is what she said
but nothing happened to the sound: it just passed through the ear.
And still I wonder
every single day
if it couldn’t have been different.
Hi Duck, whatcha doing?
Quack. *Duck is looking at me*
The rain is pouring down, and duck is swimming in the pond. No other living creature to be seen around. The sky is dark grey, the trees are dancing in the storm. Here we are, duck and me, just the two of us.
Hey Duck, what’s up? You would like some food perhaps? I’m sorry duck, I don’t think I have anything. Checking my backpack. Wait, here I have some crackers. You might like them, duck. So I take them out and give some small pieces to duck. Duck eats. Duck wants more.
For a while, I stand in the rain. Duck eats the crumbs, I eat the crackers.
Quack, said duck.
And so duck swam and eat, and I stood munching in the rain on crackers.
How simple beauty can be (t)here, in the rain and cold.
So. After my little breakdown yesterday I tried to get myself together today. I couldn’t sleep very well, and I couldn’t go to the office in the morning somehow. Simply moving my body felt like running 5 marathons with weights put on your head. So I messaged with some kind of excuse I would be later. Well excuse, it was a valid one – I have some ‘work’ at my place right now for this organization you could say, as in doing a mountain of laundry. But invalid because instead of folding the laundry, I stopped after folding some sheets and lay down on bed. I lay there until the morning became an afternoon, and I dragged myself to the office. Of course, there is nothing to do for me there, but somehow it seems to be expected that I just sit there as office decoration and smile and that should supposed to be fun. Great huh? (And no, I don’t get paid, since this is a voluntary thing actually, just to tackle to possible comments how great it is and how lucky some people think I could be to get paid for doing nothing – don’t worry, if it would be like that I would be happy to trade since I rather do something then do nothing at all on long terms- it makes me very unhappy.)
Last week I decided (myself, I didn’t inform anyone yet at this point) that I needed a break from here, and so I will leave this place by end of this week. I don’t know when I will get back, but for sure, I will stay away for a week. I don’t know how things will be after that, all I know is that I have to get out of here.
Today I finally found a moment (and the guts) to start about it. That I felt useless, unhappy and that I thought I was not the right person for this place. That I have a lot of trouble to adjust here, in the organization AND in this place. That I don’t see a future here and that I can not continue like this because it is driving me insane. That everything seems pointless, no matter what I do or think. Oh yeah, there is work, but no one really seems to be wanting to work (well, a bit perhaps but it goes SLOW and takes time, a LOT of time). It goes too slow for me I guess. And everything is so difficult since there are always so many things working against – I can not deal with that. So I tried to explain that, but I don’t think the message was clear, though they said ‘ I understand you’, but I don’t believe they did.
I tried to tell them that I find it very difficult to do something useful and that I lost my motivation and that I don’t feel so good. (It is actually terrible but I will not express that way in real life very quickly, especially not in the work environment).
But of this difficult and uneasy conversation, I remember one thing:
But you don’t try.
As a respond on that I found it so hard to blend and adjust in the town here. Seriously, I tried, but I can not and didn’t find any connection to people here and that is not with blaming anyone, there is really no one to blame, things are the way they are, anyway I told that I could be the problem very likely and that I thought I might not be the right person for this place.
But the response was; But you don’t try.
Well, that is half correct. Indeed, I don’t try ANYMORE.
I’m too tired. I feel depressed. I’m exhausted. I feel too disconnected. I don’t have energy to fight this. But it feels like another finger pointing at me. That I’m the one to blame. That the problem is me. That I am the problem.
But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.
Another sleepless night coming up. And so I found myself on my balcony again, on a warm evening, turning into a night, watching the sky, watching the stars, watching the world go dark. 2 am. Still no signs of sleep. And no signs of civilization. Somehow I felt strong.
Earlier I had a very short (digital) conversation with someone who touches something in me. I don’t know that person very well, but once, when we just met, we had a deep conversation. I felt connection. I felt understood. This was a person who experienced similar troubles, difficulties, disconnection, and so on. That person was really open to me somehow. I don’t know why. But somehow, I feel a lot of respect for that person. I wish I could talk more, to that person. But this person, is far away and will probably never be close. It has something that makes me very sad, but also something that is beautiful as well – I should be grateful that I met that person right? that I had an opportunity to talk with that person. Something about it makes me feel really sad. But for now, this (short) conversation made me feel good when I recalled it in my mind.
Anyway, even if I cycled earlier on the day for a few hours with these mountains that normally exhaust my legs, my legs felt strong this time. For a moment, I felt strong. And I took my running shoes, and went for a midnight run.