(trying to ) find a little peace

I don’t know if anxiety and depression are attacking me right now, but I am afraid to lose my mind or go insane sometimes. I feel all these sensations in my body, I have a headache, feeling a bit dizzy, and usually that puts me in a state of emergency, without even being logical. Also, I haven’t had my period in like 2 months now (No, I can’t be pregnant) and I feel my body is a bit disturbed. I also feel like I’ve gained weight somehow, but I don’t really eat different or worse than before. Maybe I’m wrong, I can’t see it so clearly somehow. It bothers me and I would like to finally change all of this, yet that task seems so hard. And all I ever do is try. I would just like to have control over it, which I don’t seem to have. I guess maybe I would have to admit that I’m a big controlfreak, actually.

But I try to focus on positive things. So I will try to make a positive post again. Spring is coming, the weather becomes more pleasant. I’m going out of the house for walks again (even if they are small, they are still walks). I try to be in touch with people, yesterday I visited my best friend, we cooked a vegan lasagna (she started to eat vegan a while ago due several reasons, but health in the first place). It turned out really good, but right after I went home because  I was soo tired that I left early and went to sleep early with a massive headache.

I scored a few plants for my balcony: strawberries, a lavender tree, and I’m trying to grow carrots and beetroot. I like the quietness of my balcony and the life that is going on there: the birds, the trees, the blossoms starting to come out finally. The left is a tree with a lot of birdlife, it’s like a flat housing all types of birds. It’s nice too watch how life is going there. And the right are a few of my new strawberry plants. And a beautiful sky, though you can’t really see that well on the picture. I like evenings on my balcony – the sky is sometimes just so beautiful.

 

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Trying something new

So far, in all these years of my life and its usual issues like depression, I sticked to the common things as medication, psychologists, psychiatrists and nurses and stuff like that. I don’t think or expect ever to get rid of it, but as time goes by and it keeps coming back,  I’m sometimes tired of everything.

Not long ago I came across a book (What Doesn’t Kill Us: How Freezing Water, Extreme Altitude and Environmental Conditioning will Renew our Lost Evolutionary Strength by Scott Carney). I found it interesting so I bought the book and started reading it.

Because of this, my previous experiences with outdoor & survival trips I did myself (similar principles I would say, it’s not the same but has similarities) and reading stuff about this Dutch guy Wim Hof (also known as the iceman) and his method I thought this would be worth a try. Basically it’s based on three pillars: Cold, Breathing and Commitment. I’m not going to explain this very much here, it’s better to read it on the website because all the info is there and I’m just a beginnner and newbie in all of it.

I’ve been reading about people using this method for physical and mental health improving and it’s just interesting so I thought I could try some of it myself and test it.

So far I did very less of the breathing, but started with cold showers (or end showers cold, I should say).  I don’t know yet if I can really say or notice changes yet, I just try to test it. And after a while I’ll try to give an update about it.

Also, I started to train a little bit with my recently bought indoboard, to train my balance. That is way easier said than done. I struggle with my balance and I don’t seem to have a lot of strenght in my legs if I have to believe the instructionposter. But I’m trying, to improve stuff. I’m just trying….

Overwhelming sadness

Brick by brick. It falls apart. Brick by brick. Falls apart.

Repairing.

bricks

I did not draw for a long time. But what I drew, long ago, seems to be still accurate.

Maybe I never changed. Maybe I didn’t make any progress for a long, long time.

Maybe I never made any progress, and all I seem to do, is picking up the pieces that have been falling apart, pick them up together, rebuild it, and then the same story continues.

It falls apart. I repair it. It falls apart. I pick it up. It falls apart. And so on.

About being lonely.

There seems to be something with loneliness. Somehow being lonely seems te be your own fault. You don’t go out enough. You don’t do enough activities. You don’t try enough. You don’t participate enough. You have to meet people more. You have to go out more. You have to do this, and that. And so on. And on.

But what if that is all something you can not manage?

That ordinary life, just doing the basic things, eating, sleeping, washing, maintaining your house or flat, your job, the groceries, making payments, figure out your insurances and how ‘things’ work , and nothing special outside of that, what if that is all you seem to manage?

What if you do visit people sometimes, but you still feel lonely?
What if you try things sometimes but they don’t give you an energy boost or make you happy?

What if you can’t keep up with things because you feel empty, numb, and nothing seems to matter?

What if  you try to do all the things to avoid depression, but it still doesn’t work enough?

Do you blame yourself? Are you not trying hard enough? To find an environment where you feel better? What if you don’t have the resources to try and to try and to try?

I just don’t ..

 

A positive post: my new house.

I will try to write positive posts too. A nurse I see sometimes about my ‘issues’, said that is important. So I’ll give it a try.

