The boy and the railwaycrossing

Today I found myself in a weird situation. I got off the train and was doubting to take the bus to work, but since it was sunny and movement is better, I decided to walk. I pass two traincrossings on the way to work. Today on one of them, I saw a boy, just standing there.

First I passed, but something didn’t feel right. I don’t know why, but my stomach felt really weird. So I stopped walking and looked back. He was still there. I assume he was around fourteen or something, but I’m bad in guessing ages, so maybe that was not right. But anyway, that’s not a place to stay and chill. I stayed there for a little while, to observe him. Maybe that’s freaky, I don’t know. It’s a busy crossing and every one else in the car, on the bike or on foot seemed to be in their own worlds, no one noticing the boy. He sat on the fence; with his legs on the railway side. Trains drive there on full speed. He seemed not good to me somehow. I also know there’s a mental health centre close, so I don’t know, but it seemed not really okay to me.

While doubting what to do, I tried to collect my guts and ask him if he was okay. I felt my heartrate going up. But I walked up to him and asked. He looked at me a bit distant, saying he was fine. I don’t know, what are you supposed to say in situations like this? Maybe I say the wrong things, maybe I ask the wrong questions. I don’t know. I asked if he was okay and if he needed help. He said that he was okay. I didn’t really believe him, so I also said something like that I felt bad because I saw him hanging around the railwaycrossing. He said again: no, there’s nothing.  I said take good care of yourself, gave him a friendly slap on his shoulder and moved. He walked away a bit further, but still close around the railwaycrossing.

Still this terrible feeling in my stomach. I was standing there, tying to decide what to do. If he would try to jump in front of a train I would be able to stop him I guess, but that’s not a solution because I couldn’t stay all the time at that place. So I called the police and told them the story, and that I was not sure what to do. They said they send out a car. So I stayed there, just to make sure that he wouldn’t walk or stand on the crossing. And waiting for the police to talk to them. (I think the boy noticed that I was waiting, and he saw the police car coming, and then started to walk away from the railway.)

I spoke with the officers, telling them everything above. They said that they would go talk to him and check, and thanked me for the phonecall. I was late at work (but I called to say why so that was fine). But I felt superweird.It touched something inside of me I guess, because I had suicidal thoughts in the past – so I don’t know, something of his look or behaviour reminded me of that. At work – my work sucks with certain things, but with this they seem to be really nice- there were a few people ‘waiting’ for me, to check and talk because they heard why I was coming in late. Not that it solves anything, but it was still nice, to know that they were there.

I couldn’t really concentrate at work, and in the end I called the police back to see if they could give me any news or if the boy was allright. I wasn’t sure if they were allowed to give me any news, but they told me that the officers went to talk to him and decided he was not ‘in need of any urgent help’ so they didn’t take him.
I guess I did the right thing; I couldn’t have lived with myself if I wouldn’t have stopped and check, and hear in the news later that someone died because of jumping in front of a train there. I hope the boy isn’t angry on me now, and that he understands when it was a false alarm. But I guess it’s better that he is pissed off with me then when he would really be so bad and no one would have cared.

I still find it weird that in the time I observed,  no one, seemed to notice. Or no one seemed to care. No one seemed to find it weird. I just wonder, about that.

I guess all I can do, is hope that he is okay. Like in, really okay.

Happy clouds

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They were all ours, on this sunny day.

You and me, sitting on a terrace in the city center. It was one week and one day ago. I remember it perfectly. The day before I left. Inside I was sad because I know I would leave, and I didn’t want to. You were sitting on the opposite side. We were having lunch. The same dish. We would go to the museum after – the kind of museum I visited too often and made me impatient lately – I’m still sorry for that. I remember looking at you,- realizing how precious you are to me.

We walked in the park, and I remember how I wished it to be warmer so we could lie down in the grass. Like that time we did in Serbia when we were still the random friends, without knowing that we would really love each other deeply and be together more ‘seriously’. The grass, the sky, the sun, and how your head was on my leg and we just stared at the sky and talked and talked and just lay there, in the grass.

This was a difficult week for me. I tried to get distracted by work, but all where my mind went, was you. All I wanted was to be with you, instead of being here alone. That you would be there when I would come home from work and that I would cook for you. And we would go on a walk together next to the Garonne, on our secret path, or where ever we would be..

How I miss the most simple things the most. Just looking at you. Sitting next to you. Playing silly games with the Whalepillow. Going to the grocery store – watching a movie, walking outside in the sun…

How I realize how empty my life is without you. How dangerous that is, but I can’t help it. It’s dangerous to love someone deeply. It can be over in a second. It can be over, so unexpected. But I don’t want that to happen. You make the world so much more beautiful for me. And it’s also dangerous not to love. It’s both sides, like everything in life. But I can’t choose, because I just love you, it’s there and there is nothing I can do about that.

And every single day, I ask myself if I really had to take that plane. And go back to my job. Away from you again. Every single day.

Should I have said ‘fuck you work, I stay with my love’. Should I have let the plane go, to stay with my love. It’s terrible to have a distant love, and it’s beautiful at the same time. It could be worse, but it sometimes feels like hell to not be able to be together and not knowing when you can. I want to be with you, but I also want to be safe with you and be able to have our place, have the basic things, and not end up on the streets. I want that there is a future. For you, for me, for us.

Today, the clouds seem just like last week. We sitting on a terrace. But I’m sitting and typing on the computer, observing the sky from behind the window. You are probably at work, not being able to see the sky. But the sky is in the heart, and so it will be okay.