The face without the picture

 

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The winter tends to blow apart –
where autumn reminds the flowers to drop their leaves
it’s not the time, yet.

in the hallway, there is a bookcase,
dark brown, from wood,
old books, a vase, and a picture frame
where it should –

stand alone
or stand together
It’s a frameless frame for what it matters
And what you see is what you get

The life without the heart
A rain that doesn’t wet.

I forgot how it was

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Shifting sands, there I was, on the beach.
Standing alone, straight up in the wind.
The big endless sea, threatening these waves in my direction
But I won’t
step aside.

As the sun used to rise
And as the moon used to be around here
As the dark is becoming day
And the light dissapear

It’s the perfect place to be
I just forgot how
it feels.

 

Where the eye can’t see, the head can’t look.

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A perfect silence drawing the sky
Flashes and lightning where darkness can’t be shy
Wilderness hidden in the depths of the woods
For every leaf that’s taken
and every forgotten moods
It’s just out of the fields, where deers come at night
Where the rabbits hear thunder
That is where it might.

Catching flows

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Once, I was a ferry,

covered in fresh paint and oiled mechanisms

and I was not this sinking ship,

Thrown back by my passengers and owners,

who I used to move forward on their daily trips

 

Once, I carried, and  sailed over the river,

wasn’t stuck like this on the shore

And now I’m rotting away and

I don’t know where I belong or what to do anymore.

 

The factory

On the other side of
the river banks,
behind this dirty water
full of dangerous flows,
is the place where the wild has taken over,
forgotten, most.

In the picture of infinity,
in distance traffic shows
all the signs of ignorance
invisible resistance grows.

A long forgotten cable
connects these neglected worlds,
and no one really notices it
but this is where a future swirls.

The Pancake Tree

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Under the sun, in a forest with one tree,

in a dense place where it’s hard to find and rare to see

There is standing a weird one: the pancake tree.

In loneliness it continues invisible work

Trying to provide forgotten, empty, lost souls

But all that happens, is that it’s freshly baked pancakes

fall in to the deep black never ending holes.

 

The Tangerine Birthday

Around a year ago (probably a year and a few days maybe, but for sure it’s a year now) I found out that I forgot about this thing:

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Tangerine. Somehow I forgot about it, left it in my backpack and found it a couple of days later in a state I didn’t want to eat it anymore. Do not ask me why, but I decided to keep it and see what happened to the tangerine.

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Above all expectations, it didn’t mold, it didn’t smell, it just stayed, shriveled and changed colors. The tangerine is still sitting in front of my window being the awesome indestructable tangerine. Happy birthday, tangarine!

Lost dreams and some kind of sorrow

Aside

My thoughts are kind of spinning in my head so I’m probably not making a very coherent story now.. I can not seem to find the right words I would like to write, but I guess it’s better to let out something that is not perfect or exactly how I wish it would be instead of making my head more spin.
Sometimes, on -melancholic days, my mind wanders around in a world without a map. Often I get lost in that world. It’s something that happens regularly, what makes things hard on one side, but on the other side, is necessary to be/ stay alive somehow.
Sometimes that just happens without any particular occasion, sometimes it’s caused by something that was on the news or happened or is going on in the world. Sometimes a lot of things that are happening / going on in the world bother me. Not only really very specific matters (well of course some specific matters too), but a lot of things. Though lately, it seems like my brain kind of decided to ‘shut down’ somehow and it also prevents me from being able to express or bring into words what is going through my mind.
Sometimes hearing or reading or seeing something can make my head spin like crazy and make me doubt about just everything. What I try to do is try to look at things at different perspectives and try to understand and try to search “the truth” (realize that is a hard thing) and what happens is that many questions appear about just everything.
Sometimes that gets so intensive (or ‘badly”) I feel like I’m going to drive insane because of it and there’s a tornado inside my head. Sometimes something happens inside that brain, that prevents me from even making the most simple decisions.
Like…can’t decide what kind of clothes to wear because nothing seems right (and I know it doesn’t really matter that bad but yet it does),can not seem to decide if I walk left or right when I leave the door, get overwhelmed standing in the grocery store buying food….
Even if I’ve made a list before going to the grocery store, at a moment like that, it doesn’t help at all. I step into the store, telling myself to keep calm and that things will work out and that all I need to do is just buy some food. But then I am in the store, I see thousands of possibilities what makes making a choice impossible, or prices aren’t right or something is sold out or whatever, but when that happens I always end up feeling pretty miserable. Sometimes I find myself just standing in a grocery store and wondering and observing people how they behave, how they act, and how they seem to make their choices. Honestly, I’m not sure why I do that. Because it never really helped me out of it. But well, we all have our ‘crazy things’ I guess.
Sometimes certain things I see or read make me think. Think about many aspects of life. Sometimes about dreams, forgotten dreams, dreams coming true, lost hope. Things like that. Dreams people have in their lives. Achieving and fulfillment. Searching for ways to work on dreams. Giving up. Hope. Not giving up…..
Sometimes it looks like dreams in my life never existed. Not sure if I ever had them. Sometimes some kind of questioning starts, okay, sometimes there are things that I seem to want or seem to like, but are they so important and motivating me I keep on going? No. Are they so important that they are in front of other things? No. Are they giving me energy to keep going? No.
Honestly, I’ve been never so apathetic like I am now. And I have no clue how to get out of it. No job, no income, not really a serious way to spend the days…. I do not do so much in and around the house. (And, I do not live on my own and am the only one not working here). I do feel guilty about all those things. I used to work hard and just go on and on and on. There was a time I worked 3 jobs. Started at 4.30 am and ended the day at 11 pm. All these years, trying to graduate, work and work and work and never called in sick (except for the time I could barely breathe, was send home and ended up in the hospital). I used to be a hard worker. I used not to care much about the job, a job was a job, even how boring it was. But not things changed. I can not. I just can not.
And I have no idea how to get out. Meh.

 

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The day has died , the night is clear

Hundreds or maybe thousands of stars

filling the light with fear and dissapear

A hopeless bird tries to reach the moon

A flight for days – to be forgotten soon

As days go by, my heart grows cold

seperating wings, a heart with mold

An eye is looking, an eye is closed

The sleepless part of the night

hurts less the most.