A month ago, I moved into a new flat. In this city is hard to find something affordable and I consider myself really lucky with this new place. It’s  much better place than my previous studio. For almost the same price I have twice as much space (around 55m2), but that’s not the most important: Now I have a seperate bedroom AND a balcony!The location is also a big plus: more quiet and just nicer.

I can even have visitors now, even people who sleep over, because I have a couch that can transform in a bed. Not that I have that often, but it does make me a bit happy that it’s possible.

Behind my house there are trees and bushes what is lovely, and it’s full of life with so many birds. They visit my balcony often since I hung a ‘peanutbutterhouse’ (a birdhouse with a jar of peanutbutter – they love it). Soon I’ll remove that because baby-birds can not have that sticky peanutbutter, but in the winter it’s the birds favourite together with sunflowerseeds.

Behind my flat/balcony, and behind the green is a railway yard.
I like my view. And I love that I have a little outside.

What I also like a lot, is that I can finally have plants!  Creating a little jungle in my living room. I’ve been reading the NASA Clean Air study and nature helps for depression, so I would like to create a little jungle inside of my house. To have a nice environment. Because that is finally possible here. I also would like to grow a few things on my balcony. Some of my current little green machines:

 

Trying to figure things out (again and again)

Lately I still have a lot of trouble to write, but I’m trying. Trying to clear things up for myself and trying to get out of this negative atmosphere, because depression is attacking me again. It’s like fighting a battle with an invisible enemy; it’s always lurking around, but you never know when it’s going to strike. You can’t really prepare, because it gets you in unexpected moments. It has been like that for a while. And maybe, when I’m honest, and if I see things right, my life has actually been like that for the last 15 years. Maybe more.

Right now I’ve been three weeks at home from work, and honestly? I don’t really mind. I don’t miss work. And I am not even sure if I even want to go back. But I find it hard to ‘calm down’ and relax.In 1,5 week I have to see a doctor about this. I have no clue what the outcome will be. He or she seems to be the only one who is allowed to give any decent advice.

The last few weeks I’m going a bit up and down, from neutral to down to okayish to down and back and forth. Sometimes I get grumpy for no good reason, and sometimes I have this weird ‘everything is too much’ in my head that really gives me insane behaviour and I walk around like crazy and have these weird sensations in my body. This is something I find superhard to control. Overall, I’m just tired and I tend to sleep all the time, but I don’t allow myself. I know it’s no good.

But there are a few things I want to change. Like a long time, I want to change. But I don’t really succeed. At least never for long. I don’t know why, but I seem to have a big big lack of motivation, of willpower. I just don’t understand how other people can keep up with things.

I have to figure out what I want. What my qualities are, and what kind of job would suit me or what I would like. Now that doesn’t sound so difficult, but it is. I don’t really know.

A couple of weeks ago I got myself an indoboard to train my balance, which I try to do regularly but it is still hard for me. I hope I can keep this up. My balance is not so great. Also, a couple of days ago I was at my parents house and they have a scale. I know I’m a bit on the heavy side, but I don’t have a scale and I don’t want to feel worse about myself so I never check. But I couldn’t help myself and weighed myself. Oops.  It has never been so high. This is bad. Like yeah, not good at all. I should at least lose 20 kilo’s. But I can’t really seem to lose weight. Like I have a hard time to let things go, my body also seems not really to be able to ‘let go’.

I have quit Jiu Jitsu a while ago. It was too difficult to make it all the time to get there (thanks to work a bit as well) and I’ve been feeling soooo disconnected from the others and making no progress, that it was too much frustration for me. I hadn’t been there in ages so I decided to stop, because I was paying for more than 6 months without having been there. It took a while but I finally managed to quit it officially.

Last week I bought a suspension trainer to hope to start a regular exercise and get my body in shape. So I have an option to train inside at home too. Still have to figure out how to attach it. Anyway, I just hope I will manage something. Because way back, I used to practise a lot of sports and it just feels so much better to be in shape. But to get there, seems like an almost impossible thing. I’m so tired, and so not in shape.

So far my inside thoughts. I will try to write something positive next time.

 

The sick leave.

It has been quiet on my blog for a while now. I’ve been struggling at work for a while and no matter how much I’ve been wanting to write, nothing comes out. I type a few words, but then they don’t make sense, so I keep up starting to write, but I can never finish.

My head is, or maybe was, a mess and sometimes it is so difficult to make any sense of the storm that goes along inside my head. Maybe it’s like standing in the middle of a tornado, in the eye, you can see everything blowing and flying around you, but you can’t grasp or grab anything.

