Confessions and shame

Today, my day started not too great. I guess it has something to do with …. well, my inabilities with certain things, I guess. Okay. This is a bit hard. But I am going to write about something that I find hard, and that I feel ashamed for. But it is bothering me a bit and there is not really someone I can talk to about these kind of things. But I might remove it again, since I am really ashamed of it and it is really uncomfortable, so please forgive me if I do so.

It is the first time I am going to write about this openly (well, I don’t know if it really is but to me it feels that way). Not even my friends (or what is left from them) know this. Or at least, not how things are really like, maybe some of them (read: one) knows a bit of it very superficially.

There is something going on that is holding me back or blocking me from certain things. Like, I have never really be in a real relationship, I have never really fell in love,  I do not have a desire for sexual things,  I have trouble to involve in physical things with people and I don’t like when people touch me. Maybe a few people are allowed to touch me to a certain level, but it is not something I feel comfortable with. But its not something you can exclude from ‘general life’, because it can look impolite, maybe even rude.  I don’t even like when people want to kiss me on the cheeks for my birthday. I rather avoid my birthday , just to avoid all ‘those’ things.

I must say that I have been in a “relationship” (as far as you can call it that) involving physical things, but as I look back on it it was more ‘because everyone did that and it seemed normal to do” and since things already went different somehow I just did it too because I didn’t want to stand out too much or attract attention. So, yes, I have had sex as well. I can not say I really enjoyed it, remember from a lot of times that it was trouble to me – it just hurted and I had trouble with it. Now I didn’t have too much sex in my life – I am probably far below averages and such, and now it’s probably about 10 years since I last had sex with someone (just 1 person).  I don’t know why I have/had so much trouble with it, but I have trouble with it. I just don’t seem to have this drive. I don’t feel this attraction, not towards anyone or anything. I can easily live without it, I guess.

Today reminded me of that. Something that should be ‘normal’  turned out pretty sucky today. There was an  invitationletter on my desk for months now. A reminder followed. Another reminder followed. I thought, okay, I should get this done now someday. I can not really explain why it took so long that I made the appointment , but it almost took me a year. It was an invitation for a pap- test, the screening test for cervical cancer. It didn’t seem to be a big deal, and I heard and read ‘you don’t feel anything of it’ and it’s done very quickly. Well, okay, I can manage that I guess, I thought, and I think I went there pretty openminded, like okay, this just has to get done. So I went. But when it happened…my goodness…I don’t want to make anyone afraid, and probably many people do not have problems with it, but me? Sheesh. Just before the medical assistant asked me if I was nervous, I said it wasn’t really too bad since everyone I know who had it done is still alive, so nothing to worry right? And all I read was that it was no big deal and such. Well, when they had to get that “thing’ in, that was really, really, REALLY not nice and it took a while before it was like it should be. It hurted and was really an unpleasant feeling. It’s hard to describe exactly but I think it almost didn’t work out. It was already not something I was fancy of doing – I mean, who likes to undress and get examined with things like that … but yeah, if it goes like that…I felt ashamed of myself, that it just went so difficult and that it did hurt and I had so much trouble to undergo it.(And in general, I am not touchy at all – well at least, not on the outside..) . I hope it worked out (because sometimes those tests seem to fail and in that case you have to get it done again – what I REALLY don’t hope). So I walked out of there, feeling ashamed a bit and thought ‘what do those people think of me now’.

As if that wasn’t enough, I almost passed out when I was in the pharmacy to ask something. It was so stupid and made me even feel more ashamed. I went there to check out on some stuff I use for my eyes but they have had so much trouble to order it somehow, and they said they would call me about it but it has been a month or longer and they didn’t call. So I went to ask if they knew anything about it. While I was there, I suddenly had this breakout of a sweat, I felt like I was going to pass out and I couldnt focus properly and my ears felt so weird, like I wasn’t perceiving the noises and things as I should. I never had that so bad (was it a panic attack??). There were like 5 other people around and all I could say to the pharmacist was ‘I don’t feel so well, I might pass out”…. the pharmacist said to me like ‘take it easy, but your arms on the desk and i’ll get you a glass of water. That helped somehow, but I felt even more ashamed when that happened. I didn’t know how quickly to leave that place. Out in the fresh air, things went okay again. I sat for 10 minutes in the car thinking sh*t sh*t sh*t what was that all about, what just happened? And so much shame. Why? I don’t know. I really don’t know. It just wasn’t a good start of the day at all. It was terrible. I still feel very ashamed.

