The trap.

There is not really much to say about my life, nothing much happens. Maybe that’s the problem. Or maybe not.

This life just doesn’t make sense. I keep going to a job that makes me unhappy, and that provides just the necessary to live, but no future perspective.

What’s the point of going to work every day, coming home, being wrecked that the only things you manage is to cook, clean a bit and hang on the couch?

I look in the mirror. I see someone who is fat. I am not really fat fat, but fat enough to not be thin. Sometimes I see myself, and all I can think is, how could I be this way? Why can’t I manage to keep myself in a better condition? Why am I so fat? Look at yourself, look, there you see someone who does not have a good stamina. I look better when I’m more thin, my clothes fit nicer, etc. Yet why I keep failing to change my life?

I look around my house. It’s small, but has everything you need for a basic life.

I can’t be really positive about the future. I don’t really look forward to anything. I’m scared a bit, yeah, but I don’t let that be the reason not to do anything. Things just don’t make sense. I don’t feel a drive, a motivation, it’s just ‘doesn’t really matter, does it?”

My love is also a bit trapped. We can talk about it. That’s good. But it doesn’t change things.

Sometimes I dream of this life, in the mountains, away from this world, where speed and efficiency and money seem to rule. Where you need to be connected, all the time.

I just can’t – it drives me insane. It’s not me. What are we doing?

I really tried. Tried to be a part of this world – but I seem to fail. I’m useless, I can’t keep up with the pace and the things, I can’t do 100 times at the same time and work and buy a house and exercise and going out and doing all the things like groceries and fun things and enjoy and stuff. It’s too much, I just can’t. At my work, I don’t mean anything either. I’m just a number, and some part you can exchange without missing anything.

It just gets me from time to time.

And it’s just making me sad, like really sad sometimes, like now.

 

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3 thoughts on “The trap.

  1. So I’ve re-written this comment a dozen times. Can’t get it right. I want to say that I think I know how you feel – and that I wish there was a solution. I haven’t found one.

    For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re useless at all. Seriously. And it sounds like you are trying. You do function. And even when life seems completely pointless, you don’t stop questioning what’s wrong with this, what SHOULD this be like.

    Hang on in there.

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