The chicken in the mud

250220155704[1]

Behind the fence, a bunch of animals live. They are there since a long time, they were there before I was even aware of the place. There are ducks, chickens, goats, and deers to be found. In the past I saw rabbits too, but they have completely dissapeared. As well for a while there used to be black swans to, but they moved a couple of months ago to a better place because their living area was under construction.

Why exactly these animals are kept there I’m not sure, all I can guess is that it makes the environment and the neighbourhood nicer. Or that that was the idea behind it. To educate children about animals maybe. I’m not sure – you can’t enter the place.

I like animals, so I don’t mind them being here. Though there is something that makes me a bit annoyed, but that hasn’t anything to do with the animals themselves; but with their living situation. About a year ago, the municipality cut all the trees, and now there are no trees left. A part of the area is just muddy, and this is always in especially autumns and winters. I don’t know why it bothers me, but it bothers me. Give them some proper place, not this muddy, open space without trees. They have an old, wooden building where they can go for shelter. They are fed regularly, and people from the neighbourhood take care of them too; they watch their health and the animals recognize people; when I walk towards them with some apples or bread or whatever vegetable leftovers, they walk towards me before I’m even there.

I just wonder what the ideas and visions about this are. Probably I’m the only one, or at least one of the very less, who asks all these questions about this, but you won’t get real answers. Or the answer “they were already there and there’s no money for that available’ should be satisfying. But what kind of answers are that? Because it was already there, means that we should not question?

In the rain, I walked by. The deers and goats were inside the shelter. And there was one chicken in the rain. A bright, clean white chicken. The star of the pouring rain. I stopped for a minute, stood behind the fence, and for a little while, I felt the prisoner. The chicken looked  at me, probably if I had anything nice to snatch from me, but I didn’t have anything.

The white chicken seemed happy, strolling along through the mud and the rain.

And I was the one who was not fenced, but felt prisoned.

Advertisements

Drops of tequila

220120155078

Although the papers and the typewriter on the table seem to want to show to the outside world that this place lives – they actually express the emptiness and melancholic atmosphere. Next to this small round table, there’s just an old wooden chair, that could use some repair. An old coffee machine (that supposed to be in the kitchen), an emtpy package of marble cake and an old lamp are standing on the floor. The wooden floor is covered with some crumbs of the cake; and when you look closely to the corner in the right, next to the curtain, is the place where she used to sit.

Gazing outside the window, which was covered with raindrops, a view on an abandoned street where grass and other undefined plants rule the road. Full of emptiness.

The trees haven’t changed their leaves yet and no one wants to live or be in this place; it’s not a ghost town though – it’s just this road, and this is the only house that is still occupied. The other houses stand lonely in row with their jungle gardens. But for the animals, this must be paradise. When you enter the street when the dusk is settling in, life slowly appears; frogs finding their ways to abandoned gardens and ponds, and mice carefully scanning the places for food. And if you’re lucky, you might see the hedgehogs.

The fake life in distraction land

Gaming

Distraction. Somehow I forgot about it or it went to a place in my mind that it was labeled ‘unaware’ or ‘unaccessible’ for a while. By reading a post about distraction from loupylogic it appeared in the accessable parts of my brain again. When things are rough, and when things are bad, distraction can be so important but somehow it can be so difficult or sometimes even unaccessable.

One of my ‘distractions’ is playing video games. It doesn’t work out all the time, there are these times I can play for days and hours and sometimes I can not play for months. (Same goes for reading. Sometimes I read several books a week and can’t stop reading, sometimes I can not read for a couple of months at all.)

A couple of years ago I would have never thought I would ever get into videogames. But when someone gave me their old gameconsole, and someone gave me an old tv that is only connected to the console and can’t do anything else, I started to play. The first game I bought was Alan Wake. I read something about it and it attracted my attention somehow. I’ve been doubting to buy it or not for a couple of weeks (like often happens with just about anything, even a simple tshirt or something). But when it was on sale, I decided to buy it. At that time, it was the best purchase of the time. Together with this other game, called Fahrenheit/Indigo Prophecy. Two games with a story and ‘drama’ or however you should call it. What I liked about both games/stories is that everything seemed to fit so perfectly, the atmosphere, the feeling, a story.

Those games  occupied my mind for days, for weeks. I didn’t live in the real world; it was too hard. But luckily, there was this other world: distraction land. That became my life for some time.

Another dark world where my mind is captured in. This virtual dark world, though this one is definitely not so bad as the real one; real life. They have a few similarities, both worlds are dark and a fight to get through  / stay alive. So at a certain point, videogames became my ‘life’. I would get out of bed after a struggle, tried to shower, turn on the console, slept, ate, videogames, slept, ate, videogames. That is how life was.

For the outside world, I was probably just like some decoration that belongs in a room; an ordinary lamp, a bookcase, something that is just there and not moving unless you touch it. That was me; Sitting at a beanbag with a controller in my hand, absorbed in the storyline. That was a good thing about these games: they have a strong storyline what I really enjoyed. The music was perfect, the images perfect, the (dark) feelings they depict. And they had a story.

Both games I have completed several times. So it’s not new and absorbing me anymore unfortunately. I wish I could dissapear again into this world of videogames, be in another story, be in another life, just distracted. But I’m out of new games, and there don’t seem to be many of other games that are like these. Of course there are plenty of games, but I don’t like shooters and such. I don’t want to play a game where I have a mission to kill. Because I don’t really like that. I love to dissapear in another world with stories, solve (complicated) mysteries and just enjoy the atmosphere that it can give. Even if its dark sometimes – is it weird to say that ‘the dark’ can attract you in some kind of way? I guess it maybe does a bit to me. Maybe because it feels similar? Maybe because its something I can relate – but maybe not really the same? What makes it that it is like that? I guess I don’t really have that answer, but all I know right now, is that I miss being absorbed into that world.