The vertigo-shut down


So. Here I am, again. Not that anyone really missed me. I’m talking into a big, wide world where the words I use, dissapear into nothingness. They flow to the end of the street, into the darkness. They dissapear around the corner, and I stay behind staring at the lights, and empty street and the corner where the words just went.

-Okay, that’s not completely true – but that is how things feel.-

Since the beginning of August I’ve been dealing with some health issues -starting with vertigo. I was so lucky to get struck by things thing called vestibular neuronitis, also goes by neuritis or labyrinthis. I’ve been really ‘out’ of things thanks to this thing that made functioning a bit ‘normal’ impossible.

I had a panic attack which made me feel ashamed of myself. My body charges to ’tilt’ sometimes when I feel things im my body that are ‘not good’, thanks to my pulmonary embolism-experience in the past. I know it, and still it is so hard to fight.

On top of that I also had some kind of allergy crisis that is still going on. I have some nosespray for it and it goes better slowly, but my health is something that worries me a bit lately. The doctor things stress plays a big part. Which could be true, though I’m trying to keep that down.

I had to shorten my holidays because of it, and even though I didn’t really have money for holidays I went to France to meet again with love. I was lucky to be a few days in the mountains again. I feel different in the mountains. I am more happy there.

Now, I’m back in the city. In my job that could be slowly killing me. I’ve been saying so long that I need to find another job. And yet I keep failing. I started working on my resume, but so far there is nothing else to mention. I am just slow, I guess.

I have very less shifts at work, because of cuts I get very less hours. Which just pays all the bills, but nothing more. It worries me a bit, and I try not to worry.

I’m in doubts wheter to start Jiu Jitsu again, because I haven’t gone there for almost 6 months now and I don’t know where my motivation is, but it seems gone. It’s just empty, neutral, ‘i dont know and i dont care’.

So yeah, here I’m sitting. I don’t know and I don’t care.

But I try you know, I really try.

I just fail sometimes. Or mostly sometimes.But I try.

Silent noise


Probably, I look like a ‘normal person’. Probably, there’s nothing to see.

But inside my head, things are exploding: too much stress, too much going on, and I can’t handle it.

It feels like I have no support at all, and I’m on my own.

I can’t fall back on anyone. I have to deal with it myself, whatever it is.

I want that everything leaves me alone. There is too much to deal with.

Too much.

Everything feels like fighting a new war. And one war hasn’t ended, and there’s the next one.

I am tired. I don’t feel good. I don’t know what to do, or where to rest.

I can not get rest. I can not find it.

I guess things are shitty anyway, and there is always a temporary relief.

But it comes back, sooner or later. And there I go again.

Into the depths and traps of the low world, of the dark, painfull world that no one can see.

That no one can see, except me.

Sigarettes and the sparrow


There’s sigarettes, a sparrow and me, and I don’t even smoke. It’s a rainy day and I stand on this busy busstation. Actually I don’t want to leave, but somehow “I have to”.

While the rain is pouring down, I drop my bag at a bench. The bench is not wet, but I refuse to sit down. Failure, is spinning in my head, failure. Everyone seems to be able to work something out, be good in something, and here I am – giant failure of the world.

I can’t do my job, I’m too slow, it’s too messy in my head. I’m good in researching, I know, but I can’t put limits. Somehow things need to be black and white to understand, but I know it’s impossible and I always find the exceptions. And I can’t deal with them.

It’s frustrating.

On social media, my eyes pick up signs. Of people who do better than me, of people who seem to fit better , for people who do meaningful things. Here I am, I think, trying to make things work, but failing all the time.

For the first time since my job started, I had a terrible day. Nothing worked out. I felt confused. I wasn’t able to function like I should. I felt that I should give up on the job: I can’t do it, it’s too complicated for me, was all I thought for a while.

I didn’t quit. I just drove home, and I guess I will start again tomorrow.

A brand new day. A brand new day for a nobody like me. Emptiness. Meaningless.
What’s the point?

Short circuit


That’s the main word of today.

I’m stuck. I’m trapped. Can’t get out. The situation got more and more miserable if I think rationally. It takes too long. No peace, no space. No future.

Every day, I’m one day more jobless. One day more a failure.

The pressure to go away gets bigger and bigger. I need to get out of here, I need to get out of this house. How? With no income. How, with no future plans ahead? How, when you’re lost, can’t make it on your own, HOW, for sake?
But pressure means stress means weird things happening to me. I sense it in physical things too.

I miss abroad. I miss my free space. I miss the peace in my mind.

I miss my love. I miss feeling good. I miss having dreams.
I miss having a goal, something to fight for. What’s there to fight for?

