Truth , was different.

Once, when I used to be someone. Or looked like someone.

Long ago. Maybe it’s not so long ago, but it seems like ages. Long ago, I used to be functional. Work used to need me, at least, or maybe, I thought.

Long ago, I used to work very hard, more jobs, save money. Be independent, be able to help other people out sometimes. Felt a part of society. Or was it all a dream?

Long ago, people told that, if you would study hard and do your best at school, there was a future. Teachers would tell you that you could do anything you like. Truth was different.

( I was turned down for a study because I was not ‘at the wished physical level – what’s the point of learning and progressing and a chance to develop something when you don’t have a similar background – you can’t do everything you want, there are studies who require experience, even if they seem open. If you’re not on their level, you don’t get a chance, bye bye. What, people can LEARN right? But no, they don’t want to take the time to learn, they require something and if you’re not on that level, even if you are good in other things, bye bye bye. What’s the point of educating people in the exactly same things on the exact same level?)

Long ago, the world seemed to be open, and going to University was important, they said. Working for a couple of years, working crazy shifts, 3 jobs at the same time, less sleep, I saved money, to go to University. With struggles, I finished University. No, I didn’t had this stereotype students life. I didn’t go out, I didn’t party, life was rough, it was work, sleep, study and run. Then I got sick. Boom. Troubles. Delay. Things never got the same again.

Once, there seemed to be a future. My degree, seemed to have a future. There seemed to be work. And now, I just passed 30, and I feel, I’m at the end of my life here. I’m of no use in the world of the working. I don’t fit in to profiles, no matter what I try and no matter what I do. I don’t get a chance to start. Maybe, I’m not so good in profiling myself, but is that a reason to get constant refuses? Yeah, there is less work, there are more unemployed people. But why is everyone around me at work at least? I don’t know anyone being in a situation like this. Everyone gets an interview or an opportunity from time to time. What do I do wrong? Why are the rules so difficult and procedures so weird I don’t even get benefits? It’s just not fair. It’s not. What is the point of being on this world? If there doesn’t seem to be a function for you when you can earn your own money and be a bit independent?

I’m in a prison, while I’m not behind bars. My life seems beautiful to some people; I’m free, there is no boss yelling at me, no one paying me, and I still have food and a bed. Truth is different. Those things will run out. And then? I will turn in to someone, who people don’t look at anymore. Or look down on? Turn in to someone who everyone can blame: for everything I did wrong why I ended up like that.

Bad dream. Bad dream.

Or is it a bad dream coming true?

 

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Realitycheck?

Between nice and unpleasant, between depressed and okay, between life and death, (and so much more words actually, but these float up in my mind now) there seem to be quite some differences, but somehow the borders between those individual words and their opposite, can be very small. There is not always much needed to make the switch from one to the other. Borders, can be small.

Yesterday, I had overall a good day and it was a pleasant day – I am still working on sorting out everything I have and trying to get rid of everything I don’t use or don’t need anymore. I sold some things which was nice because it was some money coming in. Also, I cooked nice meals, made couscous and zuccinisoup. In the evening, I had a very nice Jiu-Jitsu training – it went very well, and for the first time since I practise it here, I felt good and connected. When it ended, I felt really happy for a while.

But then something small happened that wasn’t even really bad, maybe more a realitycheck, but in the end I ended up feeling low and sad . I didn’t sleep that well and my head still keeps thinking about it. Maybe it’s a bit risky to write about it in some ways, but I guess its bothering me a bit.

I had a short conversation yesterday before I went to sleep with i-love-very-much-far-away-friend. Something that happened made me think about everything. (Though it wasn’t something between us actually)

Do I dream too much? Do I have fake hopes? Am I blind, can’t I see the surroundings in the right perceptions?

I was kind of planning to move in 2015, move to her country, to her area. Because of several reasons: her, I want to be close to her, because I want to leave here anyway because there is not much of a future, so I have to find a place in the world where I can be.

But. Yeah, there are many but’s.

I don’t have a job right now. In fact, I’m jobless for 1,5 year now, and I don’t even have income in the form of benefits. Why on earth would I be able to make it there? What reason or security do I have with moving there? What future do I have? Why would people accept me there? Why would I have better reasons to stay or try to live there, if I’m not even welcome in my native country? Why no one wants me as an employee here? Why would it be better there? What can I bring actually? (not so much, I’m afraid…)

To make things clear, I don’t want to move there and do nothing and be able to live because of what she earns.  It’s not the thing I want to do, it’s not right. I don’t want to use people in any way, I need to be able to take care of myself. But I can not really take care of myself, can I?

There is a thunderstorm of thoughts in my head.

Should I continue with this? Doesn’t she deserve better than me? Someone with a better future perspective? Someone who is not such a failure as me?

Should I withdraw from everything? Should I give up? Should I be alone and not bother any other people anymore? Should I hide myself? Is there a place in the world where I’m allowed to live? Where I’m allowed to be?

Even if I didn’t make it, and I will not make it, am I so messed up that I don’t deserve to find a way in life? Am I so fucked up when I can’t find my way in this difficult world? Is that why I should withdraw and step outside of the main life?

But, where, where in the world is a place for me? Is there a place where I would be allowed to live? to be? To develop and build up a life?

Where in the world is a place where I can be, where I can live?

I don’t know. I just don’t know. I dont see it.  I feel like I don’t have much credits, and if I look closely to my life, there’s not much reason to give me, right?  Am I living in a dream? Do I have false hopes? Am I trying to keep myself alive with something that is not good to step into? I don’t know what to do, how to act, how to find a way that could work.

I thought I was not lost anymore. But I guess it was never like that. I just became blind.

There is not really a way. I am a mess, my life is a mess. I feel I don’t have credits to move. To do. Because I don’t bring anything. And I don’t want to be a parasite.

And why, why, do I even think this way?

The factory

On the other side of
the river banks,
behind this dirty water
full of dangerous flows,
is the place where the wild has taken over,
forgotten, most.

In the picture of infinity,
in distance traffic shows
all the signs of ignorance
invisible resistance grows.

A long forgotten cable
connects these neglected worlds,
and no one really notices it
but this is where a future swirls.