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Keep the wheels rolling, but they are standing still.

skateboard

This is my skateboard. And I like it, though I don’t use it much. It just stands in my room being useless.

Keep the wheels rolling, but, my wheels are standing still. Without movement, no journey.

Why? Because there is something, that not only affects the go/not go skateboarding. That holds me back from doing more things. And prevented me from doing certain things in the past.

What that is? The opinions of other human beings. That probably sounds weak, but yeah, I guess that is the answer.

Somehow I have never felt free enough to do what I wanted to do. Somehow, that lasted for so long (many many years, if it is not my whole life)  that I even lost the things I wanted to do – they simply got out of sight. I just did not know anymore. If someone would ask me what purpose I had, or what I wanted to do? Seriously, I had no idea. I just did not know. Also, I didn’t feel like a real person, but was just a walking homo sapiens on the earth, actually it was more playing some invisible role in a movie. Deep inside, it has been bothering me. That I have never could be the real me, that I always had to hide certain things, that I didn’t have any encouragement to do the things my heart wanted to do. Often, I felt like I had no right to live or even exists, and adapted myself into an invisible role, making sure others were doing okay  and could achieve their goals, wishes, needs.

Somehow, opinions from other people hold me back. Even opinions in general, from people I don’t even know. Maybe it is weak to let those things have so much influence in your life, but I can not deny the fact that they do, because they affect me and hold me back.

Take skateboarding for instance. Especially now, since i’m a ‘grown-up woman’, it is “not done” to ride on a skateboard somehow. You can not do that without hearing comments on that, or whatever. Those comments are sometimes innocent, sometimes maybe because people do not know what to say, and sometimes they are an attack on the person you are. Judge and shoot. And for what?

This is just one small example. It counts and goes for so many more things. Why, do things like that happen? Why do we say things to people we don’t know and try to be funny/make fun of them or judge them about something they do while they are not affecting anyone or anything in a bad way? Why?

Do I judge too? Probably yeah. I’m not perfect. I do make mistakes. I make mistakes with people too. I misjudge sometimes too. I guess I’m afraid a human brain has traps like that. Also I’m no communication or nonverbal specialist and I make mistakes or misunderstand or say things in a way that is not the way I actually want to say it but are just clumsy and probably the message doesn’t reach the receiver like I wish it would. communication, is difficult. There are so many ways and the interpretation can be so different from person to person. Even if there seem to be general ‘standards’ they don’t go along in just every situation. So how can you ever do something right?

How far do you go in trying to achieve your own goals and needs?
Do you listen to the opinions of other people? Do they affect you? Do you let them hold you back from doing things? How do you find the power to go your own way, if everything arounds you seem to hold you back from doing them? Is that something in your soul where you have this drive and motivation for? Is that about loving yourself?

I just don’t know how to deal with these things. Somehow, no matter what, it is never right.

Love, you hurt.

This is probably not going to be a nice post. And I am sorry for that. I’m sorry for feeling and thinking this way.  Sorry for being this person, sorry for posting this. (Too many sorries maybe, though I could even add more) . But  I am afraid this is the way I feel about things right now and I guess I wish it was different, but this seems to be reality – at least, for now.

There is something, that seems to be so important in life that everyone seems to need, crucial to live and life. Love. Love is/can be a beautiful something, and without love the world would be a way more bad place, but I can’t help it to see love as an enemy sometimes.

Something I can not seem to deal with at all – no matter which type of it. Once, quite a while ago,  I wrote something like; love is a kind of slow killer. It destroys your heart slowly, attacks deeply, without mercy and leaves behind a devastating damage that never heals.

From a song; ♫ And love is evil, spell it backwards I’ll show you(Eminem – Space Bound)

Love. A deep feeling of some kind of affection. Sometimes very deep. So deep it hurts. And I have no idea what to do or how to deal with that feeling.

garden

Flying all around you, but you can never touch it. It’s just not there for you. You and love are seperated. Love is there, where you can not reach. You can only observe and not participate in it. There you are, standing in apathy and loneliness on a distance.

fishing

Trying to find other ways. But sometimes, some things stay under water.

digging

Digging, digging, digging. But sometimes, things don’t want to be found.Secrets buried forever. Stays out of your reach.

telescope

Far away, far away, you see something shining that is not the moon, not the sun, and not a star. What is it?

binoc

You take a closer look. And this is what you find:

nahnah

Love in space communicating to you: nah nah nah nah nah. You will never be safe from me. You will never win from me. You will never get me. Nah nah nah nah.

Sometimes, my heart feels like a cruel place. Sometimes I feel a deep sort of affection for other people, but the only thing that happens in the end is that I end up feeling hurt one way or the other. I don’t get it. I don’t understand love. I don’t understand these feelings. Sometimes, it turns me into some kind of guerilla:

GUERILLA

Telling myself (and trying to tell people around me):

Everyone is a better, nicer person than I am, everyone deserves better, nicer, more loving friends, and I always just end up like a failure and dissappointment. I AM a dissapointment. a BIG dissapointment. Everything is MY fault. FAULT. Blame me. BLAME me. Punish me. Abandon me. Forget me. Hate me. Throw me away.

Love is not for me. I am a bad person. I do not deserve love. HATE me. FORGET me. ABANDON me.

forbidden

But at the same time, at moments like these, I am deeply and badly hurt inside and love would be more than welcome. But somehow, I try to push everyone further and further away from me. It doesn’t feel nice. It feels terrible. I am terrible. And I’m getting upset with myself I can not seem to accept or handle love and that it affects me and can hurt me so deep. I feel like I’m a bad, bad, bad bad person.

sad

I am sorry.

Signed: A very dissapointed (mostly in myself) sharktoothsweater.

The numb days

Numb, and empty. That’s how most of my days are. My life isn’t very exciting. Not going out of the house often, almost everyday is some kind of the same. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month.

w1

After I finally got up, sitting on my chair, computer switched on. Staring at the screen. Reading a bit, looking at things, seeing if my online friends are there and how they are. And what they have planned for the day. Lately though, they are not so often there anymore and I just sit there in emptiness – staring.

w3

After a while I decide I should eat, so I get some breakfast (actually it’s almost lunchtime). But the taste? Like eating air. Things don’t seem to matter much somehow. I just sit, and eat something that tastes like air. That’s all.

w2

So there I am, just sitting and trying to figure out what to do today. Or maybe better said: how to pass the day. Trying to think of things to do. And try to act. All that happens lately, is that time just goes by and I’m sitting there in apathy.

w5

Sometimes I walk down and up the stairs, to get a tea or a coffee or a cappucino.

w4

And again. And again. And again. And again.

w94

There I sit staring at the computer. Watching / letting time passing by. Sometimes reading a bit, seeing a short documentary. Sometimes talking a bit to people online, but lately that doesn’t really happen anymore. Not sure what exactly happened….just feel very disconnected, and I speak less and less with them. Somehow I seem to be the only one with such a pathetic life -spending all day long online just sitting there. Next to that, it seems like the ability to talk or have conversations has gone. I have no idea what to say anymore if I see someone online and somehow that is hard, makes me feel a bit guilty, because–I like them and I kind of consider them as friends (is that weird?) and I definitely wish them all the best and hope that things go well for them and I am happy to see them, but I can’t show that somehow. It is really frustrating. Also, that makes me feel more guilty, bus also hurt somehow and very disconnected. Not sure why.

And well…….that’s how the day goes untill it reaches midnight.

Hello midnight. So yeah…sleeping time? Hm. Washed my bedclothes but no energy to put it on my blankets.

w93

Well whatever. It’s no priority to sleep, right? You can sleep under blankets without
bedclothes.

w8

Standing in my room. Looking at my bed and sleeping clothes (don’t even have pajamas, just some kind of tracksuit in which I sleep. But sometimes, even putting them on feels like too much and – another shamefull thing to admit- sometimes, I just do not put them on and lie down in my clothes I wore all day long.

w9

Thousands thoughts. Feeling weird about not putting on my sleeping clothes and having blankets without bedclothes, but I can’t seem to do anything about it. So there I just lie down, in bed.

w91

After a while, I finally fall asleep. Untill I wake up again.

w92

And lately, there is trouble to wake up or get out of bed. After I wake up, I stay in bed for hours sometimes, and sit on my bed and think what to do with the day. It’s empty, just like yesterday. Empty, empty, empty. Don’t even bother to shower, or put on some other clothes.

w95

Finally, the same things as yesterday happens again. Step out of bed, switch on the computer. And there I sit again. Trying to think how to pass this day. How to change.

And how I feel. Sometimes a bit of feeling comes through the being numb.

But I guess even that is empty. But it feels horrible sometimes.Even if it’s empty.

w96

This is just not how life should be. Just not how it should be.