Facing facts


Last week, there was a lot of time to think. I had a hard time with work, since my jaw hurted pretty badly from my dental surgery. It still does, actually. Friday I really tried, but I had to call in sick during the afternoon. I just couldn’t stay there anymore.

Somehow I slept a lot during the week, 10 hours a day is nothing. I don’t know if that’s because of the tooth, of something else too. I feel that I tend to depression again, but I’m doing what I can.

Yet, I know I don’t do enough to stay healthy, active, strong. All I do is lie in bed, sit behind the computer, play Fable on my Xbox, read my new book about the Chernobyl disaster. I know I’m not moving enough, but somehow that is superhard to do, but I don’t get it.

I know I like exercise, I know I feel better, I know I’ll be in better shape, and what do I do? The complete opposite of what I should do! I noticed I gained weight and I feel heavy. I haven’t been to Jiu Jitsu training for 3 weeks now (there was a holidayweek, one evening I was too tired and late from work and last week I didn’t go because of my jaw/dental surgery). But Jiu Jitsu, is not enough. I need to extend my exercise.

  • I dont want to grow fat
  • I need to take care of my health
  • Its better to exercise more because I like to be active and I want to do things I need a good condition for
  • I would like to be in shape.

So WHY, am I not doing anything about that. Why?

Upcoming winter, I would like to go on ski holidays. I’ve been wanting this for over 10 years, yet I never went. I could never find anyone to go with me, and I was not brave enough to go by myself. This time I found someone. I will go with my love.

So I guess I should better go and take some lessons. I’m looking for them now. There are no mountains over here, so I will go to some indoor class. I guess I should do that. But I have no endurance, strenght or flexibility I guess – my body isn’t in shape at all. This is something I will have to do alone, since love is far away from me and I don’t know anyone else who would like to learn to ski or join me. So, something to work on. I know I can do it, but it’s a bit of a challenge.

I also wanted to follow French classes, to be able to speak in love’s country. To be able to have a change to find a job and work in that country, so we can live together one day. Yet all I did was listen and try some youtube videos. I looked for a course but it only starts in february, so I will have to wait before I sign up. This will be a challenge too, next to my job.

Oh about the job. My contract ends this week, but last week I learned that I will have an extention untill april 2016. That’s quite some time. I’m happy, but at the same time work will ask a lot from me, it will be busy, I will work fulltime (there’s not much chance to get less hours, you have to have a very good reason for it, like children or studying, and I don’t have this in their eyes).

I’m also pissed of with my job, because I wanted to go with Christmasholidays to my love. I asked off in August. It was somehow difficult to give an answer, so I asked if there was another option to go in November and work with Christmas holidays, but no reply. And now I got an answer, but all flights are :

  • superexpensive (3times normal price)
  • or with 3 stopovers so the travel takes up till 25 hours while just one flight of 1h30 minutes is enough to get there.

I didn’t book yet. I don’t know what to do. Money isnt everything, but I’m annoyed by this and I don’t want to have a 25h travel- too exhausting.

So far so good, that’s how my life is at the moment.


Distant sun.


There it is. The sun. It’s morning, I woke up an hour ago, had breakfast and made a persimmon smoothie. Almost a miracle, because I prefer to stay in bed and sleep.

The world is beautiful and ugly at the same time.

I want to go out and never go out at the same time.

I see the sun, it looks beautiful, but at the same time, it’s too distant, and I can’t get myself to enjoy it, or go out, and experience it.

Everything is full of contradictions.

I stare outside through the window. Slowly the world comes alive, even on a sunday. In the corner of my room, there’s my longboard. Unused, for quite a while. I still like it though. I don’t use it, because I’m not that good, and people here look. It’s not a reason,  yet it’s the perfect reason not do to it. Why is that so difficult, just to go out and ignore everything around and just enjoy?

Practice means getting better. Exercise means better in shape.

I’ve been gaining weight I think, since lately I haven’t moved much, though my wish was to exercise more, and have more move moments. I guess that failed.Something’s locking me up.

I should go out. I.



