Pills, pills, pills.

On my desk, right in front of me, there is a white box. A box with pills. Antidepressants.
I’m staring at it, like it’s a monster that changes everything, that is a key to another world. But really, that does not make sense because there’s no proof it will or will not. For now it’s just a box with pills. Nothing positive, nothing negative.

And yet I find it so weird. This box. These pills. This maybe-things-will-change-for-good-or-worse. The I-will-be-one-of-the-antidepressant-people. My head goes into a place where there are messages that were in the news saying things like: “Too much people get antidepressants too easily and they don’t really need them”, and things like that. Am I one of them? Or do I really need them? I don’t know. How do you decide? There is so much opinions about that. I just don’t know.

Anyway, I will not start them before a couple of weeks since I can’t avoid driving a car next week and in two weeks. Both the warning sticker and the doctor told me not to drive for two weeks. And also I thought it’s better to start them when I see someone sometimes, like my psychologist. Since I don’t have an appointment for the next three weeks, I will not start now. Did I justify myself enough?

Assuming there is never a really a good day to start them anyway, I will start them just in the start of my new job. Recently I found a new job that starts in a couple of weeks. I guess it’s the best I can do – I just hope things are not going to be messed up.

 

 

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Work, no work, hiring, firing….what?

Work has been chaotic the last few weeks. I don’t know what to think about it.

A few people left and a few leave soon, because their contracts end it’s time for them now to get a steady contract, thanks to the awesome government and laws, but of course that is not going to happen, so they have to leave). Bye experience. Bye knowledge. (It’s not only sad for them; me and my colleagues have no one to ask things if we don’t know).This is also not good for our clients. But yeah, who seems to care ?

I learned that they just hired 15 people for the next 2 or 3 months. There was also an e-mail last week, saying that there was less money and they will have to fire people because of they have to work more efficient and there is less money.

Sorry, what? What the heck is this, they just hire people , there are people leaving and they are talking about firing people? Why do they hire people then? What do I have to think about this? What do they expect from me? What do they want from me?

Working less than fulltime was almost impossible, OR you had to had a very good reason (like having a child or something – which I don’t have). But what’s the point about working fulltime or only wanting people to come fulltime if the budget is cut and things have to become more efficient and firing people? Is it so difficult to give people less hours? Would that not be better and taking care a bit of the budget? I wouldn’t mind working 4 days a week………I wouldn’t even mind to have an unpaid leave for 2 months, to go traveling. If I know I can continue with the job after, I really would cooperate. But why aren’t they looking at things like that? Why do things always have to be so rigorous?

More and more things are to be measured in time, efficiency, more and more rules which make doing your work more difficult.

It’s annoying me a lot, it really frustrates me, I feel like I can’t do my job well, I feel incompetent. I feel pressure, and I don’t know what they want from me.

Maybe it’s time to search for another job (which won’t be easy, and probably not much better circumstances neither). That makes me a bit sad; I like(d?) my job, I like my colleagues, I like(d) the subjects, the atmosphere.

 

But maybe I just liked it, and I don’t like my “new” kind of job…

 

and so it goes

Several times I wanted to write something, but somehow it didn’t feel right. The words would not come out , not the right words, not the things I wanted to say.

Still, I can’t find them.

My feelings are messed up. My thoughts are messed up.

Life has just kept moving on. Five days a week I drive to work, work, drive home. THe evenings pass, usually with nothing special. The weekends are not so exciting either; I go grocery shopping. I shower,I clean, I hang around. And so it goes.

I can’t say I’m happy, but I can’t say I’m unhappy neither. But I’m not complete. A part that is incomplete, is that my love is not here/I’m not there. A part of that is I guess that I feel my freedom is captured. My job’s not so bad, but today, for the first time, I really felt that I can or should not stay in it. For a while it’s okay. I get by. I get along with my colleagues. Yet there are slowly changes coming that I feel are somehow not right. I can’t exactly say why – I guess this is ‘feeling’.

The world is a bit numb again, in some ways.

Yet I’m still trying to work on things. I guess. I finally made an appointment at the hospital, to get a wisdom tooth removed. I’m not looking forward to it, but it has to be done.

I asked off to go see my love in November, but there is nothing approved yet; having time off seems difficult. So I still don’t know and still can’t book a flight.

I’m trying to learn French, with some audio clips that I downloaded from language videos and play them in the car during travels to work.

I tried to put more (physical) activities in my life, but it didn’t work out so well yet.

I try to do activities in ‘real life’, like visit other people sometimes; I went to an activity with my colleagues and I visit my friend nearby almost every week.

I guess I’m doing okay. But it doesn’t really feel okay im some way(s).

 

So, I went.

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It has been a while since I wrote. I don’t know why, but I’m full of words and nothing comes out. The more I feel I have to say, the less that comes out. (When the more I say, the less comes out). Does it make sense? I do not know. Does it matter? I do not know either.

