The bad trip

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For something like a week, I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up during the nights.
Work+people around me not well+ the fact that I’m not good in dealing with stress = usually not a good combination.

Last week, I spend an evening with one of my friends. It was nice, we cooked together. After that she dropped me off home. Sometimes before she goes to sleep, she smokes a joint. That unstresses her, and lets her sleep very well. That’s where the idea came to my mind that I could try this to- to finally get some decent sleep (what I so desperately needed).

I don’t smoke, but I had spacecake. Some time ago I bought two slices for foreign visiters who wanted to try. I had one slice left in the freezer. And I thought this would be a good idea. But it was not.

Mistake 1: never take something like that alone. I was home alone.

Mistake 2: never eat the whole slice, start with a small part. But because I was so desperate for sleep, I ate it all.

So. Yeah. It went wrong. I had spacecake before, but nothing ever happened. I tried some weed too before, but nothing ever happened. I didn’t get what was so relaxing or nice about it. But this time was different. The spacecake worked. But not like I wanted:  I had a bad trip. Anxiety, shaking, kept being stuck in some kind of repeat mode.Nothing was real. I didn’t know what was real and what was not. I knew I wasn’t allright, but, I couldn’t control. And I couldn’t sleep.

It became worse and worse. Then I decided I needed help. I needed to be with people. So I tried to call my friend, but she was asleep and did not pick up. (She slept for 12 hours I learned the day after). I ended up calling my parents, in the middle of the night. Because there was no one else to call. They came and pick me up. I felt ashamed. I told the truth.

They were not angry. They came and took me to their house. There I slept. And I lay on the couch for the next day feeling weird, foggy in my head and tired. Now, two days later, I’m still tired. But I felt and feel ashamed. If I would be 16 or something, okay. But I’m  33, and having to call your parents in the middle of the night to come pick you up because of something stupid you did…that’s not cool. I never had to call them for anything like that, because I simply never did. This time I lost control. And I hate losing control.

This? never again.If I need to sleep, I just go to the doctor and see if I can get some medication I guess. But this? Never again. Never, never, never again.

The pain in souls you can not see

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You know, I could tell you a story,
But the problem with stories is that there are too many of them.
A word is just a word, a story just a story
and a feeling is never more and never less than a feeling.

So it will always be, or never be.

You can follow every footstep of me,
but you can never follow my road;
You can observe me and follow my senses
but you can never see the way I see,
or feel the way I feel

Nor can I follow your steps,
not even if I see them on the road,
I can observe and see what you see
And yet be blind, at the same spot;

I can walk your path, but not make the same steps,

I can never feel you
You can never feel me
I guess that is the way
how it’s supposed to be.

Sorrow without tears

a tree without its leaf-
a rose without its grief-
needless to say
it’s like the grass without the rain
it’s the night without the day

the glass without water,
the paper without  pencil

it’s as you stare at the clock
but no matter what, it isn’t moving

and still time goes by.

 

 

Living what life?

Imagine. But it’s a truth.

I have a day job.A changing amount of hours every week. Nothing steady, nothing fancy.   Permanent contracts out of the question . It’s not the question if you have to leave or not:  the question is when.

It’s not a special job: everyone could do it I guess, there is no special degree needed for it, though when they make selections, they kind of pretend it that way.

Despite that the colleagues are nice, I guess the job is not making me happy at all. I keep telling myself that it could be worse, and seriously, this is not the worst job I had. In fact it’s the best, as you speak in friendliness and payment. But that, is not everything.

And however I make enough to support myself, it will not, or never,  make me rich. It will not help me to buy a house or something. It will just help me to pay the bills, and lead a moderate life in terms of – yeah, in terms of what exactly?

Work became something I don’t look forward to anymore. It became dull, unrewarding, and the days become longer, though in minutes they didn’t expand at all. I feel like a robot, a part of a system that isn’t really a good one, but, that’s something you should’t care or question about; it just makes things more complicated for yourself.

there are a lot of indications that this isn’t the job that makes me happy.It gets harder in time. I get headaches, I’m tired, and I care less, I lost my motivation. I try to do things right, but it’s never right anyway and hard working doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s not even notices. Maybe I would really like to find a job in my field of interest, but I don’t really know what my field of interest is. Often people say that is bullshit, but I’m really not sure myself.

As well I always feel like I’m not qualified enough or there is too much asked in a profile which I’m not. Also this game of who’s the best candidate, and all this fancy stuff, isn’t my thing. Sometimes I wonder about going back to study, but it’s unsure how I could afford that or support myself. And if I could make it, with my mental struggles. I guess I have motivation issues. It’s not that I don’t want, I’m not sure exactly what it is. It just makes things complicated. I also wonder if the degree or certificate would help anyway- I don’t think so). It would be just lost money. But what am I working towards to? To keep working like this and supporting myself to rent a house and buy food and keep that going for 20 or 30 years?
I passed the point where all the questions and thoughts keep me from sleeping. It became normal part of my life. Where simply a year ago these things would keep me up , they became a part of me – they don’t keep me from sleeping, but just continue during my sleep.

I wish I could explain how I feel. But the truth is: I’m not sure myself.

All I know is that I struggle to find my words, to find my feelings, to find the change.

All I know is that what you are reading, are just words to you, but it’s blood of my soul.

And all the words that I can’t find, are frustrating me that I can’t get them out.

That I can’t find the step to change. That I can’t do things different.

that I don’t know what I feel. That I dont know what i want.

That I just can’t make things better for myself.

What am I living?

My fortune is freedom

No one yelling, no one trying to make the most profits without being honest,
No pushing and screaming, no mean words,
No rushing and the fight to always be the best and on top.
No rat race, no fighting about a place, or a right to exist,
No war just to have your own little space, warmth, food, and such.

I wish it wasn’t this way, but it seems to get just more and more,
So I run away sometimes, to a place where those things don’t want to be.

There is just silence, the stories of nature and the rain.
The sun and the moon and the stars
Animals, plants, easy and rough terrain.

There, I find peace in myself, and peace with the world.
It’s still not easy, but I won’t regret
You see, that is my world that is hidden from the rest,
The one that keeps me sane.

I just wish, that that was the world I would live in

Every single day.

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Not everything is possible

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Outside the window,
I see fog, the traffic, the sky
trees saying goodbye to their leaves
they turned from green to yellow to leafless
but there is no rain

A deep sigh, it’s my own, and I don’t even hear
Staring to the outside world,
I’m a statue on my own couch
Frozen, where silence remains

After all
Sometimes the world is just living its life
no matter if you want to be part of it
it plays its game, dead or alive.

I forgot how it was

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Shifting sands, there I was, on the beach.
Standing alone, straight up in the wind.
The big endless sea, threatening these waves in my direction
But I won’t
step aside.

As the sun used to rise
And as the moon used to be around here
As the dark is becoming day
And the light dissapear

It’s the perfect place to be
I just forgot how
it feels.