Never growing up


Since today, I (finally) own a longboard. I’ve been thinking about buying a longboard for over a year now. Because of several reasons (they are not soo cheap, and – I know, it’s stupid- what other people think about it , I never dared to, somehow. I know some people think I am childish and this is not something for a grown up woman to do. But the idea of longboarding never really left my mind.

Two days ago, after a conversation with i-love-very-much-far-away-friend, I thought: sheesh, it’s crazy that I am thinking of this so long and never bought it, it’s my life, I should make fun and do what I think is nice, and I always worked hard when I had a job and you know what? F*ck everyone, I am going to buy it. And so I did. Today it came with the mail. Yeah, I spend money, it was a bit uncomfortable but if this brings me a bit of happiness, and it’s good to move sometimes…….and I didn’t make a loan for it and I didn’t steal anything. I bought it with my own money. *Why do I even try to talk it right for myself?*

Right when it came, I unpacked it and took the board outside. Didn’t look if there were any people around (there weren’t really I think) and I rode the street a few times. And really…….I am happy with this board, it’s the perfect board – flexible, comfortable, it just rides lovely.

Oh, and I decided I also will go to see my i-love-very-much-far-away-friend in December. I’m going to buy a plane ticket soon.

F#ck everyone who has a negative opinion about everything. I can have some happiness too from time to time. And if no one wants me as an employee, what do people want from me? That I’m going to stay at home for months again and rot away and be unhappy? I had enough shit in life, so NO. No no no no NO.


Bobsleigh tears

A couple of days ago I went to the gym. The gym has a couple of tv’s hanging on the wall. I don’t really watch tv since I don’t have it myself, but when I am in the gym, I see a bit of what is broadcasted. Especially the cardio workout machines, are all pointing at the tv screens, so even if you don’t want to watch, there is always a moment that your eye will meet some images on the screen.

So I was running on the treadmill and there was bobsleigh on tv (olympics). While running/walking I was watching it a bit. I saw the people going down with the bobsleigh, saw how happy they were with their results. Suddenly something in me snapped. A small stream of water was running down my cheeks. What? Am I crying? (Crying is rare for me, I never really cry). But there was a small stream on my face. I felt it, I touched it. It was there. (Maybe it’s not something you can really call crying I guess, since it was just the stream of tears on my cheek, but I have no idea how to call that.) Anyway, it felt very uncomfortable. Carefully I checked the corners of my eyes if anyone saw what happened, but everyone seemed to busy with their own workout – luckily. How do you explain something like that? Makes no sense. The gym is one of the last places I want to start crying.Well, I don’t want to cry at all I guess.

There wasn’t even a reason. I turned my head away from the bobsleigh. 30 minutes later I was cycling. Icehockey was on. I felt the same thing starting to happen. So I turned my head away from the tv, ended my exercise and went for a long shower – not many people use the showers at the gym, so I had the space to myself. Nice warm shower this time. Warm rain. Warm tears streaming all over my body. And all I could do, being numb, feeling the stream of warm tears going over my body and watch them dissapear in the shower drain.

The gym


Yay exercise. As you can see, I can’t wait to go there.


Yay. In the dressing room. Sitting and sitting and sitting. Luckily no one comes in, so sitting for 15 more minutes without looking too weird. Yay gym. Goooo me. I cant waiiit.


Running can cure depression! Go you go go go! yeah. Eeeehh. Why do I even do this to myself? Arrrgggghhh. This is terrible. #grumblegrumblegrumble.

Who even invented this? Argghhh. Look at yourself you wimp, and look to the people running next to you. They are at least as twice as old as you are and they run four times faster and longer. Mehhhh. Frustrationnnn. #more grumblegrumblegrumble.

Let’s do something else.


Yay weights. Maybe this is better than running. At least no one will notice me because I can hide a bit more than being on the treadmill. Meanwhile on a small distance away:


Wiejjj wiejj wiejj go go go! Yeehaa! fun yeah oh yeah! This is fuuuuuhuuunnn.



cp eyes



Music plays. # Never give up! # Go Go Go! # Yeehaa fuuuun!


And that’s where I ended my exercise. Staring into the mirror looking at myself like I never saw a creature like that before.