Well, anyway, A few weeks ago, I went to this outdoor/pilgrimage thing.

The more empty I am now, the more full I was then. It turned out to be a great week. (Or: a great weak?).

For a week, I spend all time time walking, outdoors, mostly in the rain, walking this pilgrim path. With a group, full of new people, of different nationalities, different backgrounds. I didn’t know anyone. It was a bit difficult to adapt in the start, but it turned out really nice. I actually found the people very friendly and -as-far-as-I-can-say- I think I got along with them quite well. I didn’t manage to walk much with someone else, simply because the usual reason; somehow I can’t keep up with others, they have a different pace.

I slept outdoors, under the stars, under tarps, in old barns, but it was all good. No shower, no toilet, no kitchens, no dressingrooms. But it didn’t matter. It was the best.

The easier the roads are, the more difficult they are for me.

The more difficult the roads are, the more easy they are for me.

Cooking on self made campfires. Carrying all your load in a backpack. Walking all day through forest and mostly abandoned villages. Fights inside your own head. But I made it.

How quickly things can change in a few days. How quickly and different life can be. During the last day, going back in to the civilized world. Having trouble to adapt again. Is it really over?

Since I came back, things were not the same, and yet everything is the same.

I thought before, that life was okay again, with my job. But now, I realize it’s not.

My life is empty. It’s all meaningless. The job is okay, but I’m a ghost, an emptiness. What the hell, is this?

The phonecall (and a busy day)

The last few days I’ve been feeling quite depressed. I still do not feel great, though there’s a bit space to breathe right now: I got the job!

This afternoon I had a missed phonecall (was in the car) and I saw the number and I knew who it was. This could mean two things: I was rejected or I would get hired. *panic*. After 20 minutes I decided to call back. The lady asked me how the interview went, so I told her that I felt really bad after it and that it didn’t was so great in my eyes. Then she said: Well, they thought different about that. *HUH?*.

Yeah, they want to give me a contract. Next week I will have to sign. I will start in the 2nd week of March and I will have a job untill the 2nd week of May. So it’s temporary, but it’s something right. I hope I can get some financial space again – I hope the training for this job goes well and I can do it, because even if I sign, there’s nothing sure of course and there is always this period of trial, or however you say that in English.

I’m not sure how I feel now. I’m afraid a bit I can’t do this job, I’m not smart enough, or things like that.

So. Other thing I went today is to a specialist for compression stockings for my ‘sick’ leg. I went to another person, because I didn’t like the previous one very much (she gave me wrong information and she would give me my measures of the last years at least 3 times but I never got them). This new lady was someone with a lot of experience in this field and she asked for the history, so I told her the story about my leg (Erisypelas, Thrombosis, and the pulmonary embolism after) and that I started wearing this thing very late, because no doctor told me about this, and I had to figure out myself about the need of a compression stocking and such, and that I had a lot of questions still. Parts of my leg swell if I don’t wear this thing and the color of my leg is different, also I have some minor issues with my toe. She explained to me that this is internal damage. But I never had a proper check in this, is beacuse of the healthcare system – the insurance system wants to put everything in systems and you get so much money and things for a ‘patient’, so this means limited things. Aand this confirmed my thoughts – you can not assume you get the care you need. They should have checked me properly in the beginning, but they didn’t even mention this to me, and the checks I had I mostly asked for myself. As well, in the beginning I really didn’t know what to do because I didn’t know anything about this. It’s sad that you get sick you can’t believe and trust the doctors opinions.

Well,  I will never get rid of this compression stocking – but I can live with that, it’s what I thought myself already somehow. It doesnt look sexy, but I do not dare to let it of, I am very scared that I get issues with it again and I really don’t want this. Luckily, I took the right decisions in the past to keep wearing these things, even if the doctor told me I could leave it off after two years. This lady, the specialist, told me it was very wise of me not to do so, that I didn’t listen to the doctor, because of these blue spots- she said that this is a sign of internal damage , and especially because  I had both ‘worse things’ – erysipelas and thrombosis, I probably have double damage – the vessels and the lymphatic system) and It might be bigger then we think. I will also keep the same compression pressure class, because its safer. This means; expensive, handmade stockings. I can only have 2 a year, not more (this is not enough- the power decreases, its the same if you have to do a whole year with only 2 pair of socks ). But the insurance doesnt allow – they dont care if you need it or not. The stupidest thing is that I actually end up paying myself because of the ‘own risk’ policy. And these things are not cheap at all. But since I will have a job now, it will be a little bit easier.

But the good news so far; I’m going to try a new brand, AND this brand I was able to choose a color! This wasn’t possible with the old ones, they are ugly brownish, I felt a bit old with these things, but okay, in summer it’s not so obvious and some people notice it very late that I have something on my leg, so far that’s good. But I get a black one too now! I’m superexited about this. The lady said they paint it, and that this paint actually keeps it more stiff for a longer time in comparison to the not painted one, whcih is good for the pressure. So I’m really exited about trying these new compression stocking out! It’s maybe stupid to be exited about, but somehow it makes me a little bit happier.

