The pebblestone in the desert

Honestly, I guess I have to admit I don’t have much ‘life’. It’s one of these days again that everything is empty and life seems an endless torture to me. I’m sad, empty and angry at the same time, and yet nothing at all.

Life is just not for everyone. To have a house, to lead a peaceful life, that’s just not for everyone. Like a pebblestone that needs water to bounce, I’m like a pebblestone that ended up in the desert. You just fall, and sink away in the sand: that’s me.

Somehow it’s a rough time again. Family issues, and the more I think about it, the more sick I feel. Emotional traps, nasty games, and even if I’m not super close, it affects me more then I would like to admit. And I feel so sorry for my parents, who are hugely affected by it. When I was younger I was angry at them so many times. And now I understand it better. Some things you just don’t see when you’re young. That they were trapped and part of an unfair, nasty game. I feel sorry for them that their lives are so destroyed and affected. It’s bad to say, but I hope they will be finally free when the person who does that and who is left, dies. That’s terrible to say I realize and know. Yet I’m afraid I think it would really be that way, though they will not ever be free from it: some damage is done forever.

Work was also pretty shitty, it gets worse. I can’t even find the words for it to describe what is going on. But I feel tension going up and up, I feel more pressure and I feel like I’m falling apart. I doubt about things I should not doubt, and I think I do my work less good.

I drag myself at home. I wait for the train, stare in the emptiness of the station, even when it’s full of people. I sit on the train, feeling braindead. I drag myself home; trying to slalom between cars and bikes and walking people who all seem to be in such a hurry and seem to rule the world, where’s there no space for empty people like me.

I hide myself in bed and when the night falls, I go out to the grocery store. Immediatly when you walk in, the neon signs and advertisements jump into your sights. I get superannoyed by that lately; it’s too much. With a task that’s not so difficult; get your groceries together but feels like running a survivalrun, I dissapear into the night again, trying to avoid every other living human being and try to get home as soon as I can, to crawl away in my cave again. I don’t want to face anyone or anything anymore, I just want to be left alone, and yet my heart aches so badly that I don’t know what to do about it. I feel awful, I’m not hungry and I don’t pick up my phone when someone calls.

All I am, is the pebblestone in the desert.

Huge doubts, if I’m doing the right thing.

Hello who ever reads this; firstly thank you for reading this, and a happy new year. I truly hope this will be a good year for you.

Hello to my super doubting self too: CAN YOU FREAKING WAKE UP FOR ONCE PLEASE AND MAKE A DECISION?

*breathe in, breathe out*.

Well, there’s a lot to say but I will not type everything; I’m too tired, and too pissed of with myself. So it will be a supershort version.

My car isn’t going through the yearly check; the bottom rusts too much, so I have to say goodbye to the car. I didn’t plan this, but it’s worse then expected, so I had to find a new car rapidly,. I found one, spend more money then I was planning too, but at least I can go to work and drive safe.

One of my friends’s boyfriend works at a housing company. She called me that there will be a nice apartment available soon – a chance to live on my own.

A few weeks ago I was sure I had to move out.

Now it really came, I am filled with doubts. I can’t decide. I can’t do it somehow.

*What if my job ends soon?

*I want to be closer to my love, and does it make sense to take an apartment when I maybe will move abroad?

* I just bought a new car, and getting in an apartment will mean: less money, less savings, maybe less possibilities to travel

*Do I really see myself living in that place? Where I have nothing and no one?

I saw the advertisement, because they placed it online today. It really looks nice though.

It would be perfect for me.

WHY can’t I take this chance?
WHY can’t I make up my mind and DO something?
WHY is there something inside of me that blocks doing something like this?

I don’t understand myself. I feel bad, bad that I can’t decide, bad that I’m turning down something while my friend tries to help me.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t know what to do.