S-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g

The interview from last post did not lead to a different job. That was really okay actually, because I was not sure if this would be a better job for me.

I’m really struggling at work. And with life.

Work is really so not nice. It takes so much energy to pass just 3 hours a day at the moment. This was the first week of 3 hours a day. And I’m not even really doing something. How am I going to make it to the end of July? I tried to get holidays in July because I still have hours, but the question is if there is space to give me off. Blah.

I am not sure if I want another job.

I am not sure where I want to go, or what I want to do.

I don’t know what is wise to decide; stay called in sick or call in better for a while and get unemployment pay, but lots of other things I have to do. Or quit everything myself and just go and not have any money.

Sometimes I feel a bit angry and I hate money and all this pressure and these rules.

It doesn’t matter how hard you work, at least not in my case, because where did it lead me? Nowhere. I can’t even be safe moneywise or house-wise.What’s the point? Really.

All I can think of now, is that I would like to be somewhere with a tent on a piece of grass, with a view on water and trees, blue skies and some sun, and not worry about anything. That is what I want. And I want it to last. Not just for 4 days.

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Diamond skies

While driving on the freeway, I dreamed away – still noticing and watching the traffic of course, but  sometimes, when I drive, I feel completely free and happy. Moving in this weird world, but moving, and no one can stop me. No one will question me, since I am moving. The sounds, the temperature, the views, it all can be so peaceful, in some ways.

While driving on an almost empty expressway, listening to music, looking at the trees that surround the road.  Suddenly I noticed how beautiful the sky was – the sun, surrounded by all these clouds, with such beautiful light – the sun had a private sky, blinking in this cloud field.

This was an image, I wish I could have captured. But it’s captured in my head. Probably I will forget exactly how it felt, how it looked, like with most of the things – even if you want to remember them so real and badly, they fade away with time.

I took an exit, and smiled. Pleasant images in my head. It couldn’t have been more perfect. I thanked the sun, and smiled again, just for you.