Bad feeling.

So, this morning I had the final interview for a job. (Well, the only (real) one that actually responded on my application). So far things went okay, except for today.

Was there in time, prepared myself, but it didn’t go nice somehow. I left with a weird, nasty feeling.

The interview was with different persons then they informed me, and they asked questions and I tried to answer everything. Asked questions about the job. But there was something that did not go so well, though its hard to say what it exactly is. It’s more a feeling. It had to do with the atmosphere.

I also know that there will be some people now who will not make it. Today and tomorrow there are interviews and there are more people coming for an interview than there are jobs (they have a few temporary positions, all the same). Anyway, I left there with a very weird feeling. Now I’m also wondering if I can do this job, if I would like it, too. It looks less nice than before, my head spins a bit.. But the most present thing that occupies my mind: I have the feeling I will not make it. Untill now, everything went well, but this, ruined everything. I don’t know. It just didn’t feel good.

It still, doesn’t feel good.

Signs or coincidence?

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So. Somehow, the last few days, have been weird in a way that all these ‘messages’ or however you should call them, appeared in one way or another. I’m not really a person who usually thinks these things are signs and whatever, and  I don’t think I really believe in ‘messages from the universe’ or whatever. But somehow they are a bit remarkable.

Last week, I won a small amount of money with a scratch off ticket someone gave me (it’s really a small prize, I bought 3 breads for it and gone was the money). As well, I won a scarf and hat with a prize contest which really surprised me – well actually I didn’t win it for myself, the contest was like “tell us why you would like to win this for someone”. So I will give the scarf and hat to the person I wished/won it for of course.

I bought a new sweater for myself (one I’ve been thinking about for maybe 5 weeks now). My size was sold out and a couple of days ago my size was back again and I promised myself last time when my size would be restocked, I would buy it, so I finally did. I found this card from the picture in my sweater saying: What’s stopping you?

Last night, I went to join my mother to church. Usually, I don’t enter churches, I’m not really religious in the way of believing in a ” person or something” – with all respect to persons who are religous and believe in something or someone. Really, I don’t mind other people being religious but I really dislike the fact there are people out there who think killing is right because someone has other ideas in these things and I really dislike that there is so much disrespect and pressure and such.

I still don’t know exactly why I joined – I think it’s because I felt guilty towards my mother. She always has to go alone there and I think she doesn’t like that. As well, a couple of days ago she said to me something like : sometimes I doubt that you love me. That I hold some kind of grudge because of the past. I still don’t know what to think of this. Yeah, it’s true- I am distant in ways, and things of the past will not be allright and forgotten. I am not a very huggy person – but this doesn’t mean I do not love. I am not a person who can be around people all the time – I NEED to be alone sometimes, just to be able to cope and deal with life. This she doesn’t understand – There are more things she doesn’t understand. There are things I don’t want to talk about anymore, because they will hurt her too much. Her life was difficult enough, and I know she will feel guilty when I will tell the truth – well, how it was for me and how it affected me. When everyone is here, I usually withdraw a bit – because my siblings can be pretty loud and present, and I just I can’t help it- I don’t feel comfortable with this.But that doesn’t mean I don’t love them. That doesn’t mean I don’t care or something. It stings me a bit she thinks this way and that it makes me feel guilty.

And it stings that I know with saying the whole truth (truth for me) that it will hurt. I can feel and sense the hurt that is done in the past, hurt not caused by me, hurt caused by me, I just sense it somehow and I don’t want to make things more difficult then they already are. There is no need for me to go over and over the past – I can’t change it anymore anyway, and I just want to move on – what’s left, is left. I learned my lessons. But I don’t want to talk over it again and again. I just want to move on. I will not forget, but I can live with everything because I can understand. Of course it did affect me and it probably still will in the future, but that doesn’t mean I want to make a constant issue of it.

Anyway, when walking to this church thing, the street lights had a failure I think, because they flashed on, off, stayed dark for a while, they went on again, and so it went. The stars you could see clearly. The service was okay I guess – I just sat there, heard the singing, listened to the man (sorry- I don’t know exactly what kind of man it was) who told a story and just observed other people and the building. The man was telling a story and when he was in the middle of a story he said ‘do not fear’ and it seemed like he looked me straight into my eyes. There are a few words that jumped out of this whole thing for me somehow; these were:

  • do not fear
  • hope
  • future

All these things made me think.

They are making links in my head, though I can not really explain them well.

I can feel the whiteboard in my brain changing all the time.

arrow left. arrow right.word.drawing. erase.new word.connection. another connection. and so on.

And today, I wonder about this:
What’s stopping me?

What do I really want? What does my soul want? What will be my next step?
I have to find my dream. I have to find out what I really want. How do you find it?

What’s stopping me to find my dream?