications that this isn’t the job that makes me happy.It gets harder in time. I get headaches, I’m tired, and I care less, I lost my motivation. I try to do things right, but it’s never right anyway and hard working doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s not even notices. Maybe I would really like to find a job in my field of interest, but I don’t really know what my field of interest is. Often people say that is bullshit, but I’m really not sure myself.

As well I always feel like I’m not qualified enough or there is too much asked in a profile which I’m not. Also this game of who’s the best candidate, and all this fancy stuff, isn’t my thing. Sometimes I wonder about going back to study, but it’s unsure how I could afford that or support myself. And if I could make it, with my mental struggles. I guess I have motivation issues. It’s not that I don’t want, I’m not sure exactly what it is. It just makes things complicated. I also wonder if the degree or certificate would help anyway- I don’t think so). It would be just lost money. But what am I working towards to? To keep working like this and supporting myself to rent a house and buy food and keep that going for 20 or 30 years?
I passed the point where all the questions and thoughts keep me from sleeping. It became normal part of my life. Where simply a year ago these things would keep me up , they became a part of me – they don’t keep me from sleeping, but just continue during my sleep.

I wish I could explain how I feel. But the truth is: I’m not sure myself.

All I know is that I struggle to find my words, to find my feelings, to find the change.

All I know is that what you are reading, are just words to you, but it’s blood of my soul.

And all the words that I can’t find, are frustrating me that I can’t get them out.

That I can’t find the step to change. That I can’t do things different.

that I don’t know what I feel. That I dont know what i want.

That I just can’t make things better for myself.

What am I living?

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Dissapointments. (I.guess.)

Today seems to be a bit of a dissapointing day. I’ve been trying to start working on changes in my life again. I need something to do, instead of sitting in a room in a house that is not mine, where I have to adjust all the time , and where I’m slowly spending my savings because I have no income.This would be a better year for me, I kind of promised myself; better than the last few years who haven’t been too nice.

Today I started searching for jobs again. I woke up, with a neutral feeling, like  “yeah, today I can try, today I will try’ without any signs of depression. But now the day is ending, I sit here, feeling anxious, stressed, and maybe a bit down.

The jobs I found are definitely not ‘me’ – the requirements, I never fit into them ( they ask for too many things I do not have – papers and such), they asp specific for students (i’m not), they mention an age limit (someone betwee 16 and 21 – I’m not) and so on and on.

I came across another volunteer program, but they have an age limit of 27. Sheesh, Is really life over when you’re 30 or older? Or is it that you supposed to have life in order that you dont need these things anymore. Of course not, yet, that’s how it looks.

Again, this stream of thoughts in my head breaks loose.You’re diploma is useless. You’re useless, no one sees any value in you, you see, you fit in nowhere, there is no place where you fit. And so on. I don’t know, these things are particularly difficult somehow.

Be accepted. Have a chance. Yet, this seems to be very difficult.

Thoughts are spinning around my head about this. About death. This has been in my head lately, that I’m superafraid to lose people around me. I don’t know why this is so strong now, I can feel worried sometimes about losing people around me and there is not a particular reason for. My friend’s death last October maybe. I don’t know.And yet I feel that I don’t have a right to use this as a reason, since we were not superclose friends or something. Meh, this is weird.

I feel pressure on me. Physically, my body is also stuck. Very tensed. I notice this, so this is a warning sign. I notice it also when I practise Jiu Jitsu, which didn’t go so well lately, and where even my mood seemed to sink and I think of quitting.

I try to do some things today that will be okay. Try to do some small things that make me feel like I did something today. But it’s just so hard sometimes. And then there comes a tomorrow. What to do with it? What to do. With. it.