Another part of struggling.

Today I feel incredibly sad, without even knowing exactly why. I feel so much emptiness, I feel like I have rarely been so hollow inside, I’m a zombie and my heart is a deep black hole full of hurt.

At work, since I’ve started again, I mostly sit alone, seperated from my colleagues. I can’t bring myself to sit with anyone. They are nice, but being close to them seems to difficult to me. So I just hide alone in a corner of the office.

I know I am the only one who can change this.

Today I had to go to my manager for a talk. Like how things are going and stuff. I really did not look forward to it, I don’t feel like talking to anyone. But I could not really not go.

It was not such a nice talk. I said honestly that I don’t know how I am, that I just try to do my work and that’s it – nothing else. I said that I am unhappy, that I don’t feel good here. She said something back like that it’s also in my range to change things – I know, I seperate myself from the rest, I appearantly decide to hide from everyone. I just can’t do things differently.

I think I must have looked superdepressed. Which is actually how I felt at the moment.

She asked questions, about future plans, about if I’m trying to find another job. I said I don’t know. I am looking, but not doing anything. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how my life is in 2 months. I just feel lost. I don’t feel like I can really do anything. I’m not something very specific. It would have been easier maybe when I would be a painter or something specific, but I’m just a something together from some random stuff.

I said I find life difficult. That I don’t see it. How to work hard and not achieve anything, no stability and stuff. That it doesn’t work out, for me.

I came home feeling supersad. I tried to sleep, without succes. Outside the sun shines, but inside of me it just feels like one big battlefield where a war was and left a big darkness.

Yeah, I know it will pass. I know it’s probably just a bad day. It just feels so awful. And I realize I do this myself to, with hiding, with withdrawing, with being in this isolation.

But I just don’t have the energy. I just can not do otherwise right now.

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9 thoughts on “Another part of struggling.

  1. Hey there, are you okay? Just wanted to let you know that people (like myself) are here for you to you know, let things out of your chest. 🙂 just saying haha im quite concerned about these things and people being sad and all. 🙂

  2. You’re being quite hard on yourself. Sure it’s in your grasp to change things, but that doesn’t automatically make things easier, or lighter. It sounds like a really dark today. I wish I could sit with you at work, even if we just sat in silence. You’re not alone.

    • Thanks. Really, thanks. I know I can be too hard on myself. I just don’t know how to do, somehow. Sometimes it really gets me, people telling me that the job market is really good and hearing all this stuff about making your own succes and that everything is in your own hands. It just kills me from the inside sometimes when it doesn’t ‘work’. One day it really goes more easy than the others.

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