For a while now, things at work didn’t go so nicely. More and more experienced colleagues left (because of their contracts ended – not because of disfunctioning, but since most of ‘us’ are hired by a job agency and there’s this stupid law that creates the fact that after 3,5 years, we can not stay because of that. At that point they have to give a permanent contract which they don’t do, but at the same time the people who have to leave are replaced by newbies who are going to learn and do the exact same stuff.  And after 3,5 years you finally know how it works here, but the newbies (not their fault) create a lot of extra work for the oldies who are in the end of their contracts (because of inexperience , not their fault again, it’s how my employer works).

Next to that,  a certain chain of events and things happened which did not make it possible for me to do my job right. My work is planned for me from minute to minute, and is tracked and followed. Crazy I would say. I can’t always do what is needed, because of that, and that stings. You can ask for time, but I never got it. It’s so frustrating to have to ask for time to be able to finish a part of your job and not getting it for weeks and then getting questions and e-mails like “we would like the results’ – yeah, if that would only be possible! If I would only get some time.

Also a crazy action by someone high in the ministry caused a shitload of work. We were not informed in time, we had no clue how to help people, we didn’t have answers, and there were so much people calling because of that. This caused a big change in my work, because everything was removed from my schedule, and I was put on the phone to answer things (which I could not answer….) fully. And that went on for weeks, and it’s going to become months now. The conversations were really not the nicest and took long, and a lot of energy. I really have no problem with a few conversations that are negative or bad, but not the whole day long week in week out. Especially when you see things that people can’t do anything about, and the consequences are so big. I wish I could explain this better, because there is more,  but I lack the English (it’s just not good enough) to explain this and I also don’t want to risk that my employer might recognize me even if that chance is very low.

I’ve been trying to find solutions, like work shorter days, I’ve had several talks with the manager about this, but I could not escape my drop out. For a few weeks I had some panic attacs, breahting trouble, stress reactions and head-blocks and stuff like that that made it so hard to get through the days.  Once it became too much and I had to cry (in front of a few colleagues, darn!).

I don’t think my work takes me serious. It’s easy to shift this on my depression and the will do to my work right. I’m a bit of a perfectionist and I’ve been told I was too involved and concerned about my job. I just take things seriously and want to do it right, and I can not understand how you can not not be involved in the work you do. Apparantly, they don’t want from me to do my job right, they want me to do it fast and don’t care.

So now I’m home for a few weeks now.In three weeks I can see a special doctor who is allowed and can make decisions about sickness and work and how it continues, but I have to travel far for it and it makes me pissed of that I have to wait so long.

My pay continues, but much lower and much less hours than I usually work and I really don’t understand this. I get so less that it worries me a bit and I don’t know what to do – this kind of stuff freaks me out, I don’t get it and it’s hard to fight for something I dont understand what I should get. Maybe there is an additional pay frmo something else but all of that stuff is so complicated and difficult I’m already freaking out before having done anything. If you earn money they know where to find you when they want you to pay, but the other way, if you are out of things and struggling, there is no one or no government who says, do you need some help? They make it as difficult as possible, and that is just so wrong. I’m not doing this on purpose. And I tried everything I could to fix it first myself, but my employer doesnt seem to care.

 

 

I just moved into a new appartment (which is a big big plus compared to my old studio!) so that is positive. The new place is much more quiet, has a seperate sleeping room and a small balcony.

I’ve had a bad Bronchitis which gives me my second antibiotics round now. And I’ve been feeling superguilty to be at home and not work. The first week all I did was sleep. Now I try to go outside from time to time, but, nothing makes sense.

Next to that, my girlfriend  told me a few weeks ago she wants to move abroad again. now that’s no surprise, but it’s sooner than expected, and this made me doubt. Doubt about our relationship, about the future. If I would have known one month earlier, I wouldn’t have moved. I know that we would go abroad , but not now in a few months. So I might end up staying alone here in a more expensive appartment which I might struggle to pay, and I signed up for a year so I’m basically stuck till march next year. (Housing is crazy too – so hard to find something affordable, so I was glad we found something better).

And now?

I don’t know how to continue.

I don’t know how to fix work.

I don’t know what I want myself.

All I know is that my work makes me sick.

All I know is that I should not stay at this job.

All I know is that I will never be happy in this job

All I know is that my employer will not care

All I know is that I have to change, but I don’t know how.

I don’t know how what I really want.

I don’t know how to find a job that doesn’t eat me alive and where I fit and the job fits me.

I don’t know how how to continue things, to leave without no plan or nothing abroad or to live apart for a while from my girlfriend.

I don’t know how to fight or get benefits or the money I get I usually work without making me more sick and stuff

I don’t know if I should to back to work quicly or wait for the doctor in three weeks

There is a lot, of I don’t know.

And people say, follow your feelings. But what if you don’t understand them?