(It seems there’s a lot,but I’m out of energy, I can’t do this alone. I can’t pick life up. I can’t. I’m too exhausted. I just can’t. A rechargable battery doesn’t last forever.).



Hi hope, bye hope?

So, today was supposed to be a better day than yesterday – or at least, I planned to make it a better day. I’ve set my alarm on 8.30 (but I snoozed and got up at 9.00), went to eat some breakfast and drank a cup of tea, scanned a newspaper, and went to shower and washed my hair (didn’t wash my hair for a week, yikes, I know).

Last week I made a new “plan” and I want to try to stick with it. I try to go on a walk at least two times a week (three days a week I’m home alone part of the day, which gives me the space and peace of mind to do things in MY way). Yesterday failed, so it was important I would go today.

First I went to the postoffice and did the laundry and made some lunch (because one of my parents comes home for lunch). After lunch I finally had a few hours somehow for myself, so I went out for a walk. I wanted to go to the little forest first, but the path was crowded and I somehow didn’t feel like bumping in people, so I walked somewhere else. It was ‘just a ” 30 minutes walk, but it was a walk, right?

So, I came home and saw a vacancy. This is actually another part of “the plan” – find a job and save money. With the person I love, we made some kind of plan that contained for me: find a job , apply at least 3 times a week (last week, I didn’t make it though 😦 ). When I don’t find a job before 1st of March, I will go abroad. Or on a travel to Georgia, Azerbaijan, Armenia OR I will go to France and be nearby her.

Okay, so I saw a vacancy. One I seemed to fit the requirements, and one that seemed cool. Okay, let’s do this and apply! I felt some hope sparkle in me. I started writing, even with still these 10000 attacks of my own brain: you can’t do this, others are much better than you are, and blablablablabla. But I kept going. And then , this happened: after just such a short time! This job, was online recently (one possibility; apply online- no other options for this job) and after such a short time, while I was still working on my letter, this message appeared in my screen: Due to a lot of applications, we closed this vacancy.

Seriously, how quickly do people write a letter? In an hour? No way! No way I can write a good letter in an hour, this requires time!

And there I sat. Dissapointed. these attacks in my head – you see, you’re not fast enough, no one wants a slow person like you, am I doomed, and so much more, the ‘blablablablabla’.

Great. This was supposed to be no. 1 of this week.


To be.



Ice-fossil. I came across this on my walk. An Ice-fossil, is how I called it. Am I an ice-fossil? something that once have been useful, but now lost it’s glory and function?



Doing something meaningful – or not.

Today, I read something about someone who, just like me, went abroad for voluntary work. If you have read before on my blog, maybe you have read that I’ve ended this 6 months early, because it didn’t work out at all; there wasn’t any work and everything I tried to do didn’t matter to anyone; it seemed all useless and no one appreciated it.I couldn’t find my place there and even if I tried to talk about it several times (what was hard for me, but I did it), nothing changed. Maybe this is exaggerated to some, but I really felt there was no back-up at all. No one cared at the place where I ‘worked”, no one cared from the organisation with who I went on this voluntary work. They didn’t respond on my e-mails or messages and that really bothered me, for a while. I went on some trainings, I spoke with a lot of persons, and I still think this whole things turned out really crappy for me. I don’t want to indicate it’s all the fault of others, I’m guilty myself too, because I can not function in these environments, I could have made my own projects, I just couldn’t hang on to this because I felt trapped, unwished, didn’t seem any purpose of anything. I don’t have a strong power to continue when nothing seems to matter – I could have done something, instead of ‘giving up on everything’. I just lack this power. I don;’t know why.

As well, I don’t want to say by this that I’m the only one, of course I KNOW i’m not the only one. But that doesn’t make it feel easier or right. I so needed this to work out, but it didn’t. Hello real world.

Anyway, I read about something this person wrote, that how someone told him how great work he did, what he achieved and that he should be proud of himself. And how good he felt. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m  happy that he feels happy about this and that he did great work and others acknowlegde that, everyone needs something like this from time to time. I am happy he reached this and his work is valued and that is brings positive things – because I also know, it wasn’t easy for him either.

But by reading this, something touched something inside of me. I don’t know why or what exactly it is, but I thought about this whole thing and how dissapointing this went or ended. And how not accepted I feel in general (life) , and that often it seems that no one sees any value in me. Okay, there are a few expections, but on the working/professional level, I seem to be completely useless, because no one seems to see anything in me or there doesn’t seem to be a chance to develop myself in this way, and sometimes, I get really sad of this. What do I do wrong? Is there something wrong with my resume? Something with  my letters? I followed two or three trainings in how to do job applications and writing letters, I asked different people to check mine and for their help. What do I need to change? These things make me feel useless as a human being, why the heck am I on this world when there is no job for me and no money? I feel worthless. It is not only the depression thing or low self confidence that causes this, it’s also all the happenings in the last five years.

