Maybe it shouldn’t be disappointment. Because maybe, I should have known better. But I guess, sometimes, you have hope for things to turn out nice. But sometimes, when that happens, they don’t. And then, …yeah, what, then?

It’s maybe stupid, but sometimes things can change my mood. Today, I went to the city with my sister. She’s around for a couple of days and yesterday, we agreed on going to the city today. But I wish today, I hadn’t. Often I have ‘trouble’ with my sister. She’s okay, I guess, but we’re quite different persons and she has a very strong opinion, way of things and look on things and she is very strong with words (say: pittbul type). And sometimes, she can really make me feel awful, and a stupid loser. We went to the city today and she was not in a good mood – quite moody. Instead of saying to me I don’t want to go, she said nothing, and walked with thunder speed and was grumpy about everything. About the bad service of this and that, about the shops and people’s behaviour, about just everything. For the things we kind of talked about before, was nothing left anymore. I felt like she didn’t want to be there and she said something like: go wherever you want to go, I don’t care (yesterday, she said she would maybe need new shoes and inform for some repair of something). I kept my mouth shut, since I don’t want to fight with her, and she is very strong with words and iffff I say something it will turn into not a nice way. I learned that the best is not to react on her when she acts like this, but the other side, is that I have to be so careful with what I do and say and such.

Well anyway, I’m struggling a bit at the moment to stay positive, and this overload of those stores are no good and this behaviour and people and blablabla , were not really good for me to hear. Also the part of that she doesnt care about things or new clothes and stuff and that most people are not listening and whatever and that everyone can get a job if they want and if not you can always create work yourself…it made me feel awful. That she can live like that is fine, that some people can live like that is fine, but that doesn’t mean it works for everyone And I can not even find my words now to describe exactly, but I feel awful. I skipped the things I wanted to, all I wanted was to go back home soon. And now I’m back, and I feel annoyed and awful. I had these issues before with her, just sometimes things go okay, but I can’t help it; my own sister, makes me feel like I’m a bad person sometimes, and makes me feel awful, and like I’m worthless crap.


Lost dreams and some kind of sorrow


My thoughts are kind of spinning in my head so I’m probably not making a very coherent story now.. I can not seem to find the right words I would like to write, but I guess it’s better to let out something that is not perfect or exactly how I wish it would be instead of making my head more spin.
Sometimes, on -melancholic days, my mind wanders around in a world without a map. Often I get lost in that world. It’s something that happens regularly, what makes things hard on one side, but on the other side, is necessary to be/ stay alive somehow.
Sometimes that just happens without any particular occasion, sometimes it’s caused by something that was on the news or happened or is going on in the world. Sometimes a lot of things that are happening / going on in the world bother me. Not only really very specific matters (well of course some specific matters too), but a lot of things. Though lately, it seems like my brain kind of decided to ‘shut down’ somehow and it also prevents me from being able to express or bring into words what is going through my mind.
Sometimes hearing or reading or seeing something can make my head spin like crazy and make me doubt about just everything. What I try to do is try to look at things at different perspectives and try to understand and try to search “the truth” (realize that is a hard thing) and what happens is that many questions appear about just everything.
Sometimes that gets so intensive (or ‘badly”) I feel like I’m going to drive insane because of it and there’s a tornado inside my head. Sometimes something happens inside that brain, that prevents me from even making the most simple decisions.
Like…can’t decide what kind of clothes to wear because nothing seems right (and I know it doesn’t really matter that bad but yet it does),can not seem to decide if I walk left or right when I leave the door, get overwhelmed standing in the grocery store buying food….
Even if I’ve made a list before going to the grocery store, at a moment like that, it doesn’t help at all. I step into the store, telling myself to keep calm and that things will work out and that all I need to do is just buy some food. But then I am in the store, I see thousands of possibilities what makes making a choice impossible, or prices aren’t right or something is sold out or whatever, but when that happens I always end up feeling pretty miserable. Sometimes I find myself just standing in a grocery store and wondering and observing people how they behave, how they act, and how they seem to make their choices. Honestly, I’m not sure why I do that. Because it never really helped me out of it. But well, we all have our ‘crazy things’ I guess.
Sometimes certain things I see or read make me think. Think about many aspects of life. Sometimes about dreams, forgotten dreams, dreams coming true, lost hope. Things like that. Dreams people have in their lives. Achieving and fulfillment. Searching for ways to work on dreams. Giving up. Hope. Not giving up…..
Sometimes it looks like dreams in my life never existed. Not sure if I ever had them. Sometimes some kind of questioning starts, okay, sometimes there are things that I seem to want or seem to like, but are they so important and motivating me I keep on going? No. Are they so important that they are in front of other things? No. Are they giving me energy to keep going? No.
Honestly, I’ve been never so apathetic like I am now. And I have no clue how to get out of it. No job, no income, not really a serious way to spend the days…. I do not do so much in and around the house. (And, I do not live on my own and am the only one not working here). I do feel guilty about all those things. I used to work hard and just go on and on and on. There was a time I worked 3 jobs. Started at 4.30 am and ended the day at 11 pm. All these years, trying to graduate, work and work and work and never called in sick (except for the time I could barely breathe, was send home and ended up in the hospital). I used to be a hard worker. I used not to care much about the job, a job was a job, even how boring it was. But not things changed. I can not. I just can not.
And I have no idea how to get out. Meh.