Something I don’t like to talk about

As the title says, I’m going to write about something I don’t like to talk – or write – about.

I don’t know exactly why, but somehow this subject is a bit sensitive for me.

When I was born, I was born as a woman. I’m still a woman. I’m okay with being a woman. Maybe, or very likely, I’m not the stereotype or standard version, but that doesn’t make me something else. Fine so far.

And, just to be clear about how I feel: I don’t feel the need or desire to be a man or something else. I’m fine with the way things are. I don’t feel the need or desire to have a different body. Yes, I have a relationship with another woman, but I don’t see myself as a lesbian or homosexual. I just see mutual love, respect, understanding of the soul. I don’t see relationships as in physical desire, I don’t even particularly like sex, that’s another ‘issue’ but more about that later. I always try to understand how this works for others, because if you believe the media and some common ‘street’ talk, the first thing people do is look and they feel attraction by the physical, often. Not always, but this is what it seems to me , what is the most common way it happens. Correct me if I’m wrong.

Somehow I also notice that most people feel the need to classify man or woman, or how one should look like. I guess you could probably call me more like the androgyne type. I’m none of both and yet both. I have female things in my body and male things in my body – okay everyone has, one more than the other. It doesn’t really matter, and yet it does. This is so full of contrasts.

So. I have more a male body shape, broad shoulders, big and strong, nothing curvy, fluent or however you call those shapes. And (eeks) I have to pull out some hair from my chin and belly, dark black thick hairs. They always come back. My shoe size is too big to buy woman shoes and the shape of my body doesn’t fit in the clothes they make for women. Women’s jeans are halfway my backside so you see half of the underpants, and shirts are always too short that it looks like you wear a shirt bikinistyle. As well, in blouses, shirts, sweaters and so every, my shoulders never fit in. That’s why I often end up buying men’s clothes or unisex or sports gear. I don’t like high heals and I don’t like dresses, so I don’t feel the need to fit in them or buy them. Even if I wanted to – it would not be possible with my body shape.

But those things, can make you a target. Not that I ever really was, but I do notice it in slightly hidden things. Somehow people do not dare to say it to me, but I bet they think so much more. Or maybe talk behind my back – I guess I will never really know. I remember not long ago, when at work there was a meeting about the future at work, and we had to work in groups with people. You had to describe the people in your group based on a little story you told (a story about something that you carry with you). I talked about my pocketknife, that I carry it to cut fruits at work, but that it’s also important gear in outdoor world.I had it for everything but agressive meanings: for me it’s not a weapon at all. It could, but that’s not how I see it. All of the people described me with things as the eager to know or to learn, being prepared.  One guy, who I don’t know so well, described me as ‘boyish’. That’s all that came to his mind. I saw everyone looking at me from the corners of my eye. I didn’t really know what to say or how to react. All I did was look at him and say: if that is what you think about me, then that is what you think. And so the day went on. But I still felt uncomfortable and it made me think. Yes, I wear men’s clothes, I don’t paint my nails and don’t wear make-up and such, but because I’m more neutral, does that make me boyish?

I admit that I am very happy with internetshopping. I don’t like to go in a store and get clothes in the men’s department. It makes me feel ashamed. You get weird faces. Questions.

And still the answer is: No, I don’t want to be a man, I’m a woman. (Just because it has to have a name, but yeah, I prefer to just call myself a human being).

Why do we seperate men and women clothes? Can’t we just wear what fits good and what we like? Why do there have to be different devided sections in stores, or words that label something as ‘men’ or female’?

I never understood why there is this ‘difference’ in sexes. Like why it should matter if someone is a man or a woman, or whatever in between or out. I don’t really see the ‘difference’ between men and women. Everyone is a person to me. I see people in persons. Yeah, of course, I classify too – male/female/something else. But I don’t understand this load of the word, to classify, or to……I’m sorry, I can’t really express myself well here (maybe that’s my lack of English). I just hope you get what I mean to say here.

I don’t even understand why there is a seperate toilet for men and women. I mean come on, in the end what comes out is the same. Then there are these stories about that its dangerous to put them together, because of sexual harrassment and such. But is this really, really happening when you have unisex toilets? Bad people are in every section of the human race. Isn’t this something we try to keep up with media images and stuff like that? Somehow I can’t see or understand this, because I see us all of the same kind. So if you have a different opinion about it, please feel free to share – even if I don’t agree, I’m interested to hear yours about this.Isn’t it just something we tend to keep alive because we are afraid or whatever? I really don’t get it.

And with that other related stuff; sex. A lot of advertisements and things are so focussed on looking beautiful (as in sexy) or sex minded. If you have to believe media and advertisements and series, a lot of guys are out for sex. Are men really that sex-minded? Is it really that all they think about, and that is what drives their lives? Is that why they are ‘dangerous’ and we have to seperate men and women? This part is so difficult to understand for me because I don’t see or feel things this way.

So, back to something that is not the point, I am a human being.
I’m born as a woman, and somehow I always struggle with myself and my appearance. I’m not particularly looking good, female, or sexy, or something else. I’m just me, I guess. I don’t know how to describe myself.

I am probably difficult in relationships – I had very less. And I never cared much about the physical thing, about sex. I could easily live without it. I care more about love in a different way. It’s not that I’m cold, sometimes I like to hug, and cuddle. But I can’t see why sex is so important in a relationship, simply because I don’t feel it. This is a point that I’m afraid makes me maybe weird or what frustrates my partner. I’m in a relationship now , but somehow I feel like I miss something and I can’t give my love what she might need.I know sex is important for her. And that’s something I can rarely ‘give’. I don’t even know if I could call myself asexual. Because I had sex, so I’m not sure if that counts. I just try to understand the world around me in these things, but I can’t really get hold of it.

Maybe it should not matter, but yet, somehow it bothers me. And it bothers me that I can’t exactly express myself the way I want, but I hope you get the meaning of the post. I guess it goes from one thing to another, and it’s not really coherent, but it’s related for me.

With saying that, I appreciate you took the time to read all of this.

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