I got sick. There was no back up. No help. No financial stuff.

I rehabilitated. No help. I had to do it myself. No financial help.

No benefits; I was not bad enough and I was officially still a student, so take a loan.

I took a loan, worked on finished my study, finished, and that almost seems to be where my ‘carreer-future’ ended.

My studentsjob where I stayed after graduating, cut my hours, it was 4 hours traveling one way and in the end I got so less shifts that my trainfares where as high as my wage. No better situation and this went on for months. Pressure got really high, situation more bad and bad, so I left myself. Bye bye stupido, you lose all your rights, because its your fault your unemployed now.

Sat at home for 6 months. Feeling depressed, not being able to get out of this black hole. Had plans to travel to Georgia, Armenia, London, but ended up sitting in my room.

Finally made the decision to go on this voluntary project. Went abroad. Things didn’t work.  And so? I came back with nothing. I didn’t do anything, nothing meaningful.

And now? good question. I don’t know.

Sometimes, it just stings somewhere. And this devil inside my head: loser, loser, you can’t even take care of yourself. And I don’t want to blame, but things weren’t working with me. I feel rejected. Rejected by the world. And I can’t help it, and I know it’s a feeling, and I know it;s not completely true,  but this is how it feels somewhere inside of me.


Maybe it shouldn’t be disappointment. Because maybe, I should have known better. But I guess, sometimes, you have hope for things to turn out nice. But sometimes, when that happens, they don’t. And then, …yeah, what, then?

It’s maybe stupid, but sometimes things can change my mood. Today, I went to the city with my sister. She’s around for a couple of days and yesterday, we agreed on going to the city today. But I wish today, I hadn’t. Often I have ‘trouble’ with my sister. She’s okay, I guess, but we’re quite different persons and she has a very strong opinion, way of things and look on things and she is very strong with words (say: pittbul type). And sometimes, she can really make me feel awful, and a stupid loser. We went to the city today and she was not in a good mood – quite moody. Instead of saying to me I don’t want to go, she said nothing, and walked with thunder speed and was grumpy about everything. About the bad service of this and that, about the shops and people’s behaviour, about just everything. For the things we kind of talked about before, was nothing left anymore. I felt like she didn’t want to be there and she said something like: go wherever you want to go, I don’t care (yesterday, she said she would maybe need new shoes and inform for some repair of something). I kept my mouth shut, since I don’t want to fight with her, and she is very strong with words and iffff I say something it will turn into not a nice way. I learned that the best is not to react on her when she acts like this, but the other side, is that I have to be so careful with what I do and say and such.

Well anyway, I’m struggling a bit at the moment to stay positive, and this overload of those stores are no good and this behaviour and people and blablabla , were not really good for me to hear. Also the part of that she doesnt care about things or new clothes and stuff and that most people are not listening and whatever and that everyone can get a job if they want and if not you can always create work yourself…it made me feel awful. That she can live like that is fine, that some people can live like that is fine, but that doesn’t mean it works for everyone And I can not even find my words now to describe exactly, but I feel awful. I skipped the things I wanted to, all I wanted was to go back home soon. And now I’m back, and I feel annoyed and awful. I had these issues before with her, just sometimes things go okay, but I can’t help it; my own sister, makes me feel like I’m a bad person sometimes, and makes me feel awful, and like I’m worthless crap.

Did I get lost again?

….or did I never found a way?

This change of my life – the moving abroad, ‘ starting’  something else, going to a place where no one knows me and I am distant from all the previous things ‘ connected’  to my life – ……………silence.

I wish I could express better but I can not find words nor sentences nor can I draw or sing (but then again never ask me to sing!) or show or whatever how one could or can express – I just can’t.

I don;t know if this is facing reality or facing truth again or that I am caught in another prison of depression what tricks my mind and captures my soul (if I even have it) and things are getting complicated and I guess all these things are starting to affect my physical health – I assume these things are causing my health troubles lately. Does this mean I’m in danger? Does this mean that I’m dying? Does this mean that there is something even worse going to happen to me if I can not stop this?

But then again, I don’t know how to stop this. I can not find my way. I can not find a way. I do not even know who I am. What I want. What I like. Drifting away, and more and more.

I see the shore, I’m floating in the see. It does not matter how hard I try to reach the shore, something will never allow me to reach it. No matter what I do, how long I try, how much I try. There is something. A something that is hard to define. But it’s there.

Where does this end?
What is an end?
And even if it’s this…