A year ….and what has changed?

Exactly one year ago, I started with this blog.
The first post I wrote is this: somewhere deep in the soul

First, I never really expected to keep up with writing on the blog for so long- and secondly: I’m really surprised with the number of followers I seem to have. For me it is hard to imagine that so many (well for me it is many!) people are following my blog. Again (I’ve said this before), it makes me wonder, who you are, who you all are as a person and what makes it that you follow my blog. For myself , I’m still an uninteresting person that is pretty empty, in some ways.

Well, anyway, if I reflect on the past year, and look back at the first poem I started this blog with, I have to say that somewhere nothing much has changed; the emptiness is still there, I still feel trapped, and sometimes there is this tiny piece of hope. Maybe that keeps me alive, I don’t know.

Also this day means that I’m officially unemployed for 1 year and 1,5 month, without any form of benefits. (And I’m still alive). I tried to change in this year, but did I succeed?

For months I sat depressed at a home that is not mine, I tried to turn my life upside down and went abroad, and unfortunately, this didn’t work out that well as I have hoped for. And now I’m back. But I would love to go back. But, in different circumstances. In a different environment. But did my life get better? Did things change in a positive way? Did I get out of the depression traps?

I still feel depressed from time to time, though at the moment less than before. I’m still without a job or any benefits. I still feel empty. But there have been a few good things during this year; I made the step to go abroad, this was so far I think the best time of my life, I met someone who I really like, after a long time of apathy I felt some feelings that were far away again,and maybe the most important: I felt happy a few moments again. Happiness, was so far away (and now it looks far away again…)

Now I still have questions, without answers;

Did I really change? Am I a different person?

Why does it looks like nothing much has changed?

When do I finally get out of this trap and messy situation?

There are still so many questions, that are left without answers.

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Did I get lost again?

….or did I never found a way?

This change of my life – the moving abroad, ‘ starting’  something else, going to a place where no one knows me and I am distant from all the previous things ‘ connected’  to my life – ……………silence.

I wish I could express better but I can not find words nor sentences nor can I draw or sing (but then again never ask me to sing!) or show or whatever how one could or can express – I just can’t.

I don;t know if this is facing reality or facing truth again or that I am caught in another prison of depression what tricks my mind and captures my soul (if I even have it) and things are getting complicated and I guess all these things are starting to affect my physical health – I assume these things are causing my health troubles lately. Does this mean I’m in danger? Does this mean that I’m dying? Does this mean that there is something even worse going to happen to me if I can not stop this?

But then again, I don’t know how to stop this. I can not find my way. I can not find a way. I do not even know who I am. What I want. What I like. Drifting away, and more and more.

I see the shore, I’m floating in the see. It does not matter how hard I try to reach the shore, something will never allow me to reach it. No matter what I do, how long I try, how much I try. There is something. A something that is hard to define. But it’s there.

Where does this end?
What is an end?
And even if it’s this…

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Ready for take off

takeoff

A picture of last year. Airplane ready for take off.

It recalls good memories, though they are far away. Maybe, it was even a moment in life that I wanted to last forever.

But this happening, was probably a rare occasion: I don’t think I’ll ever have a chance again to be able to be part of a whole flight including the whole take off and landing in a cockpit with the pilots. But I am very grateful that I had  this opportunity, still now. Because I like flying. The world from out of the air is different. I like seeing the world from above, from out of the air. I love being in the air. It’s some freedom, some distance, that makes me feel good, or something.

Just floating all over the world without having to be stuck in some place or situation. You just fly and float away. Moving. A pleasant feeling, somehow.

Though I don’t fly too often, it won’t take too long before I will board an airplane again. And this time ‘take off’ will going to have more meaning than it ever had before. I can not really say I’m ready for this take off. And I will definitely go with a lot of mixed feelings this time. A lot of mixed feelings. I haven’t wrote anything about this yet, but probably soon I will share a bit more about what is going to happen. (At least, what SHOULD happen in a while, since apathy and depression aren’t the nicest companions for certain things).

So I